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Sober........just...... but no where near a recovery

Old 06-25-2017, 07:06 AM
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Sober........just...... but no where near a recovery

67 days. Sounds great doesn't It? And in so many ways it is. Problem is I'm struggling. Not struggling to stay sober (most of the time) just in life in general. I really do not like the person I am so far. Everything about me screams pity party and dry drunk (I hate that phrase) and slippery slope to relapse.
My mood turns on a knife edge and today I've been horrible. Truly horrible. And I've cried and cried coz I'm scared I can't do this. I feel like a petulant child and I've got so much anger inside. Flash backs to the past (not my drinking past but before that) warn me what I was like on the lead up to "discovering" drink as an escape.
I'm self conscious in public. I have so much jealousy of others. I'm lazy. I'm eating a lot of junk. I think about myself ALL the time. It's like all of the negative traits of active alcoholism just without the drinking bit.
Deep down I don't believe I'm a bad person but something inside me is nasty and I don't like it.
It's like all the nice things I do seem to be on condition that I get something out of it. Recognition. A pat on the back. Like a stupid teenager wanting likes on her Instagram account know what I mean?
I've been telling myself for a couple of weeks now that something has to change but can't motivate myself to do it.
I'm not really sure why I'm putting this on here but I need somewhere to keep tabs on myself and see if I am capable of progress. True progress not the kind that gives the sheen of accomplishment which is what I've done for years. Putting on an act. It's got to stop somehow.
Thank you SR for allowing me to communicate this even if it's just to myself xxx
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Old 06-25-2017, 07:21 AM
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Hang in there! I know exactly how you feel. The fog in my brain distresses me big time.

At this point I'm welcoming every opportunity I have to stay at home. I'm doing my best to not go anywhere or do anything. I did start trying to eat a salad every day and I've gotten a handle on the insatiable hunger for sweets I developed for a while there. I start my day with an exercise routine.

I still have brain fog and I'm an emotional mess, I'm starting to realize when my emotions slip now and at least I can tell myself it's just my brain misfiring and take deep breaths.

All I can do is wait for time to pass. I haven't counted days in a while but it's somewhere around 4.5 months for me now. Hang in there, 67 days is a long time I had trouble around that mark a couple times .
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Old 06-25-2017, 07:23 AM
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Welcome- and brave of you to share so much. I hope you find some support and good info and sharing from people who can really relate to things you describe.

Great job on 67 days - are you working a program? I know that for me, just not drinking isn't enough. I want- and have found- a way of living that is recovered. Mine is AA. I started it (finally, after years of fighting the idea) at the beginning of my sobriety; others, including my fiance for example, got sober and added AA to their program some months later. Now, my recovery is a living breathing way of life and I have tools (and a support network) to handle the ups and downs, questions and challenges, everything that make up LIFE.

You can do this- and live a peaceful, joyful life. It takes time- I was very sick when I quit so I went through pretty much everything you describe to some degree and for months. All the while, my life was still getting better because I was building sober muscles and learning a program.

Hope to see you around.
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Old 06-25-2017, 07:29 AM
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Bless ya.

I remember feeling that way myself. I needed to find the willingness to actually take action with my recovery and do some things that I really didn't want to. Eventually the gift of desperation took me to a place where I found that willingness and I got a sponsor and did the 12-step work that I'd been refusing to engage in for the first 6 month of sobriety.

I hope you find what works for you soon. What does your recovery plan look like at the moment?

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
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Old 06-25-2017, 07:59 AM
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Jo,

I found sr at 80 days clean because i was freaking out as well. I am 80 days clean why do i feel like a loon. My drunk buddy told me i needed a few snorts. That meant relapse. No way.

Imo...it is chemical...science.

Your brain still does not create enough dopamine to satisfy you.

Booze alters that.

Sweets, adrenaline, and doing kind acts all help to stabilize this.

So does rx drugs.

All of things can become a new addiction.

Eventually, sitting around will become normal as well.

Fitness is the best for healing. This lends itself to better nutrition, sleep, and self esteem.

Posting and reading here also helps.

AA meetings and working the steps definitely gets the job done too.

Thanks.
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Old 06-25-2017, 07:59 AM
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From my own experience with sobriety in the past:

I treated sobriety like it was a forced situation. My mindset was that I couldnt drink and there was no other option. What has changed this time around is that I do not want to drink and my mood towards the abstinence is much more serene and welcoming. I do think that being sober needs to have a mental approach that involves positive thoughts and actions as opposed to negative thoughts and anger.

It is not an easy road but what we tell ourselves can make or break this situation. Perhaps look at your thoughts toward your own abstinence and try to see where they are feeding you negatively.
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Old 06-25-2017, 08:37 AM
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Hi joandmelandhan,

I've just completed 2 years of psychotherapy. I had a lot of hurt and anger to work through and I would not have been able to do it without professional support. It was a hard and painful journey at times, but one I am so so pleased I travelled. Might be something worth looking into?

Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x
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Old 06-25-2017, 08:45 AM
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Thank you everyone you've given me plenty to think about. My plan really at the minute consists of tools to keep myself safe from alcohol and SR (a lot) and recovery reading. I need to step it up but I'm not really sure what direction to go.....much of life has improved and I have 2 jobs and 2 girls to keep me very busy. But this feeling I have right now is incredibly uncomfortable. I don't believe it is because I'm having to fight to stay sober. I have a big acceptance of what drink means for me and it is off the table. However living life without it that's another matter.....and yes I believe that my brain has a hell of a lot of healing to do too. The longer I am sober the more aware I am of the damage that's been done and realistically this is a much longer road than I conned myself to believe it'd be. Patience is something I'm poor at but I've no choice. In terms of AA I'm still open to it. I've been before but I found being female was an issue in terms of finding a sponsor. Really just because there are hardly any where I am. Am I procrastinating? I really don't know. But work is required I know that.
This is my kind of declaration to myself so I can't hide anymore.....
Thanks again ❤❤❤
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Old 06-25-2017, 10:07 AM
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Maybe have a look back through Dee's thread about making a plan as well, and see if there are some suggestions on there that might be useful as well.

I know that for me, even once the alcohol was removed, the stinking thinking was still there (just as it was before I started drinking to be honest ) making me restless, irritable, and discontent, prone to emotional tsunamis in the early hours of the morning, tearful whenever left alone with my thoughts (commutes were the worst, I was arriving at work red eyed with a lap literally wet with tears every morning at the height of things), and going to bed praying that I would not wake up the next day. I was a mess and my head in turmoil. But I did at least remember (like you are) that drinking would not be a solution to this. I was so horrible though. I do feel for you.

Prayers and hugs for you today.
BB
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Old 06-25-2017, 10:19 AM
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((((sweet jo))))

Recovery, for me, was a bit of an overhaul, to say the least.

I had lost my soul and was an empty shell.

Recovery work, especially lots of introspection, has helped to rebuild self-worth and to recover my soul.

I had absolutely no support system in place when I sought sobriety; my sole focus was on caregiving for an extremely ill and then dying parent; about six months later I had a Grace of God moment where I began to appreciate, and be thankful for, every single sober moment. That appreciation and gratitude saw me through the next almost two years until I found SR.

You are very busy with two jobs and two children. I have never attended AA but I am wondering if reading the Big Book would help. I have gained so much wonderful perspective from reading erfra's daily posts on the 24 Hour thread; perspective was something I could have definitely benefitted from in those early days.

Might be worth a try.
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Old 06-25-2017, 10:53 AM
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Your honesty about how you feel I think will bode well for you in the long run. Recovery happens differently for all of us, no two are the same in my opinion. Sorry your having a rough go, but proud that you are staying sober and being honest. Wish you the best.
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Old 06-25-2017, 04:04 PM
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Jo, I drank for years. I did heal, I did embrace the real me, I did learn to deal with that maelstrom of emotions and have them settle down...

but it took time

I stated to feel I was really getting somewhere after 3 months - I hope you will too

This is not the best its going to get
You're on the right tack and doing well

D
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Old 06-25-2017, 05:31 PM
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Yes, Jo, I wasn't too far along in the first two or three months either. But, I do remember feeling and believing that I was going to make it. I know it's hard to be patient, but you will find your way. Maybe some of the books in our Book List would interest you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependence.html
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Old 06-25-2017, 06:17 PM
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Hang in there, Jo.

You're doing great!
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Old 06-26-2017, 12:47 AM
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Hi Jo,

Don't know what it is about people like us. Maybe it's our life experiences, maybe it's just the way we're wired but we seem to love beating ourselves up and engaging in "all or nothing" thinking. I do it all the time.

I just wanted to let you know that whatever you may be thinking about yourself, I think you're ace. You take the time to reply to my posts on the 24 hour thread and I always find your posts beautifully honest, thought provoking and kind.

You taking the time to pm me the other day meant loads to me. We all sometimes feel lazy and jealous of others and sometimes we want attention. We're human and more than that, we're fighting a battle every day inside our own heads. Of course we sometimes feel overwhelmed. Of course sometimes we snap at the people we love and act nasty. But we can feel sorry and we can say sorry and we can act sorry by staying sober and trying each day to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be.

Please stop beating yourself up Jo. These feelings won't last. Stay strong and never forget how fabulous you are xxx
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Old 06-26-2017, 09:20 AM
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Been doing a lot of thinking since I last posted. I've been thinking of ideas for a plan, well a version of a plan that I feel comfortable with.....I'm not kidding myself that I am capable of much change right now so I'm going to make this achievable whilst at the same time a challenge for little old me....

ALCOHOL AVOIDANCE MEASURES
Getting to bed sober each night is the non-negotiable part of this plan. Nothing else is more important.
Should my mind wander to any alcohol fantasies I will get straight on to SR and tell on myself - straight away that very second.
Any activities outside my normal routine will be properly planned - holiday, outing, night out, child-free periods etc etc. If necessary run the plan by someone in SR for advice.
Spur of the moment activities to be avoided - I am not spontaneous and feel it is risky for my sobriety (currently)
Log in to SR at least once a day - bare minimum check in to 24 hour thread and read through the day's posts without fail
DIET
Eat at least 2 pieces of fruit per day.
Make my own lunch for work (varied and healthy-ish - anything is better than nipping out to the shop whilst very hungry.
Limit myself to 3 coffees per day - from afternoon herbal tea, squash, water, fruit juice, sparkling water.
No sugary fizzy pop (unless it is a treat when out)
Evening snacks - limit to either cereal, ryvita with cottage cheese or fruit - allow 2 treat nights weekly (otherwise I don't think I'll stick to this)
EXERCISE / WELLBEING
Shower, wash hair, clean teeth, straighten hair, put a little make up on every day (pathetic I know but I can be lazy)
Yoga class every Friday lunchtime without fail
Child free nights (2 x per week) - time for recovery reading, exercise (walking or a p.a.y.g. gym class) - try to achieve 1 per week and allow the other for tv / slobbing
Smoking - I smoke a pack a day and am not ready to address this yet but it is on here as a reminder - my aim is to give up in 2017
Sleep - this is very important so if I really feel like I need a nap I am going to have one - remember to make sure I am not avoiding something and am genuinely tired
GENERAL
Do 1 thing per day which feels like a "mini win" - make that awkward phone call, change the beds, hang washing out before work, fill that form in, do homework with girls - it may be a small thing but they add up.
Try to do 1 thing per day which is kind and caring - even if it just saying hello to an old lady at the shops
Have a recovery book on the go - first book will be "Sober Living"
Call my mum every other night - don't tell little white lies to pretend I am okay if I am not
Journal each day in terms of achievement v this plan - give myself a break if I don't achieve everything but think about why that is. Add a mini gratitude list every day - I find this helps positivity and acceptance
Encourage the girls to do one chore each night - even a tiny one is progress

Erm......that will have to do for now. I will print it out and get a nice notepad for journaling purposes.
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Old 06-26-2017, 10:03 AM
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since ya ask here:
". In terms of AA I'm still open to it. I've been before but I found being female was an issue in terms of finding a sponsor. Really just because there are hardly any where I am. Am I procrastinating? "

welp, ya say "....Really just because there are hardly any where I am. Am I procrastinating? "
there arent that hardly any....
beings how there are SOME females...welp, i cant say its procrastinating, but theres something going on. could be fear.
there are females there.awesome!
and more than 1 is wanting to help and waiting for you to ask.

everything you typed about how you feel was how i was in early recovery.
the program helped me find causes and conditions- the why of it all- and had great solutions,too.

meetings are great, but going to meetings and not drinking arent what helped me recover from the hopeless state of mind and body.
the program did that.
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Old 06-26-2017, 10:35 AM
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Jo!!! How did you get into my head and write about me like that??? Incredible. I know exactly how you feel, although I am not as brave as you are to put it out there for everyone to see (maybe I'll get there one day..). You and I are only 10 days apart in our sobriety journey so it makes sense that we are experiencing the same things. I'll be watching for your posts.
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Old 06-26-2017, 12:38 PM
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joandmelandhan - your post at #16 is full of helpful ideas I can apply to myself - thank you!
Me - I occasionally go somewhere just for the pleasure of it, to people-watch or to contemplate something interesting, restful or beautiful; or I buy myself something - a bunch of flowers, a little piece of costume jewellery, a pretty candle.
We deserve good and pleasant things.
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:17 PM
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Hi Caramel lovely to hear from you hun! Yes nice things help too it's easy to forget that ❤❤❤
Thank you to everyone who has posted I am truly grateful. I have so much belief trust and respect for you all. We continue to do this together!
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