I'm sorry for your loss SAH I know anniversaries like that can be hard.
I still have hope for you. You're alive and you're posting here - you keep coming back and you're looking for answers.
Drinking never heals the pain - it just numbs it.
The wounds stay red raw.
Real healing can only starts when we stop anaesthetising ourselves.
You just need to find whatever it is for you thats going to help you make a different choice next time you get the urge to drink.
Sometimes even the tiniest choice - whether it's an AA meeting or a crisis line or posting here before you drink - can make a difference.
Great waves start as little ripples
D