Originally Posted by
thomas11 
I tend to agree with what FreeOwl said, it all starts with quitting the boozing. I know it sounds tired and cliche, but its true. The saying is "there is nothing alcohol won't make worse"....and I believe it to be true. You need a clear and free mind to start to unravel the current situation. The trust issue is huge, and its not going to come back while your actively drinking. And even when you quit it may take a long time. Be prepared for that. Wish you the best.
I've made peace (as much as possible) with the fact that the trust may never be regained even. However, is that a way to live? Plus, the trust is one thing. He has always been super controlling, even way before the infidelity. Now that has been amped up and he has become irrational and paranoid to the point that I can't even so much as talk (say at a party) to a man for more than a minute. It only leads to endless interrogation and accusation of me flirting. I'm seriously exhausted and saddened by it. I would never cheat on him again but I know he has no concrete way of knowing that. To be honest, at the time it happened, I was in a very bad and warped state of mind that I now have truly overcome and definitely not going back to. It is not an intrinsic flaw within me. But, again, there's no convincing him of that so i'm (we're) back to being stuck. Me hiding every little thing to avoid suspicion which would just lead him to start monitoring me like i'm a child.
OK. Enough with this infidelity issue. I'm not trying to convince you guys that i'm good and a changed person. It's just so frustrating living the way I live and I know I could've made better choices to avoid my current situation. I'm sorry for the tirade.