projek7r

Hi, I know many of you have heard this story before, but this is mine as well. For a long time I didnt think I had a problem, but as they say "you never know you have a problem until you hit rock bottom". Rock bottom for me was this past weekend.

I took the time to read others posts about binge drinking and if it is considered alcoholism and for the longest time (even while my wife for years tried to explaining this to me) I never correlated the two together because I justified it by saying I was not dependent on it. I dont like to drink by myself (in fact I hate it) and could go on long periods without it. (Here I am justifying it again - realizing this is a common theme with binge drinkers). I could go months and never have a problem, go on camping trips have a few here and there, enjoy time with family and friends, bday parties, house parties you name it. I can grab a couple of beers and and call it a day....but there will be those days, those one or two days in a year where I will be out with my friends (especially on a boys trip) where I throw caution to the wind and as someone put it here on a similar post (start drinking and point my direction towards oblivion). When I get on those benders, I cant stop and the drinks dont come fast enough. I start buying people drinks and egg people to drink more...this is where most people stop but this is where my cognitive ability to reason shuts down. It becomes about having more, not about having fun. Then I black out. Apparently I have anger issues about this time because this is where I try to start fights with others. I am the guy who is being carried by his friends after getting kicked out of the bar because I cant contain myself because im obliterated. I yell, I say stupid **** and most of the time im lucky to make it home.

Last night I didnt make it home. I got arrested and got thrown in jail in a city 100 miles away from home. I remember pregaming at our cabin, then ubering to our favorite bar when in town. I remember the drinks kept coming in doubles, then the shots...this was when there was light out...the next thing I remember it was dark, and my friend yelling at me while I had some officers knee on my back while being on the floor handcuffed, then...I remember waking up in cell. This is some scary ****. Not the jail part, not even getting arrested...but to not remember what the hell you did for those 6 hours and waiting after being held for 16 hours while you tried to put together the pieces, to hear from your friends of how belligerent you acted and how they could no longer control you....is downright embarrassing (I cant even begin to say how crappy I feel). In those 6 hours, anything could have happened. I could have hurt myself or worst, hurt others...this is not who I am. This is the person I hate to observe when others act like this in public...but I am THAT guy!!! WTF.

This person, also has a wife and two kids he adores. Nothing is more important to him than his family and he can no longer be that person. I need to be a better example. This person btw is 40yrs old and the frat house drinking days have to end. One day out of the year of this is one day too many. This person is me.

As I sat in jail, it forced me to remember how many times this has happened in the past and I just kept hearing my wife's voice in my head about the seriousness of my binge drinking. I need it to stop and so today im admitting I have a problem. I wish I could say like every time in the past that I can learn to control it...maybe have some tools to remind me to think about how im feeling and if enough is enough but after reading others posts, this is something everyone wishes they had as well but this is why it is called alcoholism, its a problem and even though the 90% of the time I can control it is nice, I think I only have one choice and it is to stop.

Im searching for meetings to attend and possibly counseling. I want to know more about my problem and if there is anything I can do to change but Im guessing there will be none and so be it. Im going to do this for my family and myself and I thank you for having resources that I can read to help me understand that I do have a problem and how others are coping with it. I really appreciate being able to tell my story and get it off my chest.

Thanks for listening.