Originally Posted by
AnvilheadII 
Practice these principles in all our affairs.....
final words of the 12th step. one of the principles that this post made me think about was in the Amends step, Step Nine - where we are guided to:
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
focusing on the underlined part, i think we need to be very circumspect when it comes to hauling others into the addict's mess. everyone says well call the parents........mind you the addict is 40 and the parents are in their 60s. but they are still "expected" to leap into action and somehow FIX things. or we just want them "to know what's going on" as if we are passing the torch.
but is that really FAIR? has consideration been given to whether or not this might "injure" them in some way, cause THEM harm? not just parents - siblings, cousins, uncles, grampas and best friends. have we really thought about the bomb we are handing them? the one that explodes like a dye pack in a bag of stolen money, getting all over everything, and often INDELIBLE?? have we thought that maybe they don't wanna get on the bus? or that simply no good comes from "sharing" updates about the addict?
For me I feel like its not my problem what someone else does with anything I might share with them. In some cases I have learned what the response will be and then I take that into consideration as to what I might share. For example, it was suggested it might be an unfair burden to tell my mom details of the physical abuse I experienced when my husband was in the midst of his crazy phase. There were thoughts she would carry this burden, never be able to look at me or my husband the same. But I know the relationship I have with my mom, and I know my authentic self and I needed to tell her. I also felt like she could handle it emotionally. But I couldnt control her feelings or her actions regarding that news. She was supportive and I think she has dealt with it ok on her end. But likewise I would have used my knowledge to sway me against sharing something like that if my mom had a violent temper, emotional issues, and I felt there was a high risk it would make everything worse. Getting to this point can require a learning curve.
I guess I do have a sense of family however. Some of these things I think come down to the relationships we have with other people in our lives. I never expected my inlaws to fix the problem, or do anything specific. I did think my parents might be able to have a positive influence and I was right about that... But in regards to my inlaws, I felt in my heart they needed to know what was going on with their adult son and I told them when it all started. Im not responsible for their coping skills, or how they find emotional balance in their life, or the choices they make or dont. I wont be making amends for any pain they experienced because I shared facts with them. Thats out of my hula hoop.