batchel9

I can't be the only one here that has this issue- so let's all have a good chuckle at their cluelessness.

I called AHs parents the other day after he drank and missed 2 days of work just to let them know that he was drinking and struggling. Literally nothing else.

I got this text from his Dad in response:
"Tried calling from the truck on the way home, but no luck. I don't know what to tell you anyway. Talking to me is pointless. The talking has to be between you and AH. My only insight might be that if I was feeling overwhelmed at work, pressed for time, and not getting enough sleep, the least helpful thing I could expect from my wife would be for her to move out and leave me with even more to do with the little time available. I would be disappointed and angry. Worse still, unless you decide whether you are leaving or staying he is stuck in limbo not knowing where his future is. It seems the ball is in your court. You can work with him to get through this, or you can bail out and let him get on with the rest of his life. "

I can't take these people. I have way more where this came from also.

Maudcat

Wow. A dad in law quack.
Guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Forget him.
He's useless.
I wouldn't reach out anymore though.
Who needs that?

Refiner

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree it appears (rolls eyes).

Bekindalways

Sigh . . . probably best to leave Dad-in-law to figure things out on his own.

I can't remember if you ever did the Alanon route?

LexieCat

They want YOU to deal with him because THEY don't want to. And, of course, they don't HAVE to, but I'd be willing to bet they will bail him out, at least for a while (blaming you for everything along the way, incidentally).

It's really not your job to report on his "condition." I wouldn't do it again if I were you.

Sasha1972

What passive-aggressive guilt-trippy nonsense. "You can work with him to get him through this or you can bail out ...". The ball was indeed in your court and you have thrown the ball far away. Now it's up to AH to decide whether he's going to get his act together or just keep drinking. Not your circus, and not his dad's circus either.

AnvilheadII

why did you feel the need to tell a grown man's PARENTS what he is up to?

they are entitled to have their own viewpoint on their son.
just as YOU are entitled to YOUR viewpoint on YOUR husband.

this is where hula hoops come into play. you stay in yours. whatever is outside of it, isn't yours.

batchel9

I have clearly learned my lesson on talking to his parents. It's probably still my unhealthy attachment to wanting to watch over him and make sure that he is ok. In this case, it's not me doing it so much as it is hoping someone else does.

I also have two sons. And if they were doing what he was doing....right wrong or other.... I hope that someone would tell me.

batchel9

I have not gone to Alanon but have warmed up to the idea of it. However now that I am essentially a single parent making the meeting times in my area is tough. I will continue to keep it on my radar as an option.

Maudcat

Seriously, Al-Anon can be a game changer. I learned so much in those rooms.

Steely

Tell father-in-law you're bailing.

dandylion

https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...33377041683bf8

This is a song that I have dedicated to your father in law!

Not to worry...his father will find out the truth, on his own. It always bubbles to the surface....
You tried....

FireSprite

Stop. This is a Codie Quack if I've ever seen one. I know you don't want to hear that but bear with me....


You didn't just cross to his side of the street, you invited others to the party. And then acted like you were doing it FOR him. Classic Codie Martyr Move. "I don't want to be this/do this, I'm doing it for you."

If he was a minor, telling his mom & dad makes responsible sense. In reality you're simply hoping they can control him in ways you can't. By your own admission, you called them for literally no other reason. What would be a reasonable expectation for the outcome of this? I don't consider his dad's response to be so much quacking as it is a frustrated response to something that doesn't involve him & that he had no understanding of..... what exactly was he supposed to do about all of this?

It was never about him, it was about YOU discharging your own discomfort & lack of control. This is how We Codies Quack; I could've competed at an Olympic level in this sport at one time personally.

aliciagr

I dont think its an unhealthy attachment to be concerned about someone that you care about when they are not well. Would you have contacted his parents if he was sick and getting worse from a different kind of illness? Or if he decided nope he didnt want to go through chemo and would just let nature take its course? Addiction doesnt change all the rules of normal behavior in my opinion.

I do regret getting my inlaws involved ONLY because they were controlling and over emotional. His mom especially felt she knew what was best for him and exactly what he needed to do to recover. She made things worse for both of us with her behaviors. That is the only reason I stopped going to them for support. I would still tell them if my husband was hospitalized or had a major event because I think as they are his parents-- its just the right thing for me to do.

But on the other hand, I also reached out to my parents FINALLY after I let go of my own shame and embarrassment. They were supportive of both me and my husband. My parents have a better relationship and more influence on my husband than his do just because of the way they interact with him.

We cant control how other people respond or behave once we share info with them. They are dealing with their own emotions, and have their own perception of things, personal beliefs, and level of coping skills. This is what I try to remind myself about my inlaws, and it takes some of the sting out of unpleasant interactions.

FireSprite

I don't think these examples are like-kind. Being sick & getting sicker due to something completely beyond your control is NOT the same thing as choosing to actively drink as an alcoholic.

And I would pray & hope that my loved ones would give me the dignity of living out my life in line with my OWN final requests, even if that included abandoning things like chemotherapy treatments without sharing that information with my loved ones if that was my choice. That is just about the height of disrespect IMO, no one has the right to use that type of information to manipulate me. And I say that as a person that HAS faced this type of situation in my life in many different types of relationships. Clients, family members, friends.



Agreed. But we need to be clear about our intentions when sharing said information. We have a responsibility to choose our words with integrity & not manipulation. JMHO.

hearthealth

Hi Batchel,
I think he is right about this. Limbo is hard for you and him. Not knowing sometimes is worse then knowing it is over. What is your plan?

hopeful4

Clearly they are not going to be helpful at all, and are going to do nothing but blame you, which to be honest is pretty common. Lesson should be learned, harsh as that sounds.

Hugs.

totallytrying

How in the world someone choosing to continue to drink in any way comparable to someone with cancer refusing chemotherapy? It's an insulting comparison to anyone who has had a family member die of cancer. And when the "rules of normal behavior" have only gotten you pain and suffering, maybe it's time to change them.

aliciagr

I dont believe addiction is as simple as a matter of choice. I worked with an addiction doctor and it was explained to me that that it is a progressive condition and one of its worse symptoms is DENIAL because it prevents people from realizing just how serious their condition is. It prevents them from seeking proper treatment, or from sticking with treatment plans. And also plans need to be adjusted because they just dont always work and sometimes the patient cant even accept this concept. Addiction happens in the brain, and areas of reasoning are affected. Yes, the person must make the choice and do the work, but we are all influenced by those around us.

This idea that addiction is a simple choice does indeed give family another option. Just let them do what they want because they are fine and just choosing this path. Respect it. It appears to be the cornerstone of WHY family is told to behave in a certain way. I really dont know if there is anything to support the idea that addiction is a simple choice however. Ive not seen it at least. And Im not sure it should be taken for granted that everyone believes this concept.

There is also a difference between manipulation and influence in my opinion. If my spouse had cancer and was terminal, made the choice to discontinue treatment, and asked me not to share this with certain people then I would try to honor this. I still might need to reach out to others and share for my own support however.. I would try to pick other people whom I could trust. But my mental health is important also. I dont think this situation is anything like a person being in denial within the stages of addiction.

Influence though is a huge factor even when people are free and clear to make their own choices I think. In fact isnt that why people post here: to share, advise, teach, and ultimately to influence others? But we still each have a choice in what we do, and what actions we take. I for one came here for insight from others, so I could have more info to make better choices on my own.

Obviously there are limits what family, friends can do to help encourage medical help, behavioral changes. But I was also told FAMILY can be a major influence and support system and this does not mean only in terms of negative reinforcements and detachment. I dont assume everyone wants to be a support, but I also dont assume people dont because we all have to live by our own beliefs and moral code. The other important factor is what each family member or friend is comfortable with in their own lives. How they handle stress, what their other commitments are in terms of children and safety issues.

So this means its ok for me to reach out to my inlaws if I need their support, OR if I think they might be able to support my husband. Its his choice and their choice how all that plays out. I dont have to try to control the outcome or make myself nuts analyzing it.

Manipulation I think is more of an issue when a person believes addiction is a choice. Then it become my problem because I dont like the choice my husband made. My inlaws wont like his choice either, so if I tell them they might try to interfere with his decision. That would mean Me Bad and not allowing him the dignity he deserves to keep on progressing down that path. It could also mean Im codependent as I want to take him off this path he has selected.

So thank you for bringing up Choice. It is a huge factor is deciding how we as family think, act, behave, and what are the true motives behind actions. What each of us feel about this simple concept can completely change the path we take, and alter our behaviors.

And I dont think either path is wrong but the differences in approach often seem to lead to confusion when we all share as family members.

AnvilheadII

if CHOICE was not involved in the addict's thinking at some point, then NO addict would EVER recover. her husband had been sober until recently, and IN a sober frame of mind CHOSE to drink again. of all the options, that's the one he picked.

i have not and probably never will be comfortable with the notion that the family has SUCH power and influence over the addict. i firmly RESIST the notion that the "family" must DO something, must keep trying - that they are somehow responsible. the flipside message in that line of (ahem) thinking is that if the addict continues to struggle, continues to use, it's THEIR fault for not trying hard enough.