Kbosse

I dont know if i am aloud to post if i have not started my detox but i am preparing as much as i can. I found this websit as i was doing some research on what i need to detox cold turkey at home. Can you really prepare? I was clean for 8 months and relapsed about 3 months ago. I cant believe i have put myself back in this position. I hate this life. Was it worth all this the guilt the embarrassment, letting my kids down. I finally told my son who is 20 that i relapsed and that i wanted to detox. He lives in sparta Ky in the middle of know where and wants me to come out there so i can detox and he can help me. The only time i have detox was when i went to jail. I think detoxing in jail is so much easier because its really mind over matter you know you cant get in jail so its no big deal. Its truly going to be a struggle to detox out here. Im still activly using and when i say using i spend about 1000 to 1500 on herion, cocaine, crack daily. And its all gor me. I dont know how im still alive and i look inthe mirror and dont even know who the petson is staring at me. All i know is i hate her and she has destroyed my life. Yes its me but i dont recognize myself anymore matter of fact that isnt me. I get pissed every morning wheni wake up. I look in the mirror and asked my self why your miserable, your lonely, kelly your stronger then this. Stop i dont want to die! Im the only one who can fix this. Im so afraid and scared. Just the thought of not getting well scares the **** out of me. But i try so hard to convience myself i can do this. I want my sobriety back that is all i had going for me. I could kick myself in the ass for getting myself right back where i fought so hard to get away from. Any ways i have to do this for myself. Its sad I spend so much money and i start to freak out and literally start crying if i dont have at least 2 grams of all three drugs and planty of money in my pocket. Its funny because before i got clean the first time i justified that since i can affors my drugs that im not an addict. If i didnt have to lie, cheat and steal even if i could face the world and fuction to take care of my kids i wasnt an addict. I camt believe i even thought that way. I may of physically been able to raise my kids bit emotional i didnt as long as i gave them all the meterial things they needed they were taken care of. Its sad it took me getting sober to see how my kids were suffering but how did i get back to this hell! I cant believe im back in hell. Any ways the last 2 weeks i have been researching online to detox cold turkey at home. I found a lot of useful information. Who would of known the amouny of people in the same problem i am having. There are tons of people who know what im going through. I ordered the 3 pack relief pack from the opiate freedom center. That seem the best route to go. And i also order Phenibut. I got a **** load of vitamin and im still looking for more. I brought everything each website suggested. Im up now writing a day by day plan so im prepared. Even the diet they suggested im gonna do. I have elimadrol from the last time i attempted ( didnt make it an hour) lol!!! Im trying not to have a bad detox at all but i can prepare as much as i want but its still going to ba a fight. Im waiting on the Phenibut to come then im heading to my sons to detox. I dont want to lose i wanna beat this and i know i can. Im hoping tomorrow it comes and i can start wednesday. I need all the support i can get. I will let you all know when i begin. If anyone has any suggestion i can take as much as i can get. Thanks for listening and being here for me.