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Getting ready for the fight of my life

Old 06-20-2017, 01:09 AM
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Getting ready for the fight of my life

I dont know if i am aloud to post if i have not started my detox but i am preparing as much as i can. I found this websit as i was doing some research on what i need to detox cold turkey at home. Can you really prepare? I was clean for 8 months and relapsed about 3 months ago. I cant believe i have put myself back in this position. I hate this life. Was it worth all this the guilt the embarrassment, letting my kids down. I finally told my son who is 20 that i relapsed and that i wanted to detox. He lives in sparta Ky in the middle of know where and wants me to come out there so i can detox and he can help me. The only time i have detox was when i went to jail. I think detoxing in jail is so much easier because its really mind over matter you know you cant get in jail so its no big deal. Its truly going to be a struggle to detox out here. Im still activly using and when i say using i spend about 1000 to 1500 on herion, cocaine, crack daily. And its all gor me. I dont know how im still alive and i look inthe mirror and dont even know who the petson is staring at me. All i know is i hate her and she has destroyed my life. Yes its me but i dont recognize myself anymore matter of fact that isnt me. I get pissed every morning wheni wake up. I look in the mirror and asked my self why your miserable, your lonely, kelly your stronger then this. Stop i dont want to die! Im the only one who can fix this. Im so afraid and scared. Just the thought of not getting well scares the **** out of me. But i try so hard to convience myself i can do this. I want my sobriety back that is all i had going for me. I could kick myself in the ass for getting myself right back where i fought so hard to get away from. Any ways i have to do this for myself. Its sad I spend so much money and i start to freak out and literally start crying if i dont have at least 2 grams of all three drugs and planty of money in my pocket. Its funny because before i got clean the first time i justified that since i can affors my drugs that im not an addict. If i didnt have to lie, cheat and steal even if i could face the world and fuction to take care of my kids i wasnt an addict. I camt believe i even thought that way. I may of physically been able to raise my kids bit emotional i didnt as long as i gave them all the meterial things they needed they were taken care of. Its sad it took me getting sober to see how my kids were suffering but how did i get back to this hell! I cant believe im back in hell. Any ways the last 2 weeks i have been researching online to detox cold turkey at home. I found a lot of useful information. Who would of known the amouny of people in the same problem i am having. There are tons of people who know what im going through. I ordered the 3 pack relief pack from the opiate freedom center. That seem the best route to go. And i also order Phenibut. I got a **** load of vitamin and im still looking for more. I brought everything each website suggested. Im up now writing a day by day plan so im prepared. Even the diet they suggested im gonna do. I have elimadrol from the last time i attempted ( didnt make it an hour) lol!!! Im trying not to have a bad detox at all but i can prepare as much as i want but its still going to ba a fight. Im waiting on the Phenibut to come then im heading to my sons to detox. I dont want to lose i wanna beat this and i know i can. Im hoping tomorrow it comes and i can start wednesday. I need all the support i can get. I will let you all know when i begin. If anyone has any suggestion i can take as much as i can get. Thanks for listening and being here for me.
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Old 06-20-2017, 01:37 AM
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You are very welcome here Kbosse - we welcome anyone at any point on the recovery journey

I don't know anything about the kind of detox you're doing but sounds like you have a very loving son and good surroundings in which to get well.

You'll find a lot of support here too

D
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Old 06-20-2017, 06:05 AM
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Welcome!
Check back in when you can to let us know how the detox goes.

You can do this!
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Old 06-20-2017, 07:17 AM
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Curious as to why you don't want to check into a hospital and/or detox center? Certainly seems like you can afford it. Those are some serious drugs you are taking daily. Good luck.
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Old 06-20-2017, 01:25 PM
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Wishing you well Kbosse on your recovery journey x
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Old 06-20-2017, 06:25 PM
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Originally Posted by KissMyTiara View Post
Curious as to why you don't want to check into a hospital and/or detox center? Certainly seems like you can afford it. Those are some serious drugs you are taking daily. Good luck.
To answer your question to why im not checking into a facility well its kinda complicated. I dont have money at all I have a wonderful boyfriend who has the money. I know its not good to keep secerets but in order to pay for a treatment center i would have to tell him I relapsed and I would rather not tell him. Ae have been together for 9 years and the whole time i havr been on drug now im not stupif he has to know im on something ( i have track marks every where) i dont know if he chooses not to know it. I dont know if he is in denial or what but to him i wouldnt do that kinda thing. Everyone tells him but he says there is know way i would do this to him because i know how he feels about drugs, it eould jeopardize his business so in his eyes im perfect. He tells people he has never seen me high. Well the answer is hes never seen me sober. Hes walked on me shooting up but i am diabetics so i do take insulin but we all know you dont put insulin in your vains.Hes found drug tools around the house. He sees my track marks but he still dont believe im a addict. Ive tried to tell him but then half way through i back out and change my story. The guilt of the lies the amount of money ive spent is killing me. This relationship started out as a sugar daddy kinda thing to me but for him it was a real relationship. I was even dating someone else and together we decided i would pretend to like this man for his money. This isnt the kinda of person i am but the drugs took a hold of me. We spent 90 thousand dollars of his money in 3 months. I even had my real boyfriend which we just broke up about 6 montbs ago living in the house with Brian and i. Brian never k ewhe was living there our house is big enough that he wouldnt run into each other. Well over the time i started to have feeling for Brian it was more then the money so i had 2 guys i was in love with a very big drug problem and the guilt of what i was doing was killing me. So to make a long story short i got cought with 20 percets went to river city corrections for 5 months and got clean. Brian stuck with me and took care while i was in treatment. I told him i was addicted to pills because i have had many knee surgery and perscribed pills. So he believed that. Any ways the other guy abonded me while i was in traetment apparently he was only there for the drugs for the last 8 years. Since i was clean he needed someone who would keep him well. When i got out i went home to Brian and we had a awesome relationship and i was sober but then i relapsed and ive spent 70p already today just by myself but i feel with all the money i spent on drugs there is no way i can ask him to pay for detox. I believe i need to do this cold turkey to really remember what i weny through and to never put myself back here and i cant bear to break Brians heart and tell him i relapsed on " pills" really heroin, cocaine and crack. So this is why im not going to a facility. I have decided thursday will be the day i start!
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Old 06-20-2017, 06:34 PM
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Kbosse - Good to have you with us. I'm glad you've made the decision to get free.
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Old 06-20-2017, 06:44 PM
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Welcome bosse, and I'm glad you have decided to stop using the drugs and I hope that you will find the support you need. I wish you well with your detox and I hope that you will come up with a plan for recovery. Please let us know how you are doing.
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