I was thinking a bit more about my post earlier and I think what I'm struggling with is finding a balanced approach to the relationship. Cause I tend to either get too emotionally dependent or too distant. It's always been that way for me. And i think neither is good for me or my partner. But from what I heard this is common for alcoholics? I think there was something about this in step 12. That we weren't able to build good and stable relationships and were either making ourselves dependent on other or trying to control them.
And thanks to everyone still being there for me even when I'm not as active here. I feel bad about not giving back as much. I love all of you so much and it's weird to say that because I know neither of you in person but you all mean a lot to me and I do think of you every day.
Ananda, you always seem so reflected, I find it amazing how much insight you have when it comes to your emotions and reactions. I hope I'll get there too one day. Thanks for the advice on putting the 4th step away for a bit and continuing later. I get very eager to make quick progress and to do it "right" and I think I still lose focus on self care too easily. I'll try to connect more to my inner Buddha or my HP or how one wants to call it.
Poppy, good to see you and well done on 7 months!!
Steely, I'm glad to hear you had a good time with your sister! And it's so nice to hear that we have also contributed to that. I find it so touching how we all help each other, it's quite the opposite to what I'm used to. You girls (and guys too, Dee, Phoenix, Solly, tnek) are amazing!
And thanks for saying such lovely things about me! Maybe my doubts about my relationships are just another attempt to burn some bridges as a "misguided form of punishment" again? I think Ananda also suggested something similar and I think you could both be right. I think actually because of the fights with my BF and him wanting to end it, I feel like I have to destroy it in an attempt to protect myself... how do I get out of this thinking again?
Alao, how is it going with the housing?
Thanks for your advice Dee! I think I tend to obsess a bit too much with the past. Maybe it has to do with wanting to control things and trust issues. But I often think that by analysing the past I will get a glimpse of the future. So if someone acted horribly in the past I tend to assume that they will do the same
in the future. Which makes it hard to live in the moment or to forgive. Probably something worth having a closer look at.
Kenton, thanks for your reply to my post 2 nights ago. It really helped me to hear that you recognised yourself in it. And you come across as an incredibly sweet, caring, funny and intelligent woman. Also my BF said pretty much the same thing like you did. That it's important who i am today and that i don't have to be that person anymore cause I recognised my behaviour and that that also means, that I no longer behave in the same way cause otherwise I would've not recognised it.
I liked your story about winning a wine fridge
maybe it makes me an untypical alcoholic but I had loads of wine sitting around for years. I was quite specific about what I liked and drank and I only ever touched the other ones in emergency situations but would've rather had some vodka. So basically my whole pantry was a bar and there were some bottles of stuff I just didn't like the taste of that gathered thick dust layers.
Big congrats on doing so well at your family gathering! That makes me so happy to hear, you're doing so well and getting so strong! Also that your brother stood up for you. It's amazing how people actually do that for us and trust us now that we're sober and reliable.
I love the idea of alcoholics going to schools and explaining addiction to teenagers. Not sure if I'm too optimistic there but I think maybe it could help some. Not that I would've cared back then but maybe someone's more open and less self-destructive than teenage Kev was.
My brother's wedding's coming up and I'm already stressing about it. I got away without seeming rude or explaining why with not drinking at family dinners but I am stressing about saying "no" to just a glass of champagne after the ceremony.
Not in the way that i will feel too tempted to drink. But I can't use my normal excuses and i have not told any family member why I don't drink. I just always said 'not today' and I doubt they understand how serious it is to me. So I worry that they won't understand why I can't even have a sip and that they will think I'm rude.
Then another thought was that I think I could just have a sip and then leave the glass somewhere. I don't think this would tempt me to drink more. I was always a pretty controlled drinker at family gatherings anyway and didn't have the "once I started I couldn't stop" ever. For me it was always the problem that i wanted to drink all the time. A glass in the morning, a glass with lunch, 2 with dinner and so on. I don't know if I'm fooling myself again. But I think I could do that, just have a sip and then put it away and as long as I wouldn't feel it it would be okay I guess. But then I think this would maybe open a door that I should better keep shut. Also I think I wouldn't wanna tell this to anyone at AA because they'd consider it a relapse. Same with my BF. I know it shouldn't be much about what others think. Ugh, i just am so confused these days. I don't like thoughts like this. Sometimes I think it makes it harder to remember why I can't even have one glass at a wedding when situations like that never led to problems or me getting drunk in the past. I just have to remember that the loss of control wasn't about the amount consumed in one go but about the frequency. And if drinking became an option again I'd spend 24/7 trying to find reasons why a glass would be okay right now or why it wouldn't count.
Also in other (very good) news, my dad is recovering quickly from the surgery and today he even went for a little walk on the hospital grounds. He might be able to go home in a couple of days!
I feel like my post is all over the place and so is my brain. Thank you all for being there and for always helping me, you are all particularly wonderful souls. Love to all of you! Xxx