This struggle is relentless and I have struggled this week, in particular yesterday evening when I had a very hard time. I emerged from the hairdressers and I had decided that I was going to go to a bar for a couple of glasses of wine but I somehow managed not to. I bought four books (yes four!) and I went for a burger and fries instead. I then lugged my purchases home, bypassing all of the shops along the way and I spent the night reading and eating chocolate. I suppose four books is better than four bottles of wine.
Anyway I walked to work this morning after buying a takeaway coffee and I passed by a man who looked quite unkempt. It was only when he came closer that I realised he was swigging from a large plastic bottle of cider. This was at about 9:15 AM. I smiled at him as he passed by and all I could think of was there but for the grace of God go I. That really could be me. I go home at times craving a glass of wine but I have never woken up wishing I had drank the night before. I know that I would never stop at one glass either.
Like I said this is relentless and there are so many of us out there and we are all in this together.
I do wish I had more friends. I feel quite lonely at time. I wouldn't particularly say I am isolating myself or that I am depressed. It is just that I do not have many friends and the ones I do have seem to be busy. One is away on a trip, the other is working and what have you.
At least I have my job I suppose. Some days I like it and other days are so incredibly frustrating. I called my father this morning on my break and my mother answered. She actually asked 'why do you sound so happy?" I just told her because the sun is shining, I am on my break and looking forward to a nice coffee. I note a tone of suspicion in her voice whenever I sound even a little bit upbeat. (Or maybe it is my conscience.) My dad told me later that she was pleased I sounded so jolly.
Anyway I have gone to the wilderness for the weekend and I wish you all a good night.