Great topic. I'm enjoying the responses. My father was alcoholic and for the first 12 years of my life, my home life was dark, unpredictable, scary. But like Kboys, no one expressed their feelings. Even when my father was physically abusive to my mother, it was as if my siblings and I were lobotomized. My brother's anthem growing up was "I am a Rock" by Simon & Garfunkel.
Even when my mother married alcoholic husband #3, and by that time I was independent, and had a great job. I visited them one weekend, and I went to bed early, but they had gone out. When they came home, I heard fighting, and my mother emerged bloody. I took her to the hospital--he had given her a broken nose. I never called the police. I never confronted him. I just kind of floated past him when I got home, and she never left him. When I think back on that incident, I'm am so amazed at my completely passive behavior (I didn't even want HIM to be mad at me!!)--yet I shouldn't be surprised, because unfortunately I haven't changed much. I still roll with the punches (not literal--AH is NOT physically abuse). It's not even like I tolerate bad behavior--I can't even discern bad from good.
In tandem with this emotional shut-down was this obsession with my Catholic faith. My grandmother was very devout--saw visions, went to church daily. When I was in first grade, she gave me The Lives of the Saints and I decided that I wanted to be a saint.
Toxic combination: being emotionally immune from bad behavior, yet wanting to be above reproach myself.
My mother had broken away from my father when I was 12. I applauded her courage, and still do and my life took a 180 for the better, yet deep inside I was forever looking for the lost connection with my father, who died homeless in the Bowery when I was 18. I found it in my AH, and I've spent a lifetime trying to rewrite the script into the ending I wanted when I was 12.
I'm a far cry from a saint, but I'll admit, that doesn't keep me from subconsciously enjoying that status among my kids. Another big shortcoming I'm trying to deal with. But they are waking up to the truth about the codependency and the dysfunction. I'm happy they are. I can't hide from the truth, when I know I've been exposed.