What caused your codependency?

Old 06-09-2017, 09:20 AM
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What caused your codependency?

Did you come from an alcoholic or dysfunctional household? Or did you have a pretty normal and even healthy upbringing but still ended up a bleeding heart codependent? While I don't know that it matters, certainly not in my case, to analyze and wonder where it came from since the solution is what truly matters in the end, I still am curious how people become this way.

When I was a very young girl, I was relentlessly bullied by men. Well, boys at the time. I grew up in a very healthy and happy home with no addiction and wonderful parents. Yet when it came to life outside of the home, I was a frightened kid. I was an ugly duckling and because I am of mixed race I was targeted by those more powerful than I who thought I looked strange. I remember sitting in the library at lunch and getting drawings of ugly creatures dropped off at my table by my bullies with my name on them. I remember boys pretending to like me and then laughing with their friends when I would turn around. I know everyone goes through a lot growing up, but being a sensitive child I really took this hard.

I ended up eventually growing into my looks, and became what some would call attractive. I acted out sexually as soon as I got the first look from a man and became very promiscuous throughout my adulthood. Almost to the point of addiction. While it no longer is a part of my life, I still can't help but wonder if the men I am involved with today, the abusive and dysfunctional relationships, are my way of trying to overcome the abuse from the schoolyard. Am I trying to prove to the now grown man- bullies, now am I lovable? Anyway, just a thought!

What's your story?
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Old 06-09-2017, 09:53 AM
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It's funny because I had such a wonderful upbringing and I'm so damaged lol. My parents loved me, told me I could do anything that I dreamed of, provided for me, taught me everything they know. But in high school I developed an overwhelming need to be needed, a need to help. I started rescuing animals. I'd pull death row dogs from the pound and hide them in my dorm room in college until I could find them a suitable home. And then I found AH, who seemingly didn't need saving. We rescued animals together and were madly and fiercely in love. Then I found a homeless foreign exchange student that needed helping, a relationship that needed helping, more dogs that needed helping and I didn't even notice my husband was drinking so heavily until he snapped. And then he needed helping. And I needed to help.

Working on it though! First counseling session is in the books and I'm trying to put myself first
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:04 AM
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I was raised by an alcoholic mother and a codependent father. I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough to be loved because my mother was so focused on her addiction and my father was so focused on her, there was nothing left for the rest of us. I grew up thinking there was some magical secret to what I could do, be, or say to win the affection and love of people who were emotionally unavailable to me.
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:15 AM
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SYH - Love the screen name! Oh my and I thought I was a help-a-holic! Such a big heart you have, but as the name says, we have to save some for ourselves ...I too am an animal rescuer. Just rescued a squirrel last week Hey at least my therapist says I'm now helping those that truly need it not those that can help themselves.

Good luck in therapy and awesome for making that first move!
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:19 AM
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I was raised in a home where my dad was an alcoholic and my mother a codependent. I had a happy childhood. I was never abused or neglected. I didn't see the unhealthy dynamic of what it was until my own marriage to an alcoholic was in shambles and I had developed a raging anxiety disorder due to my codependence.

My Dad was raised in a home where his parents were both alcoholics. His mother was raised by alcoholics and his father was raised in a very abusive home.

My mum was raised by my meek grandfather and her mother who had mental illness and most likely abused prescription meds. My grandmother actually made my mum promise her she would never leave home, that she would stay and look after them until they died. (They were in their 40's when my mother was born in 1946) When she eloped with my Dad at 20yrs old the guilt that got heaped on her was beyond measure.

I learned how to be a wife and a mother from my mum. She has some truly wonderful and selfless qualities... but she is the epitome of codependent. My Dad passed away a year and a half ago ( from drinking related health issues) and now all her enabling energy is spent on my brother. She can not be made to see reason. She believes she is helping. She can't get a grasp on the fact that when you "help" an addict all you are doing is helping them stay sick. She will die a martyr. Never having been truly happy, because she believed her WHOLE life that it is her job to look after all these broken people. It pains her terribly that I wont let her "mother" me. ( I just spent two week in her home and was pretty much ready to commit matricide!)

I broke the multigerational cycle of sick marriages/parenting. I left my qualifier. I hope both my daughter and my son can learn from my mistakes as a codependent and their father's mistakes as an alcoholic. Gosh we made a lot of mistakes and set some really bad examples. But at least both my ex and myself realize that. We've shone a light on the monster. We don't hide from it anymore. ( Even though we are no contact we are on the same page about not hiding the truth of the damage done and why)He isn't sober but he admits to his alcoholism. I've been honest and apologized for some of the bad decisions I made when I was a very emotionally unhealthy woman.

Alcoholism sucks. Codependence sucks. It's so sad and destructive.And equally as sick.
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
I was raised by an alcoholic mother and a codependent father. I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough to be loved because my mother was so focused on her addiction and my father was so focused on her, there was nothing left for the rest of us. I grew up thinking there was some magical secret to what I could do, be, or say to win the affection and love of people who were emotionally unavailable to me.
Ditto, but in reverse.... my dad was an alcoholic & drug addict. His FOO has issues with addiction (gambling, alcohol) and extreme codependency/enmeshment.

My mother also suffered sexual abuse & incest & her codependency is so much a part of her that she can't really "see" it at all.

I started learning my Codie ways literally from birth. It's how I thought everyone was raised.
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:23 AM
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Thank you SYH comes from a song I used to listen to in college it went something like "save your heart for someone that's worth dying for" and "for someone who leaves you breathless". I use it to remind myself that I only get to do this once. I don't get a second chance at life, and I've been trying to tell myself that love like that exists.

But YAY for another animal rescuer <3 I saved a chipmunk last summer and he wasn't very appreciative of me lol! But it is always fulfilling to help animals, I just have to quit dabbling in trying to help people who don't want to be helped!
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Old 06-09-2017, 11:01 AM
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I had a generally good upbringing . After learning some things about codependency, I can see the roots in my family...then as I got older, I took that ball and ran like hell with it.

The book Conquering Codependency and Shame talks a lot about codies coming from 'normal' childhoods - it helped me a lot!
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Old 06-09-2017, 11:46 AM
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I've thought about this a lot for myself too...
My upbringing was more or less "normal". My father drank every night, and could probably be called an A, but his drinking never caused any problems that I was aware of. He never yelled, was not abusive, did not go to bars, cheat, or get arrested. He just drank beer, and got a little silly and dramatic sometimes, but just in an annoying sort of way, not threatening or scary, like my XAH.
All my relatives on Dad's side of the family over drank at family occasions, but that's just what they did and it was normal to me, and I as an older teenager and through my 20's drank heavily as well, which made it easy for me to accept XAH's heavy drinking in the beginning..... Until it progressed into much more ....


My mom rarely drank / drinks. People refer to my mom as an "angel", the "sweetest person" they've ever met. I've never heard her yell or get visibly angry. She mutters things under her breath sometimes.
Her mother was an alcoholic, and I imagine her father was codependent, but my mother has never talked to me about any of this, or what it was like growing up for her with her mother an alcoholic... i only know from what my aunts have told me.

A big thing for me, I think, is that no one in my household growing up ever really talked about feelings or emotions, or anything really of substance.
Once when I was about 14 I told my dad about a girl in my school who had gotten pregnant. His response was, "well I know you won't do that... Your mother talks to you about that."
Ummmm..... no Dad, you are mistaken. My mother never even told me about getting my period or shaving my armpits, and she definitely never talked to me about sex.

I have a hard time as an adult showing or talking about my emotions, and how I feel because sometimes I still feel like I don't even know how I feel, or what my opinion is.....

My boys are 4 and 5 now, and I am trying very hard to change that for them. I try to talk to them in age-appropriate ways about feelings and emotions, and drinking, and everything. I want them to feel safe to talk to me about anything.
I do not want them to grow up believing as I did that everybody drinks a lot, and acts stupid, and they drink and drive, and it's all cool and normal.
I do not want them to carry on the dysfunction!

I rambled a bit here... but thanks for posting (((Smarie))). Interesting topic, I think.
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Old 06-09-2017, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 View Post

I acted out sexually as soon as I got the first look from a man and became very promiscuous throughout my adulthood. Almost to the point of addiction. While it no longer is a part of my life, I still can't help but wonder if the men I am involved with today, the abusive and dysfunctional relationships, are my way of trying to overcome the abuse from the schoolyard. Am I trying to prove to the now grown man- bullies, now am I lovable?
I also wanted to say that I relate to that^^^ I too was quite promiscuous through my 20's and also went through periods when I was younger of being bullied and picked on... I never connected the two, but it's something to think about........
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Old 06-09-2017, 12:55 PM
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My childhood really wasn't bad but looking back it was very emotionally unstable, unpredictable, and unsafe. My dad is an addict although he sought treatment so I didn't see a lot of it. In my opinion his underlying mental illness (possible personality disorder ) was much more harmful to me. There was a lot of emotional incest and constant drama that made me kind of curl up into a ball emotionally. In addition to this my parents should never have had children. They really couldn't take care of themselves in my opinion. To this day I've never known my parents to be responsible in all areas of their life. From a very young age I felt I had to be responsible for everything. I kind of felt that my parents really couldn't take care of me. I always had what I needed except emotionally. In my opinion my nuclear and extended family is pretty unstable without looking unstable. A pivotal moment for me was telling my therapist that last Christmas I sat in a room with my family and I felt so small and alone. I felt surrounded by people that didn't actually see me they just saw someone responsible for their feelings and that they use as an emotional dumping ground. I've done a lot of work on this and I think it runs pretty deep with me.
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Old 06-09-2017, 01:13 PM
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I'm a recovering alcoholic (25 years) so it was normal for me to shift addictions to another person. I had the perspective to see what was really going on, although that didn't make it any easier to leave a self-destructive relationship.
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Old 06-09-2017, 02:05 PM
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Great topic. I'm enjoying the responses. My father was alcoholic and for the first 12 years of my life, my home life was dark, unpredictable, scary. But like Kboys, no one expressed their feelings. Even when my father was physically abusive to my mother, it was as if my siblings and I were lobotomized. My brother's anthem growing up was "I am a Rock" by Simon & Garfunkel.

Even when my mother married alcoholic husband #3, and by that time I was independent, and had a great job. I visited them one weekend, and I went to bed early, but they had gone out. When they came home, I heard fighting, and my mother emerged bloody. I took her to the hospital--he had given her a broken nose. I never called the police. I never confronted him. I just kind of floated past him when I got home, and she never left him. When I think back on that incident, I'm am so amazed at my completely passive behavior (I didn't even want HIM to be mad at me!!)--yet I shouldn't be surprised, because unfortunately I haven't changed much. I still roll with the punches (not literal--AH is NOT physically abuse). It's not even like I tolerate bad behavior--I can't even discern bad from good.

In tandem with this emotional shut-down was this obsession with my Catholic faith. My grandmother was very devout--saw visions, went to church daily. When I was in first grade, she gave me The Lives of the Saints and I decided that I wanted to be a saint.

Toxic combination: being emotionally immune from bad behavior, yet wanting to be above reproach myself.

My mother had broken away from my father when I was 12. I applauded her courage, and still do and my life took a 180 for the better, yet deep inside I was forever looking for the lost connection with my father, who died homeless in the Bowery when I was 18. I found it in my AH, and I've spent a lifetime trying to rewrite the script into the ending I wanted when I was 12.

I'm a far cry from a saint, but I'll admit, that doesn't keep me from subconsciously enjoying that status among my kids. Another big shortcoming I'm trying to deal with. But they are waking up to the truth about the codependency and the dysfunction. I'm happy they are. I can't hide from the truth, when I know I've been exposed.
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Old 06-09-2017, 02:45 PM
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I grew up with a very narcissistic mom (she was not an A but very mean and very judgmental) and a dad who was quiet, shy, and rarely spoke up (he drank some but was definitely not an A - I think his shyness was due to his placement in an orphanage as a child). My mom would talk bad about me to others at church and other places and I found out about it as a young child - for example I remember being 9 and the minister's daughter telling me she overheard my mom tell her dad to "watch out for me and that I had issues". This is just one of many incidents. I remember always being insecure as a child and feeling I was a "bad" person which my Mom would constantly remind me of...but she would only do those things behind my back and in private in public she would be a "perfect " mom. I don't know but that' s what I suspect led me to seek out "love" at all costs. To this day I struggle trusting people (I always think people are talking behind my back or betraying me) so I tend to be very closed with people (even "friends") and release very little information (my theory was always if Mom doesn't know things about me she can't twist them into lies to make me look bad to others). So I suspect this led me to be codependent in that I try way to hard to find someone to care about me and not betray me like she did. Just my theory.

I'm having a baby girl in December and I'm working very hard to make sure I am everything to this baby girl my mom wasn't to me! I want her to feel loved unconditionally and know that I am someone she can trust with anything.
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Old 06-09-2017, 02:51 PM
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My upbringing was somewhat normal - my parents were never too warm or encouraging.

I was always top of my class, best in piano - and taken a caretaker role after a while (helping those who struggle). Never really looked for relationships - but the needy broken moody men found me pretty fast - I have this overly responsible thing going on.

Meh....
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Old 06-09-2017, 03:11 PM
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I never considered myself co-dependent--there were things that attracted me to my lovable "bad boys" but when it started really getting to me, I was on the verge of leaving the first one when he finally got sober, and I did leave the second one when he went back to drinking. That doesn't mean I didn't display some behaviors labeled as "co-dependent" at various times while I was with them, but it wasn't my normal self.

Smarie, it seems to me that maybe you're just holding onto this guy because he wants/"needs" you, and he's not likely to leave you because, after all, who else would have him?
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Old 06-09-2017, 03:40 PM
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firebolt----I am curious---what does you r book, "Conquering Co-dependency and Shame", say about "happy and n ormal" childhoods and the link to co-dependency.....?
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Old 06-09-2017, 04:57 PM
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My dad is an alcoholic, but my mom left him when I was young. She never sought any kind of help for herself, thinking she had "gotten rid of her problem." So I think most of my codependent behavior was learned from her, though I certainly saw it in my dad's family. But that was the mean kind of codependency, where people hold grudges even after the other person is dead, and do or say anything and everything to degrade them in life.

My mom was always incredibly helpful, solving other people's problems (many of which are things she simply identifies as a "problem" whether the other person sees it that way or not, sigh). She feels really good when she thinks she has helped someone in need (even if she is the only one to see that need and the person is actually annoyed or uncomfortable with her interfering).

I was much the same way, especially intimate relationships. I was also promiscuous as a teen and young adult, giving away sex and trying to get love. Plus I had no real idea how to set boundaries about my body and telling people (especially men) no actually scared me.

Here's to hopefully breaking the cycle for my kids. No matter where I went or who I was with, only I could "get rid of my problem." Still working on that, ODAT.
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Old 06-09-2017, 09:11 PM
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Thanks for the insightful and ever engaging exploration into this craziness. Lexie - maybe, I don't really know yet if it's the need to be needed. I am finding however, that I possess many of the characteristics of women who stay with abusive men or keep going back to them. It's mind boggling even to me. Much point to love addiction. I was very curious how other women seemed to struggle with it when another woman would flip him off and leave without a care. Trying to see if there is some common codie denominator.
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Old 06-10-2017, 05:01 AM
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Codependence is all about external validation. It's taking our cues from others about how we should be feeling or are allowed to feel or "made" to feel.

For me, this was learned in a home that had no alcohol problems, but plenty of emotional hiding. I was adopted and my story was told to me, but my real experience was not in the least okay for me to have. I always longed to know who I really was, but my true identity was never for me to have. So that was crazy making and I learned from minute one that my life and my feelings were not my own. My adoptive mother struggled with anger and fear. I'm sure that her four kids brought out many feelings of her own painful childhood, which she never reconciled. In our house, it was all about good behavior and when you crossed the line, the paddle came out. I learned early and often that my real feelings were dangerous, so it was safer to feel what I was told to feel. Of course, humans don't work that way. Took me 55 years to realize that the dance I'd always fallen into with romantic partners was codependence. It was an elusive realization for so long because I always thought that codependence was something children learned only in alcoholic families.
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