I was raised in a home where my dad was an alcoholic and my mother a codependent. I had a happy childhood. I was never abused or neglected. I didn't see the unhealthy dynamic of what it was until my own marriage to an alcoholic was in shambles and I had developed a raging anxiety disorder due to my codependence.
My Dad was raised in a home where his parents were both alcoholics. His mother was raised by alcoholics and his father was raised in a very abusive home.
My mum was raised by my meek grandfather and her mother who had mental illness and most likely abused prescription meds. My grandmother actually made my mum promise her she would never leave home, that she would stay and look after them until they died. (They were in their 40's when my mother was born in 1946) When she eloped with my Dad at 20yrs old the guilt that got heaped on her was beyond measure.
I learned how to be a wife and a mother from my mum. She has some truly wonderful and selfless qualities... but she is the epitome of codependent. My Dad passed away a year and a half ago ( from drinking related health issues) and now all her enabling energy is spent on my brother. She can not be made to see reason. She believes she is helping. She can't get a grasp on the fact that when you "help" an addict all you are doing is helping them stay sick. She will die a martyr. Never having been truly happy, because she believed her WHOLE life that it is her job to look after all these broken people. It pains her terribly that I wont let her "mother" me. ( I just spent two week in her home and was pretty much ready to commit matricide!)
I broke the multigerational cycle of sick marriages/parenting. I left my qualifier. I hope both my daughter and my son can learn from my mistakes as a codependent and their father's mistakes as an alcoholic. Gosh we made a lot of mistakes and set some really bad examples. But at least both my ex and myself realize that. We've shone a light on the monster. We don't hide from it anymore. ( Even though we are no contact we are on the same page about not hiding the truth of the damage done and why)He isn't sober but he admits to his alcoholism. I've been honest and apologized for some of the bad decisions I made when I was a very emotionally unhealthy woman.
Alcoholism sucks. Codependence sucks. It's so sad and destructive.And equally as sick.