Yes, the 'if I could only _______,' thought process is answered by staying my sober, eating that thing that is good for you, going to a yoga class, doing the right thing, etc.
My friend was calling from 1500 miles away and yesterday and I told her, listen, I know everyone has abandoned you. Your parents are scumbags for that. I've been your friend for 7 years. I know you have no one and you need someone. I know you are really sick. I believe you. However, I am not the person for this job. I'm sick. I have huge bouts of depression. I'm in recovery, and this isn't fair to me. It's not hurting me a little, it's hurting me a lot. My family already has a project, ME. For a year I kept thinking if I could just get you to a better spot I could start to do the things I need to do. Everytime I thought we were close, it never happened. I can't do this anymore.' She got a call and told me to hold on and I hung up. Put the phone on 'do not disturb.'
imagine the last person that will talk to you hanging up the phone, when you are genuinely sick in multiple ways, and your family just doesn't care, no one will help?? It's got to be the worst feeling in the world. The last person you could count on is leaving and you did nothing to deserve any of this....
Before that call I got in with my therapist at 5pm as he had a cancelation. I see him again Monday.
Didn't drink at least.
V