tealily

Thinking now of all the things I used to do, before drinking became my main activity.

I used to ...

Go on hikes, draw, try new recipes, refinish furniture, paint and decorate rooms, plant flowers in the spring and tend to them all summer, play music, search for fabric and sew curtains and pillows, go to bed early WITH my husband and read aloud to him, get up early.

Such mundane things, but they were real, sometimes creative and actually productive. In the past 7 years or so, as drinking gradually became my main "hobby", all those unextraordinary extras -- and of course much deeper, more meaningful things -- had to slide.

When every day is taken up with so many hours of shopping for and thinking about drinking, drinking, then hiding and cleaning up after drinking, recovering from and regretting drinking, over and over again, there are only so many hours in the day left. Little by little, less got done. I did the bare minimum for work and home, getting work done, food bought and made and keeping the house from completely falling apart, all at the last minute, but all the extras had to go. I turned down opportunities to serve or volunteer on mornings, because I knew I couldn't get up that early. I spent time on vacations searching out where to buy wine, instead of savoring time with others in a beautiful place. I missed time that could've been spent with my kids and husband and parent, running out to the store secretly to buy wine. I let my looks go, my talents shrivel, my house and yard decline. Years wasted, hours lost, that won't come back.

I don't want to live that way anymore.