I used to ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
I used to ...
Thinking now of all the things I used to do, before drinking became my main activity.
I used to ...
Go on hikes, draw, try new recipes, refinish furniture, paint and decorate rooms, plant flowers in the spring and tend to them all summer, play music, search for fabric and sew curtains and pillows, go to bed early WITH my husband and read aloud to him, get up early.
Such mundane things, but they were real, sometimes creative and actually productive. In the past 7 years or so, as drinking gradually became my main "hobby", all those unextraordinary extras -- and of course much deeper, more meaningful things -- had to slide.
When every day is taken up with so many hours of shopping for and thinking about drinking, drinking, then hiding and cleaning up after drinking, recovering from and regretting drinking, over and over again, there are only so many hours in the day left. Little by little, less got done. I did the bare minimum for work and home, getting work done, food bought and made and keeping the house from completely falling apart, all at the last minute, but all the extras had to go. I turned down opportunities to serve or volunteer on mornings, because I knew I couldn't get up that early. I spent time on vacations searching out where to buy wine, instead of savoring time with others in a beautiful place. I missed time that could've been spent with my kids and husband and parent, running out to the store secretly to buy wine. I let my looks go, my talents shrivel, my house and yard decline. Years wasted, hours lost, that won't come back.
I don't want to live that way anymore.
I used to ...
Go on hikes, draw, try new recipes, refinish furniture, paint and decorate rooms, plant flowers in the spring and tend to them all summer, play music, search for fabric and sew curtains and pillows, go to bed early WITH my husband and read aloud to him, get up early.
Such mundane things, but they were real, sometimes creative and actually productive. In the past 7 years or so, as drinking gradually became my main "hobby", all those unextraordinary extras -- and of course much deeper, more meaningful things -- had to slide.
When every day is taken up with so many hours of shopping for and thinking about drinking, drinking, then hiding and cleaning up after drinking, recovering from and regretting drinking, over and over again, there are only so many hours in the day left. Little by little, less got done. I did the bare minimum for work and home, getting work done, food bought and made and keeping the house from completely falling apart, all at the last minute, but all the extras had to go. I turned down opportunities to serve or volunteer on mornings, because I knew I couldn't get up that early. I spent time on vacations searching out where to buy wine, instead of savoring time with others in a beautiful place. I missed time that could've been spent with my kids and husband and parent, running out to the store secretly to buy wine. I let my looks go, my talents shrivel, my house and yard decline. Years wasted, hours lost, that won't come back.
I don't want to live that way anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
Tealily- the great news is you don't have to live like that more! You are in control of your life. Once you start feeling better you can start doing all of the things you used to do. Make them part of your plan to help you stay sober. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
You no longer have to live that way.
Now, you can tend to the untended and get it back in order. You can create wonderful recipes. You can read to your husband next to your newly sown curtains while laying on your newly sown pillow cover. You can do anything.
I was thinking about all of this recently. What is it that I would like to do now? As soon as our home is in livable order (We just purchased our first home) I am going to take up the Potters Wheel. I want to throw bowls and what not. I want to have art shows. I want to do this and I will make it happen!
(maybe I am getting ahead of myself with the Art shows. My husband said "why dont you take a class first and then see where that gets you." A girl can dream cant she? Id rather go big or go home.
Now, you can tend to the untended and get it back in order. You can create wonderful recipes. You can read to your husband next to your newly sown curtains while laying on your newly sown pillow cover. You can do anything.
I was thinking about all of this recently. What is it that I would like to do now? As soon as our home is in livable order (We just purchased our first home) I am going to take up the Potters Wheel. I want to throw bowls and what not. I want to have art shows. I want to do this and I will make it happen!
(maybe I am getting ahead of myself with the Art shows. My husband said "why dont you take a class first and then see where that gets you." A girl can dream cant she? Id rather go big or go home.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by Mizzuno 
I am going to take up the Potters Wheel. I want to throw bowls and what not. I want to have art shows. I want to do this and I will make it happen!
(maybe I am getting ahead of myself with the Art shows. My husband said "why dont you take a class first and then see where that gets you." A girl can dream cant she? Id rather go big or go home.
(maybe I am getting ahead of myself with the Art shows. My husband said "why dont you take a class first and then see where that gets you." A girl can dream cant she? Id rather go big or go home.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 35
I can SO relate to this, Tealily! I'm suddenly acutely aware of all the time I've wasted and opportunities I've squandered. So much so that it's hard not to let the depression of those thoughts bring me down.
But things feel different this time. I no longer feel any sadness or remorse for not being able to drink again (the first time that's happened) and absolutely ALL of the romanticism about drinking is gone. So after many stops, only to start drinking again, it feels like it's finally sunk in to my thick skull.
But the good news is that in the two weeks that I've been sober (today is day 15 woot!) doors have suddenly opened and things seem to magically be taking off for me career-wise. And I'm quickly moving towards accomplishing some major goals that I've literally waited for and worked for for over 25 years for. Is this a co-incidence? I think not.
I just hope that I can stay sober for good this time. Because I know now, without ANY doubt, that if I pick up again I will lose it all again. And that's not the life I want anymore. Congratulations, Tealily! Let's do this together!
But things feel different this time. I no longer feel any sadness or remorse for not being able to drink again (the first time that's happened) and absolutely ALL of the romanticism about drinking is gone. So after many stops, only to start drinking again, it feels like it's finally sunk in to my thick skull.
But the good news is that in the two weeks that I've been sober (today is day 15 woot!) doors have suddenly opened and things seem to magically be taking off for me career-wise. And I'm quickly moving towards accomplishing some major goals that I've literally waited for and worked for for over 25 years for. Is this a co-incidence? I think not.
I just hope that I can stay sober for good this time. Because I know now, without ANY doubt, that if I pick up again I will lose it all again. And that's not the life I want anymore. Congratulations, Tealily! Let's do this together!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,467
Tearily, I completely relate to what you said. It's incredible how, slowly but surely, alcohol destroys every bit of our lives. I'm so glad you have the clarity to see this and to know that you never have to live like that again.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Hi Tealily. I love your post. I wasted decades. Never wanted to do anything that didn't involve alcohol. I'm so happy I got free and found my way out of that miserable trap. You sound ready to reclaim your life - we know you can. 
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
This is a wonderful post Tealilly. It helped me.
Ive had some pretty intense loneliness and depression (plus I got really ill the past three days) this week. I have not drank.
But this depression I am feeling is really rough.
Your post reminded me to stay focused with FAITH in this process.
Big hugs. You sound GREAT.
Ive had some pretty intense loneliness and depression (plus I got really ill the past three days) this week. I have not drank.
But this depression I am feeling is really rough.
Your post reminded me to stay focused with FAITH in this process.
Big hugs. You sound GREAT.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by herculana
This is a wonderful post Tealilly. It helped me.
Ive had some pretty intense loneliness and depression (plus I got really ill the past three days) this week. I have not drank.
But this depression I am feeling is really rough.
Your post reminded me to stay focused with FAITH in this process.
Big hugs. You sound GREAT.
Ive had some pretty intense loneliness and depression (plus I got really ill the past three days) this week. I have not drank.
But this depression I am feeling is really rough.
Your post reminded me to stay focused with FAITH in this process.
Big hugs. You sound GREAT.
I've been thinking of you a lot and wondering how you were doing. I'm so sorry you've had a rough few days. What rotten luck, to be sick so early in this new time for you. Good for you for hanging in there and not drinking. I know you know that it would only make the loneliness and sadness worse in the long run and that numbing it won't make it go away. I never thought, during drinking, that I was "medicating" myself with it. But looking back, I think I certainly was, but it's a medication that backfires in every possible way, and even exacerbates depression.
Hugs to you! Please post if you are feeling down again. I'm cheering you on and am right along side you in spirit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by NewLife310
I can SO relate to this, Tealily! I'm suddenly acutely aware of all the time I've wasted and opportunities I've squandered. So much so that it's hard not to let the depression of those thoughts bring me down.
But things feel different this time. I no longer feel any sadness or remorse for not being able to drink again (the first time that's happened) and absolutely ALL of the romanticism about drinking is gone. So after many stops, only to start drinking again, it feels like it's finally sunk in to my thick skull.
But the good news is that in the two weeks that I've been sober (today is day 15 woot!) doors have suddenly opened and things seem to magically be taking off for me career-wise. And I'm quickly moving towards accomplishing some major goals that I've literally waited for and worked for for over 25 years for. Is this a co-incidence? I think not.
I just hope that I can stay sober for good this time. Because I know now, without ANY doubt, that if I pick up again I will lose it all again. And that's not the life I want anymore. Congratulations, Tealily! Let's do this together!
But things feel different this time. I no longer feel any sadness or remorse for not being able to drink again (the first time that's happened) and absolutely ALL of the romanticism about drinking is gone. So after many stops, only to start drinking again, it feels like it's finally sunk in to my thick skull.
But the good news is that in the two weeks that I've been sober (today is day 15 woot!) doors have suddenly opened and things seem to magically be taking off for me career-wise. And I'm quickly moving towards accomplishing some major goals that I've literally waited for and worked for for over 25 years for. Is this a co-incidence? I think not.
I just hope that I can stay sober for good this time. Because I know now, without ANY doubt, that if I pick up again I will lose it all again. And that's not the life I want anymore. Congratulations, Tealily! Let's do this together!
Congratulations on the 15 days and on the opportunities opening up for you! I think you're right: It's not a coincidence.
This time I, too, am finally able to lay off the romanticization of drinking and haven't been feeling deprived. I do get cravings, out of nowhere, but I've been able to let them peak and pass. Instead I make myself think, for example, how good it will feel to wake up tomorrow feeling clearheaded, rested and without regret.
Glad to be working on this together.
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