Originally Posted by honeypig

batchel, I think the members who've said it's not a good idea to get involved w/making a "laundry list" for him to check off. I think they are exactly right that he will use this to guilt you and beat you up, saying that he did everything you wanted and how you are so unreasonable and holy cow, he worked so hard and YOU STILL AREN'T HAPPY, what do you WANT?!?

Then, if you have any fears he can play on (which I surely did), you'll hear how you will never find anyone who can meet your ridiculous standards, there is no one else who would put up with you, etc., so that you end up truly afraid that you really ARE doomed to a life of being alone b/c you are just too demanding.

I do agree w/Anvil, though, that no drinking ever (and no substituting another addiction for drinking) is an absolute necessity. Until that condition is met, and met for an extended period of time (a year minimum?), there is no point in talking about anything else. If you make that point non-negotiable, I'm guessing that will cut the discussion pretty short...

It took me many, many small steps to finally get XAH out of the house, so I can relate to this. I remember him asking me once, after a period of maybe 2 weeks tops of alleged sobriety, when our sex life would return to normal, b/c if it didn't do so soon, well then, what was even the point of him getting sober? After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I said "I have no clue when/if that might happen, but considering that we've been struggling here for YEARS, I don't think that it's gonna be in terms of a couple of weeks." Looking back, yep, "recovery" was all about what HE wanted, which should have been a red flag for me that it really wasn’t recovery at all.

Another time he was berating me about some issues in the marriage that were "preventing him from getting sober" (honestly don't even remember what the problem(s) was/were). He blathered on in a very non-specific manner about these things and finally I said "I'm not sure exactly what you want to happen. Can you describe what this would look like?" He stopped, sat there for a minute, started to talk a couple of times, then finally said "I have no idea. I really don't know." OK, kudos to you for saying that, at least!

In my case, there was a certain amount of his trying to keep the status quo, but looking back, and speaking with as much honesty as I can muster, it was way more on me--I really, really, REALLY didn't want to have to change things. Not my finances, not how the work around here got done, not how I spent my time, not a damn thing. I was unhappy but secure in it, if that makes any kind of twisted sense to you.

Once he finally moved out, he made no attempts of any kind to get back together. We do talk regularly, and he’s helped me w/a number of things—learning snowblower maintenance, getting vast amounts of contractor stuff sold/donated out of brother’s big pole barn here, etc. But he doesn’t ask about moving back out here, or getting together again. And this has really made me take a long, hard look at my part in all we went through—how much of this could I have avoided had I been more willing to stand on my own 2 feet sooner? While I didn’t cause the drinking, I am a LOT more responsible for how long I stayed in the marriage and for what I was willing to accept as “good enough” than I would have admitted even 6 months ago, let alone back when I was in the thick of it.

Good luck, batchel, and stay strong. Things do look really, really different from the outside, and I think you’ve already experienced some of that.