Originally Posted by
SimplyE 
Okay it hit hard. I have a drinking problem.
This morning anxiety through roof. Doubled up stomach knotting anxiety. Whats the point of trying thoughts. Down on myself thoughts. Depressed thoughts.
I can make it go away by drinking. I planned it out in my head. I can start not drinking on the first of June. Thank God I have to take a friend to the college. Something in me will not cancel and that saved me….for now…
I spent 35 to 40 minutes planing to drink. Even to the point of planning to cancel my appointment wth counselor tomorrow. I can’t do this, it will kill me in the end.
The anxiety feels like it will too. Too raw and too real.
So for now stay close to apartment. Take friend to college.
Then what? I guess I see why one day at a time.
I need to get cat food and groceries but don't trust myself.
Maybe I can at least stop at pet store with friend. Cat needs food and there is no wine there.
I can’t believe I am writing this.
I will keep reading. I knew I had to make a change
This is going to be more of a battle than I thought
If I write and post I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.
I'm so glad you posted.
Please believe me when I say that the anxiety will NOT kill you. I remember feeling just that way myself and thinking the same thing. And I used that same word RAW to describe how I felt. Like all my edges had been knocked off and my nerves were exposed. Isolating in your apartment might seem like the safest option right now but believe me, that isn't necessarily the case. What is causing you pain right now is your anxiety and thoughts of self-deprecation and hopelessness. If you stay alone in your apartment you're basically giving free reign to those thoughts. Can I make some suggestions that you are perfectly at liberty to do with what you wish...
*Check for the HALT triggers (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired ) and address any that could be rattling you. A buddy of mine is absolutely raving if she gets hungry. Another one when she is lonely. My AV leads me a merry dance when I get lonely and tired as a combo. Those triggers can be ridiculously powerful!
*Get to a meeting. Even if you just sit an listen to what others say, it can go some way to taking you out of yourself.
*Listen to some uplifting music - you may feel more drawn to the music that reflects your current mode, but music can be used to either reinforce our mood (not a good idea right now) or alter it.
*Go for a walk or drive somewhere calm and beautiful (depending where you live this may or not be an option )
*You could do a combination of all of the above! (Drive the scenic route to a meeting while listening to some uplifting music! Lol)
*Go for a run or bike ride or a swim.
*Phone someone you love and ask them how THEY are (taking you out of yourself)
*Help someone - if you know of someone who needs helping (honestly, this is powerful!)
*Write a gratitude list
I'm sure others will chip in with some suggestions as well. This recovery malarkey is a real learning process. It wasn't by doing the things I wanted to do that I got well, but by taking suggestions and trying / doing things that I might not need to do, but it turned out that I needed to do those things.
Praying for ya.
BB
PS alcohol might give a temporary reprieve to these feelings, but it's also the cause of them. Someone used the analogy yesterday of being stubborn and keeping getting back on the bus that was taking them somewhere painful. In my head I saw one of those electric bulls that people get on to (inevitably) get tossed off again, maybe getting hurt worse the next time. You wanna get back on that bull to distract you from the bruises and bumps ut gave you last time? Any of us can take that choice any time we like. It's insanity, but we're all at liberty to continue the madness. I hope you decide not to. That bull is a real bastard!!