Well after a pretty sleepless night I'd like to say I feel loads better but I don't I dread him waking up. I don't want to deal with his guilt today and I know it's coming and so does he. I sat in his CA meeting with him last week and they spent an hour talking about it...the guilt of relapse, the disgust he will feel in himself. I know he doesn't do it to deliberately hurt me or himself. I know in the scheme of things he's done great once in two weeks was a huge achievement however today is day zero again and for him and me it means him clucking, the moodiness, and for me it's that reminder that day zero could always be there.
Having read your replies it makes me smile and sad as I know you all get it, you've been there or are still there but it also makes me sad as I know you're probably right I don't think he's done, he wants to stop but he wants a magic wand which he thinks the recovery project has. He doesn't seem willing to put the hard work in and doesn't realise you will only ever get out of life what you put in. I'm so mad of his the world owes me something attitude and being told to see it from his perspective. The reality is life is to a large extent about conforming, about consequences, about doing what's right even if sometimes we don't really want to. I don't want to go to work, get up at 5 just so I can get a few hours work in so I can spend two hours with my kids before school, then work another seven, spend a few more hours with them before bed then work again til 10pm...I have to though and I do it as they are worth every bit of tiredness. Why should I look at it from his perspective. We live in the real world perhaps he needs to start looking at it from ours.
The stark reality of addiction petrifies me. I look at CA and those amazing people that are ten years clean and sober but who sit there and admit they would still use, it's always there and I think omg can I do this. Can I live with him knowing that even a few years on he could still relapse. Today the answer is no. He has two maybe four weeks til recovery project. I won't make him homeless but I'm going away with my mum and kids I need a break. I will get him there but then I'm forgiving myself and loving myself and letting him go. He is very lucky in that if he works hard he can stay in recovery project for 1-3 years. He will have a great foundation for change he's lucky how many of us get that opportunity to sort through our own lives so thoroughly who's going to counsel us and make us forget the hurt and pain they've put us through. I'll always love him but today is day zero for me too in a sense and the day I put me and my kids first. We all have to make out own journey and I'm quite excited to be starting mine
