Arghhhhh

Old 05-25-2017, 01:43 PM
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Arghhhhh

Sorry I'm new but I just need to vent. My other half is relatively new on his journey of recovery but has been doing so well, he's scripted, attending drug counselling, going to CA and after weeks of what feels like just me (but I should say we) fighting I got him a place in a recovery project. Brilliant. He was 12 days clean from the crack too....and then he got his benefits....and then came the old well versed lines I've heard before, the self pity, the one last time gag, the oh well I'm going into recovery project soon it will all work then, oh it doesn't affect you or your kids I don't know why your mad!! Do you know what I am mad, I'm fuming, yes at him but more so at me for being naive and for being so proud and for letting my guard slip and forgetting he's an addict and this is what happens...relapse. yes I know it happens and it's part of the journey but do you know what today I don't care, I'm fed up with the merry go round, I'm fed up with him thinking its a victimless crime/ habit. Every time he uses a part of me breaks and the love and respect I once had disappears. I'm sick of making excuses for him. I want my life back the one before where I didn't have to worry if today would be the day he slipped, if today was safe to leave my purse on the side, of watching what I say so as not to stress him, or be the reason or excuse he uses to use drugs. I'm tired it's exhausting. Perhaps tomorrow I'll wake up and think OK today's a new day let's move on and keep going but I don't know how many times I can keep doing it. There will always be a reason or excuse for them to use and I know it's an illness but just once I wish we were the priority and he could look around and see the millions of reasons not to use.
Perhaps I'm being selfish but tonight I want to be selfish....sorry for the rant
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Old 05-25-2017, 01:49 PM
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Sounds like you need some real time support as well as posting here on SR... I know, it is exhausting, you can change it though, for you and your children, probably not for him, but he has made his choices for now. They don't get it til they get it. Sorry you are stuggling, live your life for you, not for his addiction.
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Old 05-25-2017, 02:03 PM
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Welcome to SR, Frustrated. You sound absolutely beat.
Well, you know what you know. Maybe it's time for a change. Living with an addict is no day at the beach.
Good luck. Keep coming back.
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Old 05-25-2017, 02:04 PM
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Thank you for replying. He doesn't get it. He's just walked back in and to top it all off he's drunk...and I mean drunk drunk. The annoying snivelling slurring makes you want to scream kind of drunk. Me I just want to go to bed but no he wants to hug and tell me how unreasonable I'm being.... he's an addict what do I expect. Seriously how did I get myself into this position do I honestly love him more than I love myself. At times I do wonder why I do it. He seems to think the answer is in that crack pipe or in the bottom of the vodka bottle but I know the answer...I love my kids more than anything so no more chances he goes to recovery and then if he doesn't get clean he doesn't come home it's that simple.
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Old 05-25-2017, 02:12 PM
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You are so right! Take care of yourself and your kids!
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Old 05-25-2017, 02:15 PM
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you definitely sound like you've had enough!!! and it doesn't sound like he's DONE being an addict.

you mention kids.....they MUST be your priority. they deserve a better living environment, one that does not include booze and drugs and stumbling around drunks. and so do you.

he may not WANT to be the clean and sober guy you hope he can be. he sure isn't showing you that thru his actions.........even if he makes it to the recovery project, you can still be DONE anytime. ANY time.
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Old 05-25-2017, 02:34 PM
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Frustrated, I feel you. My AH is in rehab right now for crack. The night before he left, he had one last epic binge after being a self-centered jerk all weekend. We shall see how he does when he gets out, but that using right up until the day did not amuse me or give me much hope either.

I understand your anger. I have lots of that too. I'm using his time away to work on me so that maybe, just maybe I can be sane no matter what happens when he comes home. It's awfully hard to be sane living with a crack addict.
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Old 05-25-2017, 03:56 PM
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Oh, the old, "I don't know why you're mad"! It really gets us codies, because we see it as our cue to make them "understand"... when in fact, it is their goal NOT to! They are in deep, deep denial. They don't want to see the pain they're causing. So when we try to explain, um, hello! Look what you're doing here! We're really just talking to a blank wall, or whatever the expression is.

You will let go of a lot of the frustration you're feeling when you begin to understand and, thus, break free of the game.

No matter how many reasons there may be for him to quit, when that devil on his shoulder starts to whispering, they won't matter... until (and IF) he's learned to.

Addiction makes no sense.

Protect yourself and your children. Protect your MIND. Because living with an addict can absolutely drive you insane.
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Old 05-25-2017, 10:23 PM
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Well after a pretty sleepless night I'd like to say I feel loads better but I don't I dread him waking up. I don't want to deal with his guilt today and I know it's coming and so does he. I sat in his CA meeting with him last week and they spent an hour talking about it...the guilt of relapse, the disgust he will feel in himself. I know he doesn't do it to deliberately hurt me or himself. I know in the scheme of things he's done great once in two weeks was a huge achievement however today is day zero again and for him and me it means him clucking, the moodiness, and for me it's that reminder that day zero could always be there.
Having read your replies it makes me smile and sad as I know you all get it, you've been there or are still there but it also makes me sad as I know you're probably right I don't think he's done, he wants to stop but he wants a magic wand which he thinks the recovery project has. He doesn't seem willing to put the hard work in and doesn't realise you will only ever get out of life what you put in. I'm so mad of his the world owes me something attitude and being told to see it from his perspective. The reality is life is to a large extent about conforming, about consequences, about doing what's right even if sometimes we don't really want to. I don't want to go to work, get up at 5 just so I can get a few hours work in so I can spend two hours with my kids before school, then work another seven, spend a few more hours with them before bed then work again til 10pm...I have to though and I do it as they are worth every bit of tiredness. Why should I look at it from his perspective. We live in the real world perhaps he needs to start looking at it from ours.
The stark reality of addiction petrifies me. I look at CA and those amazing people that are ten years clean and sober but who sit there and admit they would still use, it's always there and I think omg can I do this. Can I live with him knowing that even a few years on he could still relapse. Today the answer is no. He has two maybe four weeks til recovery project. I won't make him homeless but I'm going away with my mum and kids I need a break. I will get him there but then I'm forgiving myself and loving myself and letting him go. He is very lucky in that if he works hard he can stay in recovery project for 1-3 years. He will have a great foundation for change he's lucky how many of us get that opportunity to sort through our own lives so thoroughly who's going to counsel us and make us forget the hurt and pain they've put us through. I'll always love him but today is day zero for me too in a sense and the day I put me and my kids first. We all have to make out own journey and I'm quite excited to be starting mine
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Old 05-26-2017, 05:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Frustrated1980 View Post
Well after a pretty sleepless night I'd like to say I feel loads better but I don't I dread him waking up. I don't want to deal with his guilt today and I know it's coming and so does he. I sat in his CA meeting with him last week and they spent an hour talking about it...the guilt of relapse, the disgust he will feel in himself. I know he doesn't do it to deliberately hurt me or himself. I know in the scheme of things he's done great once in two weeks was a huge achievement however today is day zero again and for him and me it means him clucking, the moodiness, and for me it's that reminder that day zero could always be there.
Having read your replies it makes me smile and sad as I know you all get it, you've been there or are still there but it also makes me sad as I know you're probably right I don't think he's done, he wants to stop but he wants a magic wand which he thinks the recovery project has. He doesn't seem willing to put the hard work in and doesn't realise you will only ever get out of life what you put in. I'm so mad of his the world owes me something attitude and being told to see it from his perspective. The reality is life is to a large extent about conforming, about consequences, about doing what's right even if sometimes we don't really want to. I don't want to go to work, get up at 5 just so I can get a few hours work in so I can spend two hours with my kids before school, then work another seven, spend a few more hours with them before bed then work again til 10pm...I have to though and I do it as they are worth every bit of tiredness. Why should I look at it from his perspective. We live in the real world perhaps he needs to start looking at it from ours.
The stark reality of addiction petrifies me. I look at CA and those amazing people that are ten years clean and sober but who sit there and admit they would still use, it's always there and I think omg can I do this. Can I live with him knowing that even a few years on he could still relapse. Today the answer is no. He has two maybe four weeks til recovery project. I won't make him homeless but I'm going away with my mum and kids I need a break. I will get him there but then I'm forgiving myself and loving myself and letting him go. He is very lucky in that if he works hard he can stay in recovery project for 1-3 years. He will have a great foundation for change he's lucky how many of us get that opportunity to sort through our own lives so thoroughly who's going to counsel us and make us forget the hurt and pain they've put us through. I'll always love him but today is day zero for me too in a sense and the day I put me and my kids first. We all have to make out own journey and I'm quite excited to be starting mine
I can't begin to tell you how much I relate to all this. You aren't walking alone in this madness.
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Old 05-26-2017, 06:11 AM
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With distance often comes clarity. Enjoy your time away.
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