Arghhhhh
Sorry I'm new but I just need to vent. My other half is relatively new on his journey of recovery but has been doing so well, he's scripted, attending drug counselling, going to CA and after weeks of what feels like just me (but I should say we) fighting I got him a place in a recovery project. Brilliant. He was 12 days clean from the crack too....and then he got his benefits....and then came the old well versed lines I've heard before, the self pity, the one last time gag, the oh well I'm going into recovery project soon it will all work then, oh it doesn't affect you or your kids I don't know why your mad!! Do you know what I am mad, I'm fuming, yes at him but more so at me for being naive and for being so proud and for letting my guard slip and forgetting he's an addict and this is what happens...relapse. yes I know it happens and it's part of the journey but do you know what today I don't care, I'm fed up with the merry go round, I'm fed up with him thinking its a victimless crime/ habit. Every time he uses a part of me breaks and the love and respect I once had disappears. I'm sick of making excuses for him. I want my life back the one before where I didn't have to worry if today would be the day he slipped, if today was safe to leave my purse on the side, of watching what I say so as not to stress him, or be the reason or excuse he uses to use drugs. I'm tired it's exhausting. Perhaps tomorrow I'll wake up and think OK today's a new day let's move on and keep going but I don't know how many times I can keep doing it. There will always be a reason or excuse for them to use and I know it's an illness but just once I wish we were the priority and he could look around and see the millions of reasons not to use.
Perhaps I'm being selfish but tonight I want to be selfish....sorry for the rant