Thanks Smarie
To answer your question, yes. I had actually already made the decision that I wanted my life back. And that she was not going to "figure it out" while we were together and most importantly, I couldn't tolerate living with her active addiction anymore.
I kicked her out and she spent the last 10 days of her life drinking herself to death in a ****** hotel room.
That actually messed with my codependency quite a bit. It felt like reinforcement of my addiction to saving her in that "look what happened as soon as I wasn't there". Over the past month, I've come to the realization that nothing was going to save her. She wasn't close to recovery. She tried AA to appease me and my nagging and yelling at her.
At the end, our relationship was almost entirely toxic and dysfunctional. We either screamed at each other or didn't talk. And I knew that it wasn't healthy for me or my kids to live that way.
I am truly sad that she is gone and I've missed who I imagined she could be almost every day.
The fantasy is harder to let go than the reality and when I find myself being too melancholy about the situation I remind myself of what our relationship was and not what it could have been "if only"