Rough Day

Old 05-14-2017, 09:01 PM
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Rough Day

Hey all,

Today has been a rough one. Especially considering the day it is today.

I've been alone for most of the day and since I was already feeling sad, I figured I would start going through my fiancé's things.

Not really looking for empathy and sympathy.

Just wanted to share that as hard as it's been to do this, it has also been extremely eye opening.

When it comes to alcoholics and alcoholism, we really do only see the tip of the iceberg. I have found countless liquor and pill bottle stashed within her things.

I knew her problem was bad and yet I am still surprised and shocked by what I continue to find. It was right under my nose the whole time and I just continued to ignore it.

My fiancé was a sweet, kind, and caring woman who was deeply troubled and very very sick. Sicker than I could have even imagined.

I guess what I'm hoping to share with everyone who is still on the fence is a couple things.

1) Trust yourself. If you feel like they've been drinking, they have. If you feel like it's over and time to move on, it is.

2) No amount of love or time will help them figure it out. They must do it for themselves and even then it is a life long commitment taken one day at a time.

3) The rest of your life starts today. What kind of life do you want to live? Time is our most precious resource. We must choose to invest it wisely in people who understand that value and give us at least as much as they take.

I thank you all for your support during this time and I'm not sure what I would do without all of you. I can never repay the kindness you have all shown me.
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Old 05-14-2017, 09:16 PM
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Thank you for your thoughtful post. Some days for you will be harder than others, but the important thing is that you get through them. It's hard when the reality looks us in the eyes and even harder when the kind and good people who are buried beneath their addictions, succumb to them. We are shocked because we so much want them to fight and choose wellness and do the work because we know under all that muck is a valuable person. I always use to say that despite all I knew, I would still find myself shocked at the expected and most predictable behaviors in the addict. My shock was because I fought to accept that the person I love was simply just sick and not ready to work to get better.
That's when you find your path to acceptance. Not what you want, but what simply "is". You find their stash and think "I can't believe how deep this sickness was". But you can believe it. Just hard to take.

Your thoughtful words are true and simply stated as is.

I do have a question for you, do you think you'd have made the action to leave were she here today?

Big hugs of support, you are doing great and learning so much about yourself.
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Old 05-14-2017, 09:32 PM
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Thanks Smarie

To answer your question, yes. I had actually already made the decision that I wanted my life back. And that she was not going to "figure it out" while we were together and most importantly, I couldn't tolerate living with her active addiction anymore.

I kicked her out and she spent the last 10 days of her life drinking herself to death in a ****** hotel room.

That actually messed with my codependency quite a bit. It felt like reinforcement of my addiction to saving her in that "look what happened as soon as I wasn't there". Over the past month, I've come to the realization that nothing was going to save her. She wasn't close to recovery. She tried AA to appease me and my nagging and yelling at her.

At the end, our relationship was almost entirely toxic and dysfunctional. We either screamed at each other or didn't talk. And I knew that it wasn't healthy for me or my kids to live that way.

I am truly sad that she is gone and I've missed who I imagined she could be almost every day.

The fantasy is harder to let go than the reality and when I find myself being too melancholy about the situation I remind myself of what our relationship was and not what it could have been "if only"
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Old 05-14-2017, 09:37 PM
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Thank you for your post HBG.

D
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Old 05-14-2017, 09:44 PM
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Sending you a hug. Know that your posts have no doubt helped others today.

Wishing you peace of mind.
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Old 05-14-2017, 09:47 PM
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Sorry you've been through this and are still smarting from it. Like yiu say, keep reminding yourself of the reality of the situation and don't give those fantasies headspace.

Have you read the CoDa handbook or attended any of their meetings at all? If not it could be well worth a look. (Especially the handbook - I read it with tears running down my cheeks as so much fell into place for me as I saw myself and my experiences in its pages).

Prayers for you today.

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Old 05-14-2017, 10:04 PM
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I had to go back to your first thread. I had thought she passed from cirrhosis. I didn't know it was the result of poisoning from a bender. Is that correct? I am sorry if I'm triggering, I just didn't know so imagine this has been profoundly devastating. I say that because Abf is a frequent bender type and usually finds hotels to do them. My fear was always driven by him not surviving them and it played HUGE on my Codie side bc I imagined I was keeping him from death if I let him stay in my home. of course after enough times I just accepted that I may get the call he was found in a hotel room. I learned that me kicking him out didn't matter bc if I let him stay, the only difference would be he'd drink himself to death in my home. And yes there were times I did let him stay (hey silly brain said, I'll just babysit at least I can control it and hide things right?) and guess what? He drank just as bad and as much as he did when he found hotels to do it in.
In other words, me kicking him out didn't make any difference because he was going to drink regardless of where. I hope that makes sense and maybe helps with any guilt you are still processing. If you didn't kick her out she'd have still likely drink herself to an unfortunate fate for those 10 days , just in your house instead. When addicts are ready to do it, nothing can stop them- not even location.

Anyhow keep up with therapy. Guilt is something everyone faces in the grieving process, but with us that is going to be a million times over. Sounds like you are really making progress and learning. Kudos to you.
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Old 05-15-2017, 04:17 AM
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Hello Guy,

I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly about 1.5 years ago. I feel a lot of guilt, and my husband was not an alcoholic or addict. I can't begin to imagine how hard this has been for you. You are doing remarkably well, and I hope you continue to come here for support as needed.

Please take all the time you need to go through your fiancee's belongings. It is not an easy process.

Sending support and prayers, S
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Old 05-15-2017, 06:51 AM
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Hey Smarie,

The cause of death is still undetermined. They did an autopsy that was inconclusive. I'm supposed to get her ashes and the death certificate today.

Since I was technically not next of kin, I have not gotten much of any information.
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Old 05-15-2017, 09:39 AM
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I pick up her ashes today. I am supposed to get a copy of the death certificate.

As a side note, I feel very conflicted about what to do with her ashes. Should I keep them? Should I let them blow away in the wind?

I seriously just want to be done. I'm tired of grieving what was never going to be and I'm tired of dealing with this.
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Old 05-15-2017, 10:15 AM
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The urge to "just be done" with painful stuff has led me down some regretful roads in the past.

I suggest putting the ashes aside for now, somewhere you won't see them every day, for a time when you have a clearer idea of what to do with them.
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Old 05-15-2017, 10:23 AM
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There would be no harm in leaving off from making decisions about what to do with the Ashes for a while. No need to decide anything just now.

Is there some family or childhood friend who would know a good place and be willing to scatter the ashes perhaps?

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Old 05-15-2017, 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
The urge to "just be done" with painful stuff has led me down some regretful roads in the past.

I suggest putting the ashes aside for now, somewhere you won't see them every day, for a time when you have a clearer idea of what to do with them.
It's been a month already. I don't think I can do this much longer. I'm a hot ass mess. And actually I feel very pathetic. I'm pretending that I'm ok, but really I'm not.
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Old 05-15-2017, 10:53 AM
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I agree with the above posters. Also, did she have any family or friends who might want to help out? it's ok if you do not want to involve yourself too.
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Old 05-15-2017, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 View Post
I agree with the above posters. Also, did she have any family or friends who might want to help out? it's ok if you do not want to involve yourself too.
She had no real family. And had isolated from most of her friends. Her ashes are being split between her kids and myself.

I'm probably just going to put them away for a while. I still have lots of her things to go through.

I want to move on with my life and feel like all this crap is just obstacles in my way.
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Old 05-15-2017, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy View Post
It's been a month already. I don't think I can do this much longer. I'm a hot ass mess. And actually I feel very pathetic. I'm pretending that I'm ok, but really I'm not.
You're not pathetic.

You're exactly where you are supposed to be.

Do not underestimate how serious the grieving process is, and you have a whole heap of addiction-related complications on top of it. A month is just a start, my friend.

And you can stop pretending to be okay. It's just preventing you from releasing the feelings which will actually help you GET to okay. Who are you performing for? Now's the time to lean on people who can support you while you deal with all of these feelings, not to worrying about making their lives easier by pretending you don't need help.
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Old 05-15-2017, 11:27 AM
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I think I would let her kids deal with her ashes. You two had broken up. Yes, there was still love there, but you aren't family and weren't on your way any longer to being family.

I think having the ashes of a dead fiancee will be something awfully heavy to have around. You could tell the kids if they plan to have a ceremony you'd be happy to be there, but otherwise I'd let them handle the whole thing.
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Old 05-15-2017, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy View Post
She had no real family. And had isolated from most of her friends. Her ashes are being split between her kids and myself.

I'm probably just going to put them away for a while. I still have lots of her things to go through.

I want to move on with my life and feel like all this crap is just obstacles in my way.
Ok. Just my opinion, but perhaps it isn't a bad idea to give all the ashes to the children. I don't know if you picked them up already, but from what you are saying it sounds like that would be a healthy way to handle. Have the children take them all so you can move on in the way you need.
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Old 05-15-2017, 12:48 PM
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Thank you both.

There are a couple wrinkles I guess.

One being, the ashes have already been split and her ex-MIL has already paid for an urn for me. She asked me when she started making arrangements about a month ago and I said Yes. I don't feel comfortable refusing them now that she has come out of pocket for me.

Secondly her kids live in another state now. Their father did not live in the same state we did and I have not seen them since she passed. We've talked about them coming for a visit but it hasn't progressed past that.

I have some internal guilt that if I don't accept the ashes or have a ceremony for her then I didn't "truly" love her. I know this is my own mind but I feel as though I may be judged.
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Old 05-15-2017, 12:57 PM
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I can't imagine that anyone would judge you harshly--you've been so kind to the kids. I don't think the fact that her ex MIL paid for the urn obligates you to be responsible for her remains. Seems to me you've got a couple of options. I don't think holding onto the ashes would be healthy for you, to be honest. I'd suggest one of the following: scatter them privately in a place that's meaningful for you. Give them to her kids, with the explanation that you feel they are the most rightful custodians, after giving it a lot of thought. OR pay for a memorial niche at your local cemetery and leave them there. Any one of those is respectful of her memory, without having the constant reminder in your home.
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