FYI, when I got sober I still "had it all" from an external view. Had a good job, no credit problems, never arrested, never hospitalized, never lost a relationship. Owned my house and a car. But I was falling apart INSIDE and everything would have imploded very shortly had I not stopped. And it took me four years of desperately trying to "control" my drinking before I got to that point. And I doubt I would have reached that point as early as I did but for the fact that I had so much knowledge about alcoholism by that time (which didn't keep me from developing it, but it probably kept me from sliding as far as I might have). It was still extraordinarily difficult for me to admit it about myself.
Al-Anon was an absolute lifeline for me when I was with partners who were actively drinking or in early recovery. My life wasn't in "shambles" but it was certainly unmanageable, because everything revolved around the alcoholic--would he drink/relapse? How would he behave on a particular occasion? How can I make him quit?
Just to be clear, honeypig was NOT suggesting that you drop everything and pick out the perfect rehab for him. That's not the solution, and she was basically saying that it doesn't work, though most of us try to do stuff like that.
I think you DO need to talk to him about how his drinking affects you, and your family. Just don't expect actual recovery to come out of that. You are likely to get, at most, some vague promises to "cut back" which will either be followed by short-lived attempts to do so, or by hiding his drinking.
There is actually relatively little you can do to get him sober. You can speak your truth, but making rules and trying to manage it will be unsuccessful and build resentment on both sides. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, and Al-Anon is the best program I've run across for that. Its focus is on taking care of what's within your control and responsibility and allowing others the dignity of living their own lives. Nobody will tell you to leave, or to stay. But you'll be in a much better position to make such decisions if you've got the proper mindset to do so.
Don't EVER make any ultimatums or threats you don't intend to carry out. And don't expect to manage someone else by manipulating them that way. It's one thing to say, "I don't intend to continue to live in a relationship with active alcoholism, with a partner who is checked-out much of the time, and the time may come when I've had enough," and another to say, "If you don't quit drinking right now I'm leaving you," when you have no immediate plans in place to do so.