Hi, fts--I just saw dandy's request for this to be posted on your thread. May it bring you some hope and some strength.
There is a Unitarian Universalist church near me that I sometimes attend. I heard this song performed there and loved it, had to come home, find it on YouTube and save it for my future use!
There is an article here
Kintsugi, Centuries Old Japanese Method of Repairing Pottery with Gold
about this topic, the mending of broken items w/gold. It's all interesting, but the most pertinent part is this, I think:
...the practice is related to the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi, which calls for seeing beauty in the flawed or imperfect. The repair method was also born from the Japanese feeling of mottainai, which expresses regret when something is wasted, as well as mushin, the acceptance of change.
I'm sorry for the hellish childhood you experienced. My stepfather was an abusive person and my mother is an ACOA who never sought help. My 6 siblings and I are all marked by the way we grew up. It took me till I was in my 40s to start really addressing all that was wrong and damaging in my early life. Like you, I had run to any man who seemed like he could protect me and "fix" me, with XAH being the last one.
It is only recently (I am 56) that I've been able to see how to
use what I learned and what I experienced in a manner that helps me move ahead rather than keeping me stuck in the swamp of the past.
I'm finally beginning to learn to put the broken pieces back together and to glue them in place with gold. I know that you can do this, too, fts.