Like seriously Free?

Old 05-05-2017, 07:22 PM
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and smile, I will :)
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Like seriously Free?

So, here I am. At our local state park. The evening is just a spectacle of beauty. And i have my daughters with me. In the distance I can hear their giggles and happiness.
Ah is at a sweat. A native American ceremony with some guys from AA.
I know that it's over between us. Like i totally get that. please understand that i get it.
But it's not f-ing fair. I mean, why? Why is it the DRINKING and not, "maybe I should get some help with the way i treat my wife"

Perhaps during the inventory that could be addressed!! Hint hint jerkwad!! I've been here the whole damn time. Fighting for ever damn inch.
I am just so hurt...and I know that no matter what, I'm always going to be the W word, the C word, the wrecker, the liar..... and the DRINKING or not drinking is NEVER going to change that.
I'm so beyond broken that I don't really think i could ever find love again. I mean, i guess I've never really had love to begin with. Not even for myself until relatively recently.
Yes, im sure most would say, don't even WORRY about that now free..but damn it, I would make a fine wife and I'm loyal as hell, and I'm not half bad looking, and i want my shot at something that is tangibly love. I think i deserve that... and i feel like my A has f'd me up beyond beliefs... and now he's REALLY getting sober??? Load of BS!
My feelings are hurt and I wish that I was important enough to someone ....
And this is not negative self talk...this is reality.
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Old 05-05-2017, 07:34 PM
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I'm so sorry for EVERYTHING you've been through. Not minimizing your hurt, at all.

The thing is, it isn't about you--it never has been. He would have treated any other partner the same way. And once you're gone, chances are he'll eventually hook up with someone else, and he will treat her the same way he did you.

You DO deserve better, and someday you will have that.
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Old 05-05-2017, 07:45 PM
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, im sure most would say, don't even WORRY about that now free..but damn it, I would make a fine wife and I'm loyal as hell, and I'm not half bad looking, and i want my shot at something that is tangibly love. I think i deserve that... and i feel like my A has f'd me up beyond beliefs

Hi Free,
I'm sorry for the misery you're going through. You do deserve Love! And a shot at a happier and serene life will be there for you too. It just takes time (lots of time)to work the misery out. Yep I felt ( i still have bad moments) like exa effed me up too. But I do realize I'm responsible too. Although I still hold him more responsible than myself. I was loyal to a fault as well.
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Old 05-05-2017, 07:57 PM
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I get it Free. And I know you know his drinking and his emotional abuse and control issues are separate things and he can't address the latter. You have been badly damaged by this person (I refuse to call him a "man"). You WILL recover - I know this bc you are very SMART and very aware of what's going on. But you MUST extract yourself from him in order to start your recovery process. Even once divorced, he will still try and be in control of you. It's like that is his LIFE to control your every move and feeling! I pray you have a good therapist to help you through this extraction process and you must establish new rules (=boundaries) with him. Focus on #1YOU, #2CHILDREN, #3WONDERFULNEWCAREER! ((((HUGS))))
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Old 05-05-2017, 08:14 PM
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and smile, I will :)
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Thank you rae,
But I've spent many years picking out my faults... I'm fed up with it. Of course I'm responsible for me. I always have been.

Sure, i guess i should have left a long time ago. I certainly know that.
I think, and this is one of the things I've discussed with my therapist on numerous occasions, I never really knew any better.

That's not an excuse..it's reality. My dad was an alcoholic but he was schizophrenic and used the alcohol to deal the best way he knew how. Mom took us away from him. He, even in the depths of his schizophrenia, wrote us a letter every week telling us how much he loved and missed us. He was so loving and so kind. He fed us. He sang to us...i really loved my dad.

My mom was a true abuser. I spent a majority of my childhood literally starving. Hard to think that happens in america, but I can assure you, it does. Favorite word for me was "parasite "...oh the terms of endearment.

Mom wouldn't take me to school when we moved to Nebraska...said it was too much in gas. Still no food... i was eating cans of corn.

So...free found an older guy. Yep, this dude had it ALL...oh and when i say all..to a 14 year old, that meant FOOD. I'm not joking when I say I was starving.
Of course food came with a price. And before long, free was pregnant...
This relationship was about as loving as my mother.

So, I guess I'm done finding out where MY responsibility is in all this. I was force fed a sh *t sandwich from the get.

Now, I'm an educated woman. I worked my ass off for it. I'm strong. I've been strong for too damn long. I've listened and listened to all the crap everyone says is MY responsibility and I've tried to really reflect on that. Change anyway I could to get SOMEONE, ANYONE to just effing LOVE me.
I never threw myself pity parties..because i didn't even know i was being mistreated. I just didn't even get it.

I've come a long way. I've tried and I haven't given up.

Yes. I've hung on for too long. But the light is very close now and I'm reaching the end of the tunnel.
I'm responsible for myself. My happiness. My peace.

But..damn... in all reality..... so was my mom. So were all the adults in my life that turned the other way even when they KNEW what was going on. And..yes, I'm an adult now. Only me can make me happy.... but sometimes... just sometimes... it would be nice just to be held and squeezed tight. To be told, i love you JUST the way you are, broken and all. And to actually have that person MEAN it. That would also "make"me very happy. I've NEVER had it before.
Sorry for typos, I'm on my phone.
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Old 05-05-2017, 09:25 PM
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A lot going on here Free (I am a rocket scientist). Just to be loved for you. That the path- alone essentially is hard- but you have achieved so much.
I am learning VERY slowly to expect nothing from others- that my own peace has to lie withon my soul. By me - for me. Mind- I do talk to myself a lot and get very yeary at things that remind me of stuff. The only moment any of us have- is now. The past is gone. All I can do- is live in the moment- try to work out what that f&cking term 'self love' means and plan for a positive future- with no one to rescue.
My empathy and support to you.
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Old 05-05-2017, 09:54 PM
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and smile, I will :)
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ View Post
A The past is gone. All I can do- is live in the moment- try to work out what that f&cking term 'self love' means .
Sure can't argue with that logic. Thanks, I needed to hear that. I'm a bit out of sorts tonight. I think I knew I was.... which was why I came back to SR.
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Old 05-05-2017, 11:11 PM
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Freetosmile.....what you want is natural to want. You are a young human woman....why wouldn't you want that....
I am reminded of the phrase from the song..."The Rose" by Bette Midler.....
....."Love isn't just for the lucky and the bold"......

I think that we all yearn to be "seen" and "heard"....to know that we are important and that our feelings and ideas and needs matter. That WE matter...
Intimate relationship seems to be a need of human beings (I'm not just talking about sex), and a big part of it is to know that we are cherished by another...that we are safe with another...that is safe to expose ourselves to the other and show our tender, vulnerable, underbelly....and have it treated with RESPECT....not just sometimes, or most of the time...but All of the time...without question....

That does exist, in this world, Freetosmile. It does. I didn't find it with my first husband...(I lived a very sheltered life, growing up...(long story)....but, I did find it, later....
You world has been very small, in some ways...such that you haven't gotten to see and experience what normal, non abusive relationships are like.
Just know that what you want is normal/natural....and that you are normal enough to want it.....

Of course you are angry....why wouldn't you be...anger is a natural reaction to being hurt...you are entitled to feel anger to those who have walked on you...

You are entitled to ask the unanswerable and rhetorical questions....I consider it a natural and predictable part of Coming Into the Light....a part of grieving and processing your experience, thus far....

You are going to make it, girl, as long as you keep looking in the forward direction....
You may have been cracked. by others (lol..don't take that the wrong way)..but, you are not all the way broken...

Ms. honeypig has a lovely deal about Chinese cups (with cracks)....I will ask her to post it for you, in case she doesn't see this post....it reminds me of you....

I am so glad that you came back to SR...because you so need to be talking to the people who understand what you are going through, beyond mere words....
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Old 05-05-2017, 11:52 PM
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Originally Posted by freetosmile2 View Post
Thank you rae,
But I've spent many years picking out my faults... I'm fed up with it. Of course I'm responsible for me. I always have been.

Sure, i guess i should have left a long time ago. I certainly know that.
I think, and this is one of the things I've discussed with my therapist on numerous occasions, I never really knew any better.

That's not an excuse..it's reality. My dad was an alcoholic but he was schizophrenic and used the alcohol to deal the best way he knew how. Mom took us away from him. He, even in the depths of his schizophrenia, wrote us a letter every week telling us how much he loved and missed us. He was so loving and so kind. He fed us. He sang to us...i really loved my dad.

My mom was a true abuser. I spent a majority of my childhood literally starving. Hard to think that happens in america, but I can assure you, it does. Favorite word for me was "parasite "...oh the terms of endearment.

Mom wouldn't take me to school when we moved to Nebraska...said it was too much in gas. Still no food... i was eating cans of corn.

So...free found an older guy. Yep, this dude had it ALL...oh and when i say all..to a 14 year old, that meant FOOD. I'm not joking when I say I was starving.
Of course food came with a price. And before long, free was pregnant...
This relationship was about as loving as my mother.

So, I guess I'm done finding out where MY responsibility is in all this. I was force fed a sh *t sandwich from the get.

Now, I'm an educated woman. I worked my ass off for it. I'm strong. I've been strong for too damn long. I've listened and listened to all the crap everyone says is MY responsibility and I've tried to really reflect on that. Change anyway I could to get SOMEONE, ANYONE to just effing LOVE me.
I never threw myself pity parties..because i didn't even know i was being mistreated. I just didn't even get it.

I've come a long way. I've tried and I haven't given up.

Yes. I've hung on for too long. But the light is very close now and I'm reaching the end of the tunnel.
I'm responsible for myself. My happiness. My peace.

But..damn... in all reality..... so was my mom. So were all the adults in my life that turned the other way even when they KNEW what was going on. And..yes, I'm an adult now. Only me can make me happy.... but sometimes... just sometimes... it would be nice just to be held and squeezed tight. To be told, i love you JUST the way you are, broken and all. And to actually have that person MEAN it. That would also "make"me very happy. I've NEVER had it before.
Sorry for typos, I'm on my phone.
Hey Free- your story is gut wrenching. Partly because my A fiancé had a similar one.

What I can tell you is that there are lots of great women and men out there. I'm sure there are a number of friends in your circle who "love you just as you are" As you continue to recover and surround yourself with well adjusted and "normal" people, I'm confident that your circle of people who love you as you are will continue to grow and grow.

I cannot speak for others on the forum. I will say that I have felt like everyone here loves me just as I am. Broken, healing, recovering, learning. They accept me and others immediately.

I wish you the best on your journey. Your story as a strong independent woman is only just beginning. Hopefully you can be excited for all the opportunities that lie in front of you.

Virtual hugs aren't as good as the real thing but it's all I can offer you.
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Old 05-06-2017, 12:19 AM
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Hi, fts--I just saw dandy's request for this to be posted on your thread. May it bring you some hope and some strength.

There is a Unitarian Universalist church near me that I sometimes attend. I heard this song performed there and loved it, had to come home, find it on YouTube and save it for my future use!



There is an article here
Kintsugi, Centuries Old Japanese Method of Repairing Pottery with Gold
about this topic, the mending of broken items w/gold. It's all interesting, but the most pertinent part is this, I think:

...the practice is related to the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi, which calls for seeing beauty in the flawed or imperfect. The repair method was also born from the Japanese feeling of mottainai, which expresses regret when something is wasted, as well as mushin, the acceptance of change.

I'm sorry for the hellish childhood you experienced. My stepfather was an abusive person and my mother is an ACOA who never sought help. My 6 siblings and I are all marked by the way we grew up. It took me till I was in my 40s to start really addressing all that was wrong and damaging in my early life. Like you, I had run to any man who seemed like he could protect me and "fix" me, with XAH being the last one.

It is only recently (I am 56) that I've been able to see how to use what I learned and what I experienced in a manner that helps me move ahead rather than keeping me stuck in the swamp of the past.

I'm finally beginning to learn to put the broken pieces back together and to glue them in place with gold. I know that you can do this, too, fts.
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Old 05-06-2017, 06:19 AM
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May today bring you sunshine. We are alot alike including the emotional abuse and starving, I was eating dog treats, as a child. That is in the past. I know I can take care of myself and my children.
I think this new life will come in stages.
Acceptance that this is reality, check.
Focusing on the children and yourself.
Finding fun times, hobbies, children's connections and friends along the way.
Building trust with others (not x) will be very slow and difficult process. I think I am worth it. I will not trust others to be worth it for a long time. They must be special enough to understand the hurt I've had to deal with. Except, until we've dealt with that hurt we won't be able to let other's in. It's okay to feel those emotions and work through them, even as we sit on a park bench. May you have happier days at the park.
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Old 05-06-2017, 07:50 AM
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You've come so far in all of this Free, SO far. IMO you can't get to the next stage of your healing while you are with your abusive husband..... you still have to put far too much energy into that constant vigilance needed to survive in this kind of relationship. You need more time alone to work through the rest, without his influence.....because man free, you're RIGHT THERE, standing at that next doorway of your healing & you want so badly to just keep going.

You've come so far in your self acceptance but now you need that self-love/self-trust part - the part that would directly threaten the balance in your relationship..... which is maybe why you are feeling the anger.

And I'm kind of happy to hear your anger because it might be the fuel you need to carry you through these next stages. Just remember that you can & will have all those things in life & in a partner - but not with THIS partner because he has proven again & again that isn't his primary concern. The longer you are playing *this* game with him, the longer you wait for the right things to come into your life too - you've got to make room for what you want, right?

Don't give up Free - my money's on you.
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Old 05-06-2017, 09:07 AM
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^^^^^^true^^^^^
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Old 05-06-2017, 02:05 PM
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and smile, I will :)
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Check in for today.
Doing better! Feel stronger.
"The sun is shining! The tank is clean! " (my one of my favorite movies Finding Nemo)

I'm hitting the books hard today. AH is out riding his bike. I guess the exercise really helps him. Terrific!! *eyeroll*
at least I've got the peace and quiet. Won't complain about that one dang bit.

So, all is well today. And that is good enough for me.
Had my little "meltdown" last night and was really moved by the responses I saw this morning and late last night, so I really appreciate that. It's great to come here. It really is.
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Old 05-08-2017, 04:22 AM
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Yes, it is ******** that every cruel behavior is blamed on drinking, and some stuff is just cruel!

If anyone reading this thinks that they will ultimately be satisfied by the "amends" process, I'd say that's 5% of us.

There is drunken misbehavior and there is ******* behavior. It's not all one and the same...

I've had horrible things spoken to me by angry men already deep in recovery.

We are only victimized when we open to hold hurt! Our work is to grow strong & to trust ourselves! There are drunken assholes & sober assholes! Male hurters & female hurters. We just need to build community & trust our instincts! Sobriety does not automatically make people kind.

Some people just aren't kind. And many people are! And sometimes we reduce everything to alcoholism or addiction, but that is as much a coping mechanism as anything...

It is all so much more complicated than that...
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Old 05-08-2017, 04:57 AM
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Fts,
You are looking for someone to love you. Hon, you need to take the time, without someone, and learn to love yourself. To accept you, and love you. Being "alone", is healthy for us after a disfunctional life/marriage.

Thirty four years with axh, and I am still recognizing how crazy I was, 2 1/2 years later. I did not want to give myself to someone before I spent time alone. My dog died in August, and I always had a dog. I still have not gotten another one. I need to step back from life and get my shxt together. I am glad I did it. I needed to just take care of me and only me. It's ok, not to be "loved".

Don't rush into another relationship before you take this time to regroup. Healing takes time, it does not happen over night. Hugs my friend, you are not alone.
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Old 05-08-2017, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by freetosmile2 View Post
Check in for today.
Doing better! Feel stronger.
"The sun is shining! The tank is clean! " (my one of my favorite movies Finding Nemo)

I'm hitting the books hard today. AH is out riding his bike. I guess the exercise really helps him. Terrific!! *eyeroll*
at least I've got the peace and quiet. Won't complain about that one dang bit.

So, all is well today. And that is good enough for me.
Had my little "meltdown" last night and was really moved by the responses I saw this morning and late last night, so I really appreciate that. It's great to come here. It really is.
Hope you are having another "better" day.

Keep posting whether it is in meltdown mode or not.
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Old 05-08-2017, 09:45 AM
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Free, you are worth all of that. It's just that he does not deserve you.

He has put you through hell and back. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Hugs.
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Old 05-08-2017, 05:24 PM
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Thank you for articulating your "meltdown" so well. It was healing for me, I'm really sorry for what you've been through, reading it resonated deeply within me. It's like you were writing my very thoughts. I admire your strength.
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