Originally Posted by freetosmile2

Thank you rae,
But I've spent many years picking out my faults... I'm fed up with it. Of course I'm responsible for me. I always have been.

Sure, i guess i should have left a long time ago. I certainly know that.
I think, and this is one of the things I've discussed with my therapist on numerous occasions, I never really knew any better.

That's not an excuse..it's reality. My dad was an alcoholic but he was schizophrenic and used the alcohol to deal the best way he knew how. Mom took us away from him. He, even in the depths of his schizophrenia, wrote us a letter every week telling us how much he loved and missed us. He was so loving and so kind. He fed us. He sang to us...i really loved my dad.

My mom was a true abuser. I spent a majority of my childhood literally starving. Hard to think that happens in america, but I can assure you, it does. Favorite word for me was "parasite "...oh the terms of endearment.

Mom wouldn't take me to school when we moved to Nebraska...said it was too much in gas. Still no food... i was eating cans of corn.

So...free found an older guy. Yep, this dude had it ALL...oh and when i say all..to a 14 year old, that meant FOOD. I'm not joking when I say I was starving.
Of course food came with a price. And before long, free was pregnant...
This relationship was about as loving as my mother.

So, I guess I'm done finding out where MY responsibility is in all this. I was force fed a sh *t sandwich from the get.

Now, I'm an educated woman. I worked my ass off for it. I'm strong. I've been strong for too damn long. I've listened and listened to all the crap everyone says is MY responsibility and I've tried to really reflect on that. Change anyway I could to get SOMEONE, ANYONE to just effing LOVE me.
I never threw myself pity parties..because i didn't even know i was being mistreated. I just didn't even get it.

I've come a long way. I've tried and I haven't given up.

Yes. I've hung on for too long. But the light is very close now and I'm reaching the end of the tunnel.
I'm responsible for myself. My happiness. My peace.

But..damn... in all reality..... so was my mom. So were all the adults in my life that turned the other way even when they KNEW what was going on. And..yes, I'm an adult now. Only me can make me happy.... but sometimes... just sometimes... it would be nice just to be held and squeezed tight. To be told, i love you JUST the way you are, broken and all. And to actually have that person MEAN it. That would also "make"me very happy. I've NEVER had it before.
Sorry for typos, I'm on my phone.