Freetosmile.....what you want is natural to want. You are a young human woman....why wouldn't you want that....
I am reminded of the phrase from the song..."The Rose" by Bette Midler.....
....."Love isn't just for the lucky and the bold"......
I think that we all yearn to be "seen" and "heard"....to know that we are important and that our feelings and ideas and needs matter. That WE matter...
Intimate relationship seems to be a need of human beings (I'm not just talking about sex), and a big part of it is to know that we are cherished by another...that we are safe with another...that is safe to expose ourselves to the other and show our tender, vulnerable, underbelly....and have it treated with RESPECT....not just sometimes, or most of the time...but All of the time...without question....
That does exist, in this world, Freetosmile. It does. I didn't find it with my first husband...(I lived a very sheltered life, growing up...(long story)....but, I did find it, later....
You world has been very small, in some ways...such that you haven't gotten to see and experience what normal, non abusive relationships are like.
Just know that what you want is normal/natural....and that you are normal enough to want it.....
Of course you are angry....why wouldn't you be...anger is a natural reaction to being hurt...you are entitled to feel anger to those who have walked on you...
You are entitled to ask the unanswerable and rhetorical questions....I consider it a natural and predictable part of Coming Into the Light....a part of grieving and processing your experience, thus far....
You are going to make it, girl, as long as you keep looking in the forward direction....
You may have been cracked. by others (lol..don't take that the wrong way)..but, you are not all the way broken...
Ms. honeypig has a lovely deal about Chinese cups (with cracks)....I will ask her to post it for you, in case she doesn't see this post....it reminds me of you....
I am so glad that you came back to SR...because you so need to be talking to the people who understand what you are going through, beyond mere words....