Originally Posted by
PhoenixJ 
I know people who- after 15 years of being sober- drank. They report that it was like the day after the last rock bottom they had- but 1 day worse. Time means very little. My own experiences with relapse agree with this. In fact -worse also means heavier drinking, more falls/black outs/damage/lies/cheating/stealing- whatever. Addiction takes no prisoners. Addiction is an obsessed lover that requires the victim's entire devotion. Ignoring this lover is not tolerated- even to the point of death. It is not rational- so cannot be defined by rational thought. Be it chemical, genetic, a disease- allergy, intolerance or disorder- who cares? For me- it just is. I can theorise, define, rationalise away my behaviours. It does not make any difference- I CANNOT DRINK. Therefore it is far, far more important to firmly fix in my mind's eye- this inevitable FACT. The why's then need to be tackled. For example- I have seen in the recovery program I am in - an army of counsellors. I keep in regular touch with my doc- and see a psychologist. The general consensus is- great you are not drinking. That is not so important as now- to WHY. They all say that- accept no booze, stabilise- then work on myself. Some even thought the booze was immaterial (I do not agree).
Addiction sucks. Relapses get worse. I cannot drink. Just is.
It's so very accurate what you are saying and im only starting to realise that my approach has been backwards. After posting here I started reading many threads on AVRT (which I just made a post about as im still trying to learn and understand how I can make it work for me) and its made me realise clear as day that attempting to explain and understand the illogical and irrational is pretty much a lost cause. I was agonising myself trying to understand why instead of just accepting that it IS. I was stuck in the mind frame that if I knew the motives behind my actions then I could prevent them in future circumstances and when I was unable to find no motives it started driving me crazy.
Im so glad I came here and posted because I would have continued on thinking in this destructive way and never considering to just accept that there is no reason, that it just IS.
I realise i first need to change my approach to recovery in the way you said, that first and foremost I need to fix the thought into my head that I CANNOT USE. It seems simple now but i guess I never really told myself that or firlmy secured that fact into my head. I was more fixated on figuring out why I use which was always going to be a long road to understand and which in a way still left the window of use open in my mind.
I feel my eyes have been opened. I feel it should have been the obvious first thing to tell myself yet I never consciously and firmly planted in my head that any use of cocaine was not to happen. This is what is so great about these forums. I've also been to so much therapy etc and this simple idea has never been suggested yet seems so obvious as the first step. The advice you get from others who have overcome their own demons is invaluable and this forum has made me feel determined and strong again to just say NO when i was feeling so useless and low..
thank you so much