day 95 here. not sure when, but i think my last update was 2 days off, 95 is now correct. that said, if it werent for my clean time app i dont think i could be bothered counting days anymore. i took my 90 day fob the other day, felt good.....next one is 6 months and it seems not only possible, but probable.
i am really sinking in to recovery well these days. i really did not expect any of this when i cleaned up this time. i was very unhappy, very sick, very desperate and had no expectations. i went to detox with very little hope. if you had described my life as it is now to the "me" of 95 days ago i would have laughed at you.
thing is, everything isn't technically "good", but even the bad stuff seems so much better than the best days drinking. i have a growing social circle, some of which now consider friends. i get out often and i am far more active. i find myself very busy lately. be it work, social life or personal life it seems every day is pretty much non-stop. i am tired and i am sure at some point i will find some kind of equilibrium, but as it is i am actually pretty grateful for all the activity in my life right now. compared to my rather monotonous drinking days it is hard to imagine how much has changed. i think a big part of it is realizing how capable i am today.
one thing that has come up though is a potential relationship. to be clear i had no intention of seeking a relationship or even dating going in to this sobriety. we met a couple months ago and have about the same clean time. until last week we have kept everything to a friendship level. i have had previous clean time and so has she, we have both been around the rooms of NA(and AA) long enough to know all the advice on relationships early in recovery(basically, dont do it). i certainly understand the reasoning and by no means think we are unique.
we confronted things last week and we both feel the same way, both of us have never felt this way about another before. i have certainly never felt a connection like this before, clean or not. at this point we are both very happy to have confirmed our feelings for each other but starting an actual relationship is on hold. at least for a little while. we both want our sobriety to be first.
i dunno, it is all very confusing. like i said, i absolutely did not expect this at all. i was not seeking it. but it happened and i cant deny what feel. i know i have to be very careful going forward. deep down i think this has the potential of being something pretty amazing, so i really dont want it to slip away either(neither does she).