GG38

Hello. I’ve come here for some support and kind words to help me move from my situation. About a year ago I started talking online with a man I met that lived near me. 38, worked in construction, down to earth. From Georgia. There are a lot of details but I will try to keep it short. We met and dated and hit it off really fast. The short of it is, he never would admit it but he was addicted to drugs pretty badly and I was really clueless to it because I’ve never been around drugs before. Well, nothing beyond marijuana and alcohol. We fell for each other (or so he said and I felt it was genuine – he said it first and all the time). I met his family and even spent the holidays with them, which was also the last time I saw him. While we dated, he was taking suboxone and fed me this story that he pretended to be addicted to opiates to get it to “help his stomach.” He said stomach problems ran in the family. Of course his mother didn’t know about this. The entire time I dated him from June through December, he was throwing up almost daily. I would assume these are withdrawals and to me appears he wasn’t really using the suboxone to stop doing opiates. I snooped through his room at one point and found a bunch of pill bottles with other people’s names on them. Everytime something happened, I just didn’t want to believe it. I never got a cheating gut feeling, so I couldn’t pin down what exactly was going on. I’ve never been around this stuff before. He also mentioned at one time that he had done cocaine before and wanted to go to Miami to buy some. He seemed very serious but I wasn’t sure what to think at the time. We never did go but I believe he blew me off one weekend to do that. Another note, his roommate told me before I came along, there had been no other women and every weekend he would go in his room and shut the door and not come out all weekend…in spite of the fact that he was an outgoing person. His roommate thought that was very suspicious.


After we had been dating a few months, he presented to me that he doesn’t answer people’s text messages and phone calls. “See what I do?” he said gritting his teeth. He showed me a string of messages from his mother that he hadn’t been answering. And then some from a close male friend from his hometown. I wondered, “Gee when will he do that to me?” When I met his mother, she was puzzled and seemed upset at our arrival. Apparently he hadn’t been speaking to her for a while. His father was on the phone with her and said to his mother to tell him to “Pick up the phone and call him for a change.” “Yes sir,” he said. He told me that he hadn’t been speaking to a bunch of people and was even angry about a friend’s child asking “When is uncle *Bill* coming back?” I saw the number of “new” messages on his phone and it was 255…from where he was ignoring people.


At one point during our relationship, if that is what you want to call it – he quit speaking to me for several weeks. His mother told me it was depression and she had been dealing with it for years. She didn’t know if he sometimes was alive or dead. She had said he had had a problem with Xanax at one point. I told her about the suboxone. On top of that, he drank heavily and smoked cigarettes constantly. I bought the depression excuse as I didn’t know what else to think, still not realizing there was a drug problem. He sent messages like “I’m sorry you are the person who found me on that site.” “I need to learn to love myself.” “I’m sorry I let you down.” He did confess to me at the end of this that he had depression and had been dealing with it for years. He had seen several therapists and thought they were all stupid. That he didn’t tell them “everything” because some things are none of their business. By the holidays he came back around and things got back to normal. He was happy again. Was saying I love you and I want to marry you someday and have kids. (He had been saying that before as well.) Before Christmas he moved back to Georgia to be closer to his parents and got a new job. He thought that would help make him be happier. He was writing me regularly and very excited about Christmas. He was very happy for several weeks but then at Christmas itself seemed different again. Sitting on the recliner sleeping until 7:30 PM ALL Day Christmas Day and avoiding everyone. I remember his mother staring at him in what seemed to be resentment in hindsight. She told me later that she thought I was way too patient and didn’t know why I put up with that. (Well you raised him??!) He claimed to have a sore throat and feel sick…something he hadn’t mentioned until then even though I had been with him all day the previous day. Christmas was okay but not that great. No sex which would happen often when he was “sick.” He bought me a great gift and talked about visiting me but seemed distant.


The following weeks we had been keeping in touch. But as usual his messages were sporadic and he didn’t always answer. That is something he did throughout the relationship which I now know he did when he was either “asleep” for crazy long amounts of time or during his “depression” period. I got drunk one night and was upset that he hadn’t written and brought it up. And boom…he quit speaking to me. I finally asked too many questions I suppose. The last I heard from him was in February out of the blue. “Going to dinner with the bosses. Will text you later.” I wrote, “Was that meant for me?” “Yes” he said. He never called or wrote and I knew he wouldn’t. He was always flaky about calling when he said he would.


I should be happy I dodged a bullet. But instead I’ve been depressed for months. It’s not like he was a good friend or boyfriend. He lied about not answering messages a lot. He was hiding a drug problem. He was very unreliable. You couldn’t even eat dinners with him because he wouldn’t eat them. His mother told me at Christmas when he sat in the restaurant to eat dinner with everyone because I was there, she was floored. She said he hasn’t eaten dinner with them in a restaurant in years. I guess I got attached and really loved him. I can understand addicts who disappear that don’t have jobs, but this one works in a leadership position at his construction company and seemed to keep going to work during his “disappearance.” He did miss work a lot but I’m sure he didn’t not go to work for several weeks. I did feel that it had nothing to do with losing interest and he was genuine about that. But I do think I was manipulated. During this “depression” I know he was talking to other people just as he had been talking to me and avoiding others in the beginning.


I think I wouldn’t have taken it so hard if he hadn’t just quit speaking to me. His mother told me I was the longest girlfriend he’s ever had that they know of. (Though he tried to tell me different long ago and I didn’t really buy it.) She also said she wished she had taken him to a psychiatrist years ago. That everyone male and female always leaves his life and moves on. I still think of him every day. I hate it. Anyone have words of wisdom to beat into me? Tell me your stories? Advice? Help me understand or come to terms and move on. I’ve beat myself up for not knowing what was going on sooner. I’ve read that addicts cut people off like that. I just don’t understand it. I think I would have been happier to be told “Screw you, you stink.” His family was so great too and I really bonded with them. It’s hurt me very badly. Can some of you help me move on? I would greatly appreciate it.