Need Help to Move on

Old 05-01-2017, 05:24 PM
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Need Help to Move on

Hello. I’ve come here for some support and kind words to help me move from my situation. About a year ago I started talking online with a man I met that lived near me. 38, worked in construction, down to earth. From Georgia. There are a lot of details but I will try to keep it short. We met and dated and hit it off really fast. The short of it is, he never would admit it but he was addicted to drugs pretty badly and I was really clueless to it because I’ve never been around drugs before. Well, nothing beyond marijuana and alcohol. We fell for each other (or so he said and I felt it was genuine – he said it first and all the time). I met his family and even spent the holidays with them, which was also the last time I saw him. While we dated, he was taking suboxone and fed me this story that he pretended to be addicted to opiates to get it to “help his stomach.” He said stomach problems ran in the family. Of course his mother didn’t know about this. The entire time I dated him from June through December, he was throwing up almost daily. I would assume these are withdrawals and to me appears he wasn’t really using the suboxone to stop doing opiates. I snooped through his room at one point and found a bunch of pill bottles with other people’s names on them. Everytime something happened, I just didn’t want to believe it. I never got a cheating gut feeling, so I couldn’t pin down what exactly was going on. I’ve never been around this stuff before. He also mentioned at one time that he had done cocaine before and wanted to go to Miami to buy some. He seemed very serious but I wasn’t sure what to think at the time. We never did go but I believe he blew me off one weekend to do that. Another note, his roommate told me before I came along, there had been no other women and every weekend he would go in his room and shut the door and not come out all weekend…in spite of the fact that he was an outgoing person. His roommate thought that was very suspicious.


After we had been dating a few months, he presented to me that he doesn’t answer people’s text messages and phone calls. “See what I do?” he said gritting his teeth. He showed me a string of messages from his mother that he hadn’t been answering. And then some from a close male friend from his hometown. I wondered, “Gee when will he do that to me?” When I met his mother, she was puzzled and seemed upset at our arrival. Apparently he hadn’t been speaking to her for a while. His father was on the phone with her and said to his mother to tell him to “Pick up the phone and call him for a change.” “Yes sir,” he said. He told me that he hadn’t been speaking to a bunch of people and was even angry about a friend’s child asking “When is uncle *Bill* coming back?” I saw the number of “new” messages on his phone and it was 255…from where he was ignoring people.


At one point during our relationship, if that is what you want to call it – he quit speaking to me for several weeks. His mother told me it was depression and she had been dealing with it for years. She didn’t know if he sometimes was alive or dead. She had said he had had a problem with Xanax at one point. I told her about the suboxone. On top of that, he drank heavily and smoked cigarettes constantly. I bought the depression excuse as I didn’t know what else to think, still not realizing there was a drug problem. He sent messages like “I’m sorry you are the person who found me on that site.” “I need to learn to love myself.” “I’m sorry I let you down.” He did confess to me at the end of this that he had depression and had been dealing with it for years. He had seen several therapists and thought they were all stupid. That he didn’t tell them “everything” because some things are none of their business. By the holidays he came back around and things got back to normal. He was happy again. Was saying I love you and I want to marry you someday and have kids. (He had been saying that before as well.) Before Christmas he moved back to Georgia to be closer to his parents and got a new job. He thought that would help make him be happier. He was writing me regularly and very excited about Christmas. He was very happy for several weeks but then at Christmas itself seemed different again. Sitting on the recliner sleeping until 7:30 PM ALL Day Christmas Day and avoiding everyone. I remember his mother staring at him in what seemed to be resentment in hindsight. She told me later that she thought I was way too patient and didn’t know why I put up with that. (Well you raised him??!) He claimed to have a sore throat and feel sick…something he hadn’t mentioned until then even though I had been with him all day the previous day. Christmas was okay but not that great. No sex which would happen often when he was “sick.” He bought me a great gift and talked about visiting me but seemed distant.


The following weeks we had been keeping in touch. But as usual his messages were sporadic and he didn’t always answer. That is something he did throughout the relationship which I now know he did when he was either “asleep” for crazy long amounts of time or during his “depression” period. I got drunk one night and was upset that he hadn’t written and brought it up. And boom…he quit speaking to me. I finally asked too many questions I suppose. The last I heard from him was in February out of the blue. “Going to dinner with the bosses. Will text you later.” I wrote, “Was that meant for me?” “Yes” he said. He never called or wrote and I knew he wouldn’t. He was always flaky about calling when he said he would.


I should be happy I dodged a bullet. But instead I’ve been depressed for months. It’s not like he was a good friend or boyfriend. He lied about not answering messages a lot. He was hiding a drug problem. He was very unreliable. You couldn’t even eat dinners with him because he wouldn’t eat them. His mother told me at Christmas when he sat in the restaurant to eat dinner with everyone because I was there, she was floored. She said he hasn’t eaten dinner with them in a restaurant in years. I guess I got attached and really loved him. I can understand addicts who disappear that don’t have jobs, but this one works in a leadership position at his construction company and seemed to keep going to work during his “disappearance.” He did miss work a lot but I’m sure he didn’t not go to work for several weeks. I did feel that it had nothing to do with losing interest and he was genuine about that. But I do think I was manipulated. During this “depression” I know he was talking to other people just as he had been talking to me and avoiding others in the beginning.


I think I wouldn’t have taken it so hard if he hadn’t just quit speaking to me. His mother told me I was the longest girlfriend he’s ever had that they know of. (Though he tried to tell me different long ago and I didn’t really buy it.) She also said she wished she had taken him to a psychiatrist years ago. That everyone male and female always leaves his life and moves on. I still think of him every day. I hate it. Anyone have words of wisdom to beat into me? Tell me your stories? Advice? Help me understand or come to terms and move on. I’ve beat myself up for not knowing what was going on sooner. I’ve read that addicts cut people off like that. I just don’t understand it. I think I would have been happier to be told “Screw you, you stink.” His family was so great too and I really bonded with them. It’s hurt me very badly. Can some of you help me move on? I would greatly appreciate it.

Last edited by GG38; 05-01-2017 at 05:27 PM. Reason: bad formatting
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Old 05-02-2017, 04:01 AM
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You can blame his behavior on him being an addict, but it doesn't really matter. Since you can't do the first thing about him being an addict, you have to accept him as he is.

You are worth more than that. So much more. You can love him all you like, but it won't make a difference. This is who he is and this is what being involved with him feels like. Love shouldn't hurt like that. Your feelings are just as important as your partner's in a real relationship. His feelings, his disrespectful behavior do not trump your right to be happy. He was and is apparently in a place where he cannot be a partner. He cannot care about your feelings. He is a broken person. You will get over him in time and find someone who can value you. It doesn't sound to me like he values anyone. He's too far up his own behind to care about anyone else's feelings. That is not something that you need in your life. You deserve better. Matter of fact, screw him for being such a jerk to you and his family! Get indignant about it...that might help. You will be much better off without him and his drama.
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Old 05-02-2017, 04:47 AM
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My son has "cut me off" apparently. I haven't spoken with him in over 2 mos. Long story short, I'm angry with him. I hold onto that. It helps. a TON! I love my son, but I love me too. I cannot believe how much lighter I feel. I'm not on that rollercoaster anymore. I'm becoming more mindful of my environment and starting to appreciate the positives in my life. I get sad, but I don't unpack and move in there.....I have thoughts about him every day, but I set them aside, as there is nothing I can do. It's bittersweet that this is what has brought me peace. I'm learning how to live my own life. You are young, and have soooooooooooooooo much more ahead of you. Just breathe, and take one day at a time. I started seeing a counselor months ago, and it's helped me immensely. Keep posting. There is a ton of support on this site. My life is not perfect, but the positive things in my life are very very good.
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Old 05-02-2017, 06:40 AM
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Grief takes time. Emotional wounds heal- but will leave scars. Counselling/support is good- NA?
Empathy and support to you.
Addiction has many lovers. There can be no one else in the life of an active addicted person- unless they put in very hard work.
Keep posting.
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Old 05-02-2017, 06:52 AM
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Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, and I'm sorry that you're suffering so.

So, how do you move on? The answer is, at once, easy and difficult.

The first thing you have to do is decide that you're done, and you have to hold firm to that decision. And that's going to be difficult. You're still going to think about him. You're still going to miss him. You'll be tempted to reach out to him. But if you do, you need to understand that you're setting yourself back. If there's one thing I've learned about moving on from an addict, it's that there are times in this life where we're going to emotionally suffer. And we have to ride it out. Some days are easier than others. What's important, though, is that even if you don't feel like it, you need to go through the day-to-day motions in your life.

If you do this, one good day turns into two good days. Then two good days turns into three good days. Occasionally, you'll have a bad day. The deal that you have to cut with yourself is to accept that's how you feel at that moment on that day, and just because you feel that today doesn't mean you'll feel that tomorrow.

Anyways...about seven months after I broke up with my then AGF, I posted this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...up-addict.html

Read it. See if any of it resonates with you. Keep posting, keep reaching out, and keep pushing forward. You'll get through this, in time.
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Old 05-02-2017, 07:26 AM
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I'm bookmarking that one for myself. I have a feeling it will come in handy sooner rather than later.
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Old 05-02-2017, 08:36 AM
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I think it’s in what you said……

I should be happy I dodged a bullet. But instead I’ve been depressed for months. It’s not like he was a good friend or boyfriend. He lied about not answering messages a lot. He was hiding a drug problem. He was very unreliable.

I guess I got attached and really loved him.

His family was so great too and I really bonded with them. It’s hurt me very badly.
You clearly see that you dodged a bullet, you clearly see he lied to you and you even state he was not a good boyfriend or even a friend…………..so what’s the hook that has you unable to let go? That’s the question that you need to answer in order to set yourself free.

His roommate told you that before you came along there were no other woman and his mother told you that you were the longest girlfriend he’d ever had………do you think that made you feel very special and significant to him?

When you found prescription medication with other people names on it you said you didn’t want to believe it even though you saw the evidence………….did you feel that if you confronted him on it that the relationship would immediately be over?

Discovering what the hook is will help you begin to set this relationship free and not make similar mistakes in the future.

Did you want a BF so badly that you closed your eyes to obvious red flags?

Did you want that great kind of a relationship with a BF’s family?

Did you think you could help him, fix him and support him through all of his issues?

What about your family, is there alcoholism/addiction? Do you all get along?

What exactly are you holding onto about this guy? Tell us what was so great and loving that has you still hooked and unable to let go months and months after it ended?
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Old 05-03-2017, 12:10 PM
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It sounds like he could have chronic depression which can rear its ugly head and that is very challenging for everyone. But I believe drug abuse contributes to depression or at least makes it much worse. This may seem like it gets old, but you DO deserve better. Let him go and live your life to the fullest. He is a weight hanging around your neck, dragging you down.
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Old 05-03-2017, 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ View Post
Grief takes time. Emotional wounds heal- but will leave scars. Counselling/support is good- NA?
Empathy and support to you.
Addiction has many lovers. There can be no one else in the life of an active addicted person- unless they put in very hard work.
Keep posting.
Thanks. I tried to go to an NA meeting but the area I live in is a little small. There was only one car in the parking lot and I chose not to go in. Maybe I should drive to a nearby city some evening for one.

I think I will just have to grieve and get over this with time. I feel a little traumatized by it.
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Old 05-03-2017, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Whitewingeddove View Post
My son has "cut me off" apparently. I haven't spoken with him in over 2 mos. Long story short, I'm angry with him. I hold onto that. It helps. a TON! I love my son, but I love me too. I cannot believe how much lighter I feel. I'm not on that rollercoaster anymore. I'm becoming more mindful of my environment and starting to appreciate the positives in my life. I get sad, but I don't unpack and move in there.....I have thoughts about him every day, but I set them aside, as there is nothing I can do. It's bittersweet that this is what has brought me peace. I'm learning how to live my own life. You are young, and have soooooooooooooooo much more ahead of you. Just breathe, and take one day at a time. I started seeing a counselor months ago, and it's helped me immensely. Keep posting. There is a ton of support on this site. My life is not perfect, but the positive things in my life are very very good.
I've read that addicts will cut people out. Does your son do that with other people as well? I'm still at a loss for him doing this to me.

When he did this previously, we had had one of the best nights we had had in a long time. Laughing and joking around and I was helping him with his resume. Very loving and sweet all evening and all night. Then BOOM. Silence. That one had nothing to do with me asking too many questions or calling him out on things or anything between us. I was worried sick. That was when I got a hold of his family and he wouldn't take any of our calls. He quit speaking to his mother the same day as me. When a non-working addict does that and uses and disappears that makes sense to me. But he continued to go to work. It's possible he took off work for a week or so but this silence lasted for several weeks. No way he would have not gone to work that long, he would have been fired.

I had already told myself if he ever did that again, I would have to move on. I knew I couldn't live like that. He didn't even seem to care about how worried we all were.
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Old 05-03-2017, 05:34 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, and I'm sorry that you're suffering so.

So, how do you move on? The answer is, at once, easy and difficult.

The first thing you have to do is decide that you're done, and you have to hold firm to that decision. And that's going to be difficult. You're still going to think about him. You're still going to miss him. You'll be tempted to reach out to him. But if you do, you need to understand that you're setting yourself back. If there's one thing I've learned about moving on from an addict, it's that there are times in this life where we're going to emotionally suffer. And we have to ride it out. Some days are easier than others. What's important, though, is that even if you don't feel like it, you need to go through the day-to-day motions in your life.

If you do this, one good day turns into two good days. Then two good days turns into three good days. Occasionally, you'll have a bad day. The deal that you have to cut with yourself is to accept that's how you feel at that moment on that day, and just because you feel that today doesn't mean you'll feel that tomorrow.

Anyways...about seven months after I broke up with my then AGF, I posted this:


Read it. See if any of it resonates with you. Keep posting, keep reaching out, and keep pushing forward. You'll get through this, in time.
Your post is really great. I'll have to keep reading it and using it to move forward.

Each week has been getting better. I'll have a couple of really good days and then tank for some reason. I know eventually I'll get there 100%.

I've gone through so many emotions. Another I have been having is feeling guilty for living my life. I don't know why - it's so stupid. I have always been kind of an active person and go out a lot. I've felt guilty anytime I do anything.

I've been trying to tell myself this person can't love you the way a person needs to be loved. Not only did he not care if I had anything to eat when we were together, he would act annoyed when I would ask us to go through a drive-thru after not eating ALL day and now it's 4:30 PM...because he's never hungry from being dope-sick or possibly high. Or I suspected he doesn't eat so his pills feel stronger when he takes them. Most boyfriends I had in the past wanted to take you out to lunch or breakfast or cook for you. They wanted to plan to do things together and call you just to see how your day was. I keep trying to tell myself he doesn't know how to love someone.
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Old 05-03-2017, 07:06 PM
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I think I would have been happier to be told “Screw you, you stink.”

oh i think his ACTIONS screamed that pretty loudly.

that is as close to addiction as you ever want to get again. write that down. observe the signs. you deserve better!
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