Getting rid of the monkey..
Hey guys. I'm obviously new. I'm just looking to hear that what I'm feeling is normal and looking for any advice.
I began using alcohol in social settings. It was fun. (Sound familiar?) But then, as a couple of years went by, I found myself in some stressful situations and used alcohol as a crutch. And now I'm stuck. Really stuck.
I've been trying to quit on and off for the last year. The farthest I've made it sober is two weeks. Anytime I have one night of drinking again, the entire cycle starts over. I'm realizing that my case is going to have to be a case of "all or nothing" when it comes to drinking, but I'm still really young (26) and have a hard time coming to terms with the thought of NEVER drinking again. That's 1 of the problems I have with sobriety. Here's the rest:
2. Withdrawal symptoms. I don't have DTs or anything, but I do have insomnia, anxiety, irritability, and I have waves of dizzy and nauseous every afternoon about the time that I would drink. Every time I "quit" I go through this crap all over again. I'm a mom of three and a full time student and the withdrawal is exhausting.
3. Triggers. I thought that only bad things could be triggers, but as it turns out... I could be having a freaking awesome day, great weather, great music on the radio... and "Man, this is a great day. I want a drink!" Sucks.
4. Alcohol is everywhere. It seems like every drinks it at least sometimes. It's on TV. It's on social media. It's on the radio. But not everyone has this problem I have. Why me?
5. I'm in a toxic environment and really am stuck for the time being. Alcohol is widely used and easily accessible. I want nothing more than to get far away but I can't.
6. And this is the hardest of all. I don't know how to deal with my emotions or socialize without alcohol anymore. I get angry and can't calm down. I feel anxious. I feel anti social and worry that people will think I dislike them (or think I'm stupid because I'm socially awkward) when really the problem is just that socializing while sober just physically drains me. Alcohol is my "screw it" button. Whenever I don't want to "feel" (until the morning anyway) it's there for me.
Why alcohol is a problem for me:
1. It's expensive
2. I feel like crap all the time
3. It's ruining my skin and causing self esteem and depression issues. Of course I'm not depressed WHILE I drink, but the next day I totally am.
3. I can't have just one drink, I start drinking in the evening and drink until I go to bed. I always say, "I'm only buying X amount- but then I'm always calling or sending people for more because I had enough to "wind me up" and now I can't get to sleep."
4. It's just unhealthy. My dad was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at age 49 from excessive alcohol abuse. His heart was functioning at 10%. Today, he's 51 and by grace (and lots of doctors and medicine) his heart is functioning at 90% BUT, after this experience with him I KNOW that I cannot continue to do this damage to my body without consequence at some point.
I regret drinking and feel disgusted every morning after I do. I don't even want to think about alcohol. But then, by the time the afternoon rolls around... I give in.
This has got to sound familiar to somebody!
Thanks for the help. <3