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Getting rid of the monkey..

Old 04-26-2017, 07:59 PM
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Getting rid of the monkey..

Hey guys. I'm obviously new. I'm just looking to hear that what I'm feeling is normal and looking for any advice.

I began using alcohol in social settings. It was fun. (Sound familiar?) But then, as a couple of years went by, I found myself in some stressful situations and used alcohol as a crutch. And now I'm stuck. Really stuck.

I've been trying to quit on and off for the last year. The farthest I've made it sober is two weeks. Anytime I have one night of drinking again, the entire cycle starts over. I'm realizing that my case is going to have to be a case of "all or nothing" when it comes to drinking, but I'm still really young (26) and have a hard time coming to terms with the thought of NEVER drinking again. That's 1 of the problems I have with sobriety. Here's the rest:
2. Withdrawal symptoms. I don't have DTs or anything, but I do have insomnia, anxiety, irritability, and I have waves of dizzy and nauseous every afternoon about the time that I would drink. Every time I "quit" I go through this crap all over again. I'm a mom of three and a full time student and the withdrawal is exhausting.
3. Triggers. I thought that only bad things could be triggers, but as it turns out... I could be having a freaking awesome day, great weather, great music on the radio... and "Man, this is a great day. I want a drink!" Sucks.
4. Alcohol is everywhere. It seems like every drinks it at least sometimes. It's on TV. It's on social media. It's on the radio. But not everyone has this problem I have. Why me?
5. I'm in a toxic environment and really am stuck for the time being. Alcohol is widely used and easily accessible. I want nothing more than to get far away but I can't.
6. And this is the hardest of all. I don't know how to deal with my emotions or socialize without alcohol anymore. I get angry and can't calm down. I feel anxious. I feel anti social and worry that people will think I dislike them (or think I'm stupid because I'm socially awkward) when really the problem is just that socializing while sober just physically drains me. Alcohol is my "screw it" button. Whenever I don't want to "feel" (until the morning anyway) it's there for me.

Why alcohol is a problem for me:
1. It's expensive
2. I feel like crap all the time
3. It's ruining my skin and causing self esteem and depression issues. Of course I'm not depressed WHILE I drink, but the next day I totally am.
3. I can't have just one drink, I start drinking in the evening and drink until I go to bed. I always say, "I'm only buying X amount- but then I'm always calling or sending people for more because I had enough to "wind me up" and now I can't get to sleep."
4. It's just unhealthy. My dad was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at age 49 from excessive alcohol abuse. His heart was functioning at 10%. Today, he's 51 and by grace (and lots of doctors and medicine) his heart is functioning at 90% BUT, after this experience with him I KNOW that I cannot continue to do this damage to my body without consequence at some point.

I regret drinking and feel disgusted every morning after I do. I don't even want to think about alcohol. But then, by the time the afternoon rolls around... I give in.

This has got to sound familiar to somebody!

Thanks for the help. <3
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:07 PM
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Welcome EP. Glad you are here. Yes that Sounds very familiar. I have been in and out of detox, hospitals, jail and AA for the last 8 years or so. I finally completely surrendered once and for all 26 days ago when I wound up dehydrated in the hospital after my last bender and now I go to almost 1 meeting a day. The meetings and working the steps have been working for me. Have you ever tried a meeting?
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:10 PM
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Sending good thoughts to you!

Two reasons I haven't tried a meeting. Time (Full time student, mom of three young kids, husband works full time and overtime often) AND anxiety. I know once I finally went I'd probably be okay, but I just can't seem to get myself into that first meeting.
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:12 PM
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Mainly I'd say time is the biggest issue. I don't have time for myself.
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:14 PM
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Try an online one first if you must to get a feel. Lots at www.intherooms.com. Feel free to add me as a friend on there. Same username.
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:15 PM
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ABSOLUTELY sounds familiar. My pattern of use was similar to yours. I made several attempts at quitting, would get a month sober here and there, but would always turn back to booze when the going got tough. My withdrawals were bad, too. Hospitalized twice with seizures trying to quit. Finally, I almost screwed up badly at work, a really good job that I've had for a long time and did not want to lose. I just gave up. Went to inpatient rehab last April, then a 6-week outpatient program. I just couldn't do it alone. Best thing I've ever done.
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:15 PM
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Dear Exhausted Pigeon,
Yes! Exactly! These feelings are totally familiar to me and are exactly my experience. I venture to say lots of others here feel or have felt the same thing. That is the comfort in posting here. None of us are alone. Here we find others who share our same journey.
Exhausted Pigeon, I am on finishing day 13 of sobriety. It has been very hard and still is, but i am also starting to feel a little bit better. I still think I could slip up any minute, but I find reading the posts and responding to some very helpful to get through.
You have come to join us on this journey so that is my suggestion for you. Read and post. You will find many who share your journey.
Also, it is awesome that you have recognized this at 26. I wish I had. As someone thirty years older, who has spent their life drinking, let me assure you that you are not missing anything if you never drink again. I.n fact,, what will happen is that your life will get better than you can ever imagine. If you keep drinking, you might end up like me...someone how looks back at her life and wishes she had woken up in her twenties and changed direction...someone who feels like she wasted her life on alcohol. You are blessed that you have a chance to not let this happen to you!
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:20 PM
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DesertDawg- thank you for your reply. I do not feel like I can do it alone either. But because I have so much responsibility I feel like I cannot go away for help although that's probably what I need.

And I feel like because I'm "functioning" nobody takes my problem seriously. I have enablers left and right. But nobody enabling me to get help.
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:26 PM
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Tertor, so thankful for your response. I'd like to encourage you to hang in there. I've been to day 13 before and it's SO hard to get there and you DON'T want to start over.

I'm sorry you can relate but I'm thankful that somebody understands. If that makes sense. I hope to be here for a while and maybe we can lean on each other.
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:34 PM
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You got it Exhausted Pigeon! We will lean on each other. Join the Class of April 2017 thread. That is for all of us who have started trying to quit drinking this April. I just joined last week. It is nice because there are a bunch of us walking the early days of this journey together.
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:40 PM
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SteveAlex- They have online ones??? NEVER knew! Thanks for sharing!
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:40 PM
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Tertor- awesome. I'm going to look for it now.
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:57 PM
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Hi there.

I'm 8 days into this journey (so still really early for me) but this forum has been a great place for me to start. I've just started reading 'Drinking: A Love Story' which so far is a great read on alcoholism from a woman's perspective. I'm also a mum of 2 little ones so a lot of what you said hit home for me. It's very difficult for me to get to an AA meeting, so at the moment I'm using this forum and doing other reading-but going it alone. I do like the idea of going to a meeting and connecting with others who can relate to me but haven't found a convenient time yet, between all other commitments.

Anyway, just wanted to say 'hi' and with you well with your recovery.
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Old 04-26-2017, 11:43 PM
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Old 04-27-2017, 04:46 AM
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Time2Shine- thanks for your reply. I like the idea of going and connecting with people too. But this will have to do for now, and so far, it's helpful.
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Old 04-27-2017, 06:11 AM
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Keep posting/sharing- it helps a lot. It does for me. Support to you.
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Old 04-27-2017, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by ExhaustedPigeon View Post
Sending good thoughts to you!

Two reasons I haven't tried a meeting. Time (Full time student, mom of three young kids, husband works full time and overtime often) AND anxiety. I know once I finally went I'd probably be okay, but I just can't seem to get myself into that first meeting.
took me every ounce of courage I had to overcome the fear of walking into my 1st meeting. going back got easier.
working the steps didn't get rid of the monkey, it killed the bastaad.
helped me learn about me, my emotions and feelings, and how to change.

after I was sober a while, I realized alcohol wasn't everywhere. it sure seemed like it early on, though.
it was just a matter of me having blinders on. took off the blinders and saw alcohol isn't everywhere.

years of drinking, I was going to have to go through some discomfort physically,mentally, and emotionally IF I wanted to recover.
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Old 04-27-2017, 06:37 AM
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Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:12 AM
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There are many roads to the same destination. AA, SMART, SR Forum and anything that you find assists in your sobriety. I, too, had issues at your age with alcohol. I then continued to have those issues well into my thirties. It is disheartening and troubling for sure.

I do not approach my sobriety (this time around) as if I will never drink again in my life. These thoughts, to me, make a statement internally that could set me up for failure. I approach the sans alcohol life like this:

I love myself and my life enough to stop damaging myself.
I am capable and deserving of a life with stability and self respect.
I want to have energy for my life and the things I love to do.
I want to give my work, home and relationships the BEST of myself.
I know what is meant for me and what is not meant for me.
I am deserving of a clear mind, heart and spirit.
I am empowered when not in the grips of active alcoholism.
I have a choice to suffer, a choice to thrive, a choice to drink or not. I choose to abstain from alcohol.

These statements that I tell myself have been very powerful.

You can do this and it doesnt have to be a bad thing. Abstaining from alcohol can be the most positive step you can make! You can do this!
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Old 04-27-2017, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by ExhaustedPigeon View Post
And I feel like because I'm "functioning" nobody takes my problem seriously. I have enablers left and right. But nobody enabling me to get help.
That's a very good point, EP. When I was trying to get into rehab, I basically had to beg and plead to be admitted; because like you I was still functioning relatively well (on the outside), they kept trying to tell me to go to outpatient treatment (which MAY have helped, but I'm not sure). And when I was in, my insurance company would only pay for the first 22 days because, according to them, inpatient was no longer needed because I was functioning so well, and I had to pay for the remaining 8 days out of my pocket. Basically, the clock was ticking as soon as I got into inpatient because I hadn't YET flushed my whole life down the toilet. But that's not because my problem wasn't bad; it was because, like you EP, I was still fighting hard to keep things together. With that said, if you really can't go away, an outpatient (IOP) program may be helpful. At the very least, it will give you some accountability, which can make a difference.
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