Overwhelmed and defeated
Hello all. This is my first post here, so please forgive me if I do anything that breaks any rules.
I am a heroin addict. I have had 1 to 1.5 year stints of sobriety, but each time I acquire that much time it's in long term residential treatment. My last relapse was in December of 2016, and I've been using off and on ever since. I guess I feel like I'm institutionalized and I won't ever be able to stay sober unless I'm in a treatment facility.
After that last relapse I lost my job and my place to live. Only very recently did I get a new job and I just got my own apartment. I am about to start another job that pays better and has more opportunities for growth, and I'm very grateful for these things. But I feel like it's all about to fall apart.
I can't stop using. I am about to lose my job as a cashier because I have to call out so often due to withdrawal, and when I do make it to work I'm working at half productivity because I feel so crappy. I have very little money, and I'm worried about how my bills are going to get paid.
Currently I have 3 days clean, but I feel so overwhelmed. I know this is normal, but it feels utterly crushing right now. I can't believe I'm in this position again. I feel like such a piece of crap because my family thinks I'm doing ok and they are so proud of me.
I know that I need to connect with my AA (I choose to attend AA here rather than NA) support group, but right at this second I feel so ashamed because none of them really know the extent of this either.
Sorry, I know I'm rambling. I guess I'm just looking for words of encouragement, or any tips anyone has for getting through this hard time.
Thank you.