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Overwhelmed and defeated

Old 04-21-2017, 05:29 PM
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Overwhelmed and defeated

Hello all. This is my first post here, so please forgive me if I do anything that breaks any rules.

I am a heroin addict. I have had 1 to 1.5 year stints of sobriety, but each time I acquire that much time it's in long term residential treatment. My last relapse was in December of 2016, and I've been using off and on ever since. I guess I feel like I'm institutionalized and I won't ever be able to stay sober unless I'm in a treatment facility.

After that last relapse I lost my job and my place to live. Only very recently did I get a new job and I just got my own apartment. I am about to start another job that pays better and has more opportunities for growth, and I'm very grateful for these things. But I feel like it's all about to fall apart.

I can't stop using. I am about to lose my job as a cashier because I have to call out so often due to withdrawal, and when I do make it to work I'm working at half productivity because I feel so crappy. I have very little money, and I'm worried about how my bills are going to get paid.

Currently I have 3 days clean, but I feel so overwhelmed. I know this is normal, but it feels utterly crushing right now. I can't believe I'm in this position again. I feel like such a piece of crap because my family thinks I'm doing ok and they are so proud of me.

I know that I need to connect with my AA (I choose to attend AA here rather than NA) support group, but right at this second I feel so ashamed because none of them really know the extent of this either.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling. I guess I'm just looking for words of encouragement, or any tips anyone has for getting through this hard time.

Thank you.
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Old 04-21-2017, 05:37 PM
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Welcome to the family! I have no experience with heroin, I was a wino, but we have a lot of different forums here with lots of perspectives. We even have a substance abuse forum you may find helpful.

We're open all the time, so come in whenever you want, there will always be someone here.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed and defeated in early recovery. But it's just a feeling and doesn't have to become an action.
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Old 04-21-2017, 05:54 PM
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Welcome KittenMittens. I also have no experience with heroin addiction. However, 3 days clean sounds like a great start.

One foot in front of the other is what you need to do. Keep moving forward.

Shame is normal but there is really no need to feel ashamed about what is a serious affliction. Moreover, you are trying your best to do something about it. Ditch the shame. Be positive and proud about what you are achieving.

You have a support group, and if you feel a connection with them already, then I would really encourage you to go to a meeting and be as open and honest as you can. Addicts understand the terror, the guilt and the remorse. We have lived it in our various ways. This will give you more support to keep you moving forward and rebuilding your life.
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Old 04-21-2017, 05:55 PM
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Welcome!

I do understand how you are feeling overwhelmed right now. But, you are not defeated. You have 3 days of sobriety and you're here looking for support. Focus on getting through the day. And, keep posting.
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Old 04-21-2017, 05:57 PM
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Hi and welcome KM

don't let shame keep you from finding help.

You're in a fight for your life - find and use as much support as you can

D
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Old 04-21-2017, 06:00 PM
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Great to have you with us, KittenMittens. I'm an alcoholic. You never have to feel alone - we all know what it's like to learn to live without our drug of choice.

Congratulations on your 3 days clean. This can be the time you stay off it and continue to rebuild your life. We know you can do it.
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Old 04-21-2017, 06:00 PM
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Thanks for the replies you guys.

I'm doing this cold turkey with nothing but OTC meds and it's really hard. In medical detox they give you Suboxone or Methadone and knock you out for your detox.

I was able to get enough time off to just lock myself in my apartment and tough it out. That said, I'm still too sick to get to a meeting. But I'm going to call my sponsor and come clean to her.
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Old 04-21-2017, 06:11 PM
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I have a horrible habit of thinking that everything is going to fall apart right this second, when actually right now everything is ok. I might be sick, but I have a place to stay and a bed to sleep in. I'm definitely going to write a gratitude list tonight, and spend some time in prayer and meditation. I'll start my day off tomorrow with that as well. I have to keep reminding myself that God will take care of me if I do the next right thing and have faith.
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Old 04-21-2017, 06:35 PM
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We are here for you so keep posting away.
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Old 04-21-2017, 06:45 PM
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Thank you. I appreciate the support. I'm glad to have found this site. Night time is sort of ok for me because I feel almost comforted by being wrapped up in the covers watching TV. It's almost like I don't want to go to sleep because I know I have to wake up to another day of soul crushing anxiety. Ugh. I know it gets better, but right now things seem so hopeless.
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Old 04-21-2017, 08:49 PM
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Hi KittenMittens, and welcome to SR!

I, too, come from the alcoholic side of things but I know what it's like to constantly have your thoughts ruled by your drug of choice to the exclusion of everything else.

Now, because of SR, I've been able to get more sober days under my belt in the past two months than I have in the past three decades. This site, and its incredibly compassionate community, have been there for me and helped keep me from slipping a bunch of times. Without judgment.

You're doing great. Just keep doing what you're doing. And keep posting, and reading. SR is here for you.
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Old 04-21-2017, 08:56 PM
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Hi Kitten
welcome, and I agree, ditch the shame. It is a big fight. You can do this. We're here for you. You can do this.
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Old 04-21-2017, 10:13 PM
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Hi KM. I'm new as well and have found this site so helpful. So much support from so many different individuals. I just wanted to wish you all the best in your recovery. One day at a time.
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Old 04-22-2017, 12:41 AM
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im an alcoholic too, but i know quite a few people who have gone through heroin withdrawal....sat by one for support once too.

i know right now you feel terrible, i think you are probably at the hardest point. the good thing is you are safe, generally speaking. alcohol withdrawal can kill you, heroin withdrawal just feels like it will.

every person ive talked to said epsom salt baths worked great for the body aches and pains. the anxiety is a tough one, but at least you recognize that you are in fact safe. also keep telling yourself that it will get better, because no matter how you slice it, it will if you stay clean. just keep at it, don't pick up and it will get better.

also, i think coming clean with your sponser is a great idea. i know it is a hard thing to do, your brain will give you all sorts of reasons not to. but your sponser is there to help. there is no judgement, many people have relapsed before you and many people will after you. try not to feel shame, its not worth it. once you tell someone, then you will have in person support as well....and personally for me that makes a big difference.

remember you don't ever have to do this again.
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Old 04-22-2017, 12:44 AM
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Welcome KittenMittens, we are here for you! You can do this, keep posting!
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Old 04-22-2017, 12:54 AM
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Welcome to the site, we do all understand the guilt, shame and difficulty of what you are doing. Stay strong and stay with us.
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