Just want to understand
Hello,
My name is B.
I'm not really sure what to say, I just felt alone and frustrated so I thought I would try to find people who understand. My Boyfriend came home this afternoon high. (Opioids) we got into it and he left. Said he was going to school, but was calling and texting his connection all evening. He eventually shut his phone off, I'm assuming so I couldn't track him, to go meet the guy then went back to school and turned it on..
Now that I'm typing this it seems silly.
He's been struggling with addiction for years, since 16 or 17 years old. He's been an addict since we met. He's a good guy, great with my daughter and our daughter we have together. He's supportive financially, emotionally, has great morals and manners (I remember when we first met how charmed I was by it, like a breathe of fresh air, so hard to find now.) I thought I could fix him, you know? This great person who just couldn't handle his issues. We would work through them together and I would be his rock. His reason to change...
4 years later, I'm not so sure that's possible. Or if it was even right for me to think that. I love him so much but I hate his addiction. And lately it's been making me hate him too.
Our daughter is 8 months old. When she was born he was high. Even 2 days following her birth, while I was in the hospital, he was there with us. I didn't notice then. It's terrifying to think about. Not even a week after she was born, he overdosed and died at school. Someone brought him back and they gave him Narcan. Even after that...we still aren't enough.
He's a great father. He loves those girls, anyone will tell you. He's crazy for them. But how can I be a good mother if I let them grow up around him? Or worse, get hurt by him choosing drugs over them and dying. I just don't understand it. I swear I've tried. I've gone to AA meetings, al-non meetings, psychiatry, therapy, church. I've tried being supportive, not being supportive, sending him to rehab at least 6 different times, tough love (I sent him to the work house), made him move into sober living away from us, had him committed to a mental health institution. I'm not ready to give up but my heart can only be chipped away at until there is nothing left. And at the end of the day it's about my babies.
I don't want to live with out him. But I don't think I can live with him either. I'm stuck. In this horrible place and I feel so alone. I'm not sure what I want out of this forum...I just needed to talk to someone who understands.
Bee.