Just want to understand

Old 04-17-2017, 08:43 PM
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Just want to understand

Hello,
My name is B.

I'm not really sure what to say, I just felt alone and frustrated so I thought I would try to find people who understand. My Boyfriend came home this afternoon high. (Opioids) we got into it and he left. Said he was going to school, but was calling and texting his connection all evening. He eventually shut his phone off, I'm assuming so I couldn't track him, to go meet the guy then went back to school and turned it on..
Now that I'm typing this it seems silly.

He's been struggling with addiction for years, since 16 or 17 years old. He's been an addict since we met. He's a good guy, great with my daughter and our daughter we have together. He's supportive financially, emotionally, has great morals and manners (I remember when we first met how charmed I was by it, like a breathe of fresh air, so hard to find now.) I thought I could fix him, you know? This great person who just couldn't handle his issues. We would work through them together and I would be his rock. His reason to change...
4 years later, I'm not so sure that's possible. Or if it was even right for me to think that. I love him so much but I hate his addiction. And lately it's been making me hate him too.
Our daughter is 8 months old. When she was born he was high. Even 2 days following her birth, while I was in the hospital, he was there with us. I didn't notice then. It's terrifying to think about. Not even a week after she was born, he overdosed and died at school. Someone brought him back and they gave him Narcan. Even after that...we still aren't enough.
He's a great father. He loves those girls, anyone will tell you. He's crazy for them. But how can I be a good mother if I let them grow up around him? Or worse, get hurt by him choosing drugs over them and dying. I just don't understand it. I swear I've tried. I've gone to AA meetings, al-non meetings, psychiatry, therapy, church. I've tried being supportive, not being supportive, sending him to rehab at least 6 different times, tough love (I sent him to the work house), made him move into sober living away from us, had him committed to a mental health institution. I'm not ready to give up but my heart can only be chipped away at until there is nothing left. And at the end of the day it's about my babies.
I don't want to live with out him. But I don't think I can live with him either. I'm stuck. In this horrible place and I feel so alone. I'm not sure what I want out of this forum...I just needed to talk to someone who understands.

Bee.
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Old 04-18-2017, 03:55 AM
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Ann
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Welcome Bee. Addiction is a progressive disease and usually gets a lot worse before it gets better.

There comes a time when we have to decide whether the pain of leaving is any worse than the pain of staying...at least the first pain heals over time.

I am not sure how old your children are now but it is rarely a healthy environment, physically and emotionally, for children to grow up in.

I am glad you found us and hope that one day soon you can find your peace and take care of yourself and your girls.

Hugs
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Old 04-18-2017, 06:08 AM
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Hi, Bee. Welcome. Living with an addict is probably the hardest thing there is. Do you have support from famly or friends.? Can you support yourself and your children?
You sound just about done in by your life as it now is. Maybe it's time to make some changes. I recommend nar anon or al anon. They are both helpful and supportive fellowships for people who are troubled by a loved one's drinking or drugging.
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Old 04-18-2017, 06:17 AM
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I just don't understand it. I swear I've tried. I've gone to AA meetings, al-non meetings, psychiatry, therapy, church. I've tried being supportive, not being supportive, sending him to rehab at least 6 different times, tough love (I sent him to the work house), made him move into sober living away from us, had him committed to a mental health institution. I'm not ready to give up
What more do you think you can do to battle HIS addiction? An addiction that he doesn’t seem to want any help with in stopping.

He's been an addict since we met. He's a good guy, great with my daughter and our daughter we have together. He's supportive financially, emotionally, has great morals and manners (I remember when we first met how charmed I was by it, like a breathe of fresh air, so hard to find now.) I thought I could fix him,
I’m sure you learned in AA, al-anon, therapy, psychiatry and church that not only has it never been up to you or your job or responsibility to fix him but it’s impossible to fix another human being. It’s like you are spinning your wheels in the sand devoting all of everything you have in an attempt to fix something you’ll never be able to fix. And all of that time, effort, energy, obsessive thoughts will take you away from your children who already have one parent who’s not fully able to be fully present in their lives.

Have you given any though to going back to al-anon or seeking therapy again? Do you have the support of family and friends should you make the decision to get out and on healthier grounds for yourself and your children? Do you have a plan to support yourself and your children in the event he loses his job or worse? Do you keep narcan in your home in the event he over doses? These are all the realities of life when we chose to live with an active addict.
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Old 04-18-2017, 07:34 AM
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I just wanted to let you know I understand how exhausted, sad and angry you are feeling. I was married to an alcoholic for a long time. It drained me and then broke me.

I don't have much in the way of advice other than to encourage you to set firm boundaries for what kind of behaviour is acceptable in your life and the lives of your daughters.

When I first learned about setting boundaries to protect myself, instead of imposing rules on him, I started slow and simple. My very first boundary was; " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking" ... that meant no arguing, to blaming, no yelling, no crying , no pleading, no bargaining... just (forced at first) indifference as I went about doing what I needed to. It wasn't easy at first but it made things so much easier once I got the hang of it.

I slowly and steadily made stronger boundaries for myself until, in MY case, I was no longer able to allow active alcoholism in my daily life or in my living space. I needed my home to be my sanctuary and it was NOT when there was a drunk at home. After 26 years together, I moved away.

I wish you luck and peace as you navigate the mine field addiction has brought into your life.

Hugs to you and your precious girls.
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Old 04-18-2017, 06:50 PM
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You have done enough. Do not put your life or those of your children on hold as a life support system for an addictive person who does not want to get better- after all , he has you to keep him happy. Stay safe. Move on with your life. Empathy and support to you. PJ
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Old 04-25-2017, 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Welcome Bee. Addiction is a progressive disease and usually gets a lot worse before it gets better.

There comes a time when we have to decide whether the pain of leaving is any worse than the pain of staying...at least the first pain heals over time.


I am not sure how old your children are now but it is rarely a healthy environment, physically and emotionally, for children to grow up in.

I am glad you found us and hope that one day soon you can find your peace and take care of yourself and your girls.

Hugs
Thank you.
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Old 04-25-2017, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
Hi, Bee. Welcome. Living with an addict is probably the hardest thing there is. Do you have support from famly or friends.? Can you support yourself and your children?
You sound just about done in by your life as it now is. Maybe it's time to make some changes. I recommend nar anon or al anon. They are both helpful and supportive fellowships for people who are troubled by a loved one's drinking or drugging.
I do have a super supportive family, they just kinda hope for the best for him, they don't really say for me to do one thing or another. Which is nice, because I feel like that would just give me conflicted emotions even more. He's such a good guy when he's sober, everyone loves him. But I just don't believe he's capable of staying sober. It hurts me to admit that but it's true. I feel like if I made him leave he would just spiral further and further and my girls wouldn't have a father. The struggling with what is right is what sucks so bad. Thanks for listening. I have tried al non but not nar anon. Maybe I'll look into it.
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Old 04-25-2017, 07:11 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
What more do you think you can do to battle HIS addiction? An addiction that he doesn’t seem to want any help with in stopping.


I’m sure you learned in AA, al-anon, therapy, psychiatry and church that not only has it never been up to you or your job or responsibility to fix him but it’s impossible to fix another human being. It’s like you are spinning your wheels in the sand devoting all of everything you have in an attempt to fix something you’ll never be able to fix. And all of that time, effort, energy, obsessive thoughts will take you away from your children who already have one parent who’s not fully able to be fully present in their lives.

Have you given any though to going back to al-anon or seeking therapy again? Do you have the support of family and friends should you make the decision to get out and on healthier grounds for yourself and your children? Do you have a plan to support yourself and your children in the event he loses his job or worse? Do you keep narcan in your home in the event he over doses? These are all the realities of life when we chose to live with an active addict.
I know I can't do anymore then I've done. And I know it has to be him to want to stop.

I'm trying to get back into therapy but I'm having insurance issues, so hopefully soon. You've made some very good points. My family would help in the event of getting out of the relationship but I don't have a plan should that happen. I think I need to step away from my emotions and build one. And as "common sense" as that seems, I can't believe I've never thought of that. Thank you. I don't have narcan in our house, do you know how I would go about to getting it?
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Old 04-25-2017, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
I just wanted to let you know I understand how exhausted, sad and angry you are feeling. I was married to an alcoholic for a long time. It drained me and then broke me.

I don't have much in the way of advice other than to encourage you to set firm boundaries for what kind of behaviour is acceptable in your life and the lives of your daughters.

When I first learned about setting boundaries to protect myself, instead of imposing rules on him, I started slow and simple. My very first boundary was; " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking" ... that meant no arguing, to blaming, no yelling, no crying , no pleading, no bargaining... just (forced at first) indifference as I went about doing what I needed to. It wasn't easy at first but it made things so much easier once I got the hang of it.

I slowly and steadily made stronger boundaries for myself until, in MY case, I was no longer able to allow active alcoholism in my daily life or in my living space. I needed my home to be my sanctuary and it was NOT when there was a drunk at home. After 26 years together, I moved away.

I wish you luck and peace as you navigate the mine field addiction has brought into your life.

Hugs to you and your precious girls.
After reading your response, I tried your not engaging him boundary when he relapsed this last time and it helped myself by not seeing him that way or engaging with him. Where did you learn about boundriares? If you don't mind me asking, what others did you set for yourself. Thank you!
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Old 04-26-2017, 07:12 AM
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My family would help in the event of getting out of the relationship but I don't have a plan should that happen. I think I need to step away from my emotions and build one. And as "common sense" as that seems, I can't believe I've never thought of that. Thank you. I don't have narcan in our house, do you know how I would go about to getting it?

If you could be as honest as possible with yourself what kind of a relationship, are you really having with him TODAY? Not what you want it to be or what it was in the beginning but what it is today? And is this the kind of adult relationship you want your children to witness and repeat when they become adults?

AS for him spiraling further down if you leave the relationship – staying in order to try and prevent that doesn’t make you a loving caring partner it makes you a hostage. With you or without you his addiction is going to take him to where it’s going to take him, you are not the stop gap in that.

If therapy is not coming about as quickly as you hoped then get yourself to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting.

Ask at your local pharmacy about obtaining Narcon, they make it in a nasal spray now and if they tell you that a prescription is needed then go talk to your doctor. I know that more pharmacy’s are giving out the nasal spray without prescriptions so maybe check with different ones in your area.
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Old 04-26-2017, 08:07 AM
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Bee,

First of all I want to tell you how great it is that you are so open to listening to and asking for advice. I wish I had've had the strength to reach out for help a lot sooner than I did. So, good on you!

You asked where I learned about boundaries. I learned about constructing boundaries instead of trying to enforce rules right here on SoberRecovery (search button at the top of the page > advanced search> thread title only > "boundaries"....you will see hundreds of threads in Friends and Family as well as others) AND in a book called " Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I STRONGLY suggest you buy,borrow or download a copy. That book changed my life and saved my sanity. It's kind of a bible for us codependent types. Seriously.

As I said, I started out with the " I will not engage with him when he is drunk" boundary and evolved to the "will not live with active alcoholism in my life" boundary.

I also had,
-I, nor my children will not ride with an intoxicated driver.
-I will not buy alcohol nor pay for alcohol for an alcoholic.
-I will not sleep in the same bed with a drunk alcoholic (even if that means the couch for me)
-If I feel uncomfortable I will remove myself from the situation (even if that means going to a hotel)
-I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated through guilt tactics
-I will not let other people's fear or resentments keep my from educating myself about addiction and codependence


When you start setting boundaries your life changes in ways I'm not sure how to put in to words. You get your power back. Really, the only person we truly have control over in this life is ourselves. I don't even think about my boundaries any more... they are just there and I don't allow them to be breached. I don't tolerate, liars, thieves, active addicts of any kind or disrespectful people in my space. It just is what it is, and it's a much more peaceful way to live my life. I've lost friends and family because of it, but I'm ok with that. I don't think my boundaries are in any way wrong or extreme. Even if they were, this is my one life and I get to choose how to live it. I can't force anyone else to live the way I think they should, but I damn sure can set boundaries that allow me to live my best life, my way.

Best of luck Bee, keep coming back. Keep reaching out and asking the tough questions.
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Old 04-26-2017, 02:27 PM
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"He's been struggling with addiction for years, since 16 or 17 years old. He's been an addict since we met.

I thought I could fix him, you know? This great person who just couldn't handle his issues. We would work through them together and I would be his rock. His reason to change..."

Hi there Bee,

Your story is so similar to mine. I too, met my AH who was the most wonderful person, the love of my life. He had been an addict since his teens. He said he wanted to quit doing drugs when we met, and I thought just like you, that I could help him and that he would change for me, for us, our life. Didn't work. Thing was he relapsed behind my back and died. I don't mean to hijack your thread by telling my story, just want to give you my background in order for you to understand what I mean.

What I've learnt by the people on this board is that you can't change anyone but yourself. My AH wanted to do drugs and there was nothing I could do to change that. Foolishly enough I though I could. You can't do anything to make him quit. He will quit when he decides that he wants to do so, if that ever happens. There's nothing you can do to get him there. You will only crash and burn with him. That's what I'm doing because of my husband. If I knew what my AH was up to, and if I knew what I know about drugs now I would have acted differently. I should have taken care of me and detached and worked on my co-dependancy. If I had done that I wouldn't be where I am today, suffering in every way imaginable.

My AH would have ended up the way he did with or without me in his life. It's hard loving an addict because we know there's a person in there, a person we love so dearly but the drugs alter their minds and turn them into someone we cannot even recognize. The only thing we can do then is to detach and hope they will change. Staying by their side will only make us crash and burn along with them. Please, do think of your children. They shouldn't be seeing him in that condition.

I hope I wasn't to harsh on you, just talking out of my painful experience

Sending you hugs and prayers
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