Originally Posted by
steve-in-kville 
I feel so hypocritical today. Actually the past few days. I am hoping its just all part of the transition to a normal life.
First, kudos to you for the self awareness. I did find this was part of transition to a normal sober authentic life.
To the point: I am having a hard time loving people and trusting about everyone.
Did you do the 12-steps? I found in my 4th step just how much self-centered fear I was running my life on. And that all these irrational fears were from an early age. Now when I do Step 10 during the day, I see them pop up everywhere--fear of being lied to in your case, fear of being rejected, fear of .... fill in the blank. The big book talks about us having "hundreds forms of fears". They all mean one thing: we're not trusting and relying on God. We're trusting our finite self and listening to the lies in our heads. Fear isn't real.
And even if someone does lie to you, that's on them, not you. Listen to your gut. That still small voice within will tell you if you're being lied to. And if they lie to you? Love them from a distance. It's not personal. They are spiritually sick if they chose to lie.
Last night I lost my cool and blew off at the family over something stupid.
Did you make amends? I found I kept doing stuff like this early in sobriety, and I had to keep practicing the self-awareness and making amends, until these sort of things got less and less. They rarely happen now. But I am human, so they still do happen now and then. I also ask God to help me improve at my reactions to people.
I also feel like everyone is lying to me 24/7.
Again this sounds like fear. Were you lied to in the past? It's just your head telling you not to trust anyone. Check in with your gut. Ask God to remove the fear of being lied to.
I am attempting to integrate myself back into a church environment after taking some time away, but I am afraid to trust anyone in a leadership position again.
If you were hurt by someone in church leadership, you were hurt by a human being who was disconnected from God and was spiritually sick, despite being in church leadership. It has nothing to do with the fact that he was a leader in church. It was him as a human being who hurt you.
Take time to get to know people in leadership positions at the church. Let your gut and heart guide you if this is a person you can trust or not. Take it slowly and keep checking in with your heart. If you make a mistake and trust someone who shouldn't have been trusted, it is okay. In the beginning, it is a little confusing to tell sometimes if it's your mind or your heart guiding you. It's okay. It's not about you. Ever. It's about said person who can't be trusted.
People are human. But that doesn't mean everyone is "all bad" or "all good". It's part of experiencing life. Someone you thought couldn't be trusted may actually be trustworthy. Or someone you thought was trustworthy, might break your trust. It is all okay. It's humanness and part of the journey and learning process.
Take baby steps. Stick your toe in the water so to speak and go slowly. Trust must be built.
But I'm the one that lied all these years, I'm the one who can't be trusted. Please tell me this is normal. I'm several weeks into this, if that matters.
I didn't read this part till now. Well in that case, that means you are projecting your shortcomings/character defect/humanness onto others. I wonder if the more you go through day by day being trustworthy and truthful, the more you will start to trust others. Keep asking God to help you be trustworthy.
Lying is just a defense mechanism. It's not God's will for you to lie. Continue the journey of the growth it'll take you to step each new day toward God's will to be truthful and honest in all of life.
No one can hurt you unless you let them.
Trust God.
Be trustworthy.
Good luck as you continue your recovery journey.