I'm really happy you checked back in, KMO. We all understand how it is - and there's plenty of encouragement to be had here.
I'm sorry for the painful things that have happened. I always thought drinking was calming me down & helping me cope - but it did just the opposite. Even when we acknowledge that, we keep insisting it's somehow helping us. As you said, a compulsion. It sounds like you're ready to kick it out of your life for good. We know you can do it. Please stay with us - we want to help.