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Old 04-08-2017, 07:07 AM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Posts: 66

I'm back.

It's always hard to admit you have a problem, but extra embarrassing when u have to say it AGAIN. But, that's what I'm doing. I have fallen into a pattern that is now only hurting me and my family. I had a couple medical issues in Dec and Jan, unrelated to drinking. But they have caused me depression which is only made worse with alcohol. I realize this. I got pregnant in Oct and my DH and i were very excited. We have a son, after losing our first pregnancy. Sob we were preparing for our son to have a little bro or sis. Very happy. Well, after some issues and uncertainty, and after hearing a slow heartbeat, we lost our baby in Dec. I had a procedure in the hospital. Grieved, took time off from work. Started feeling better. Then month later i had emergency APPENDECTOMY. Wtf. Initially i felt relieved to survive. But in more recent days ive been feeling more angry and confused. Every pregnant woman makes me sad, even my own best friend. I work a demanding day job and pursue other endeavors. I try to spend time with family. Bit basically i feel stretched thin and like I'm on the verge of just losing it. I daydream of just driving far away.
I'm already on antidepressants. I have self medicated with alcohol for my whole adulthood, basically 10 years.
Recently i dont even really WANT to drink yet i do it anyway. Almost like it's not up to me anymore. A compulsion.

Aftee a nite of drinking i wake up feeling awful with stomach issues for hours. I can't keep doing this and know it's making depression worse. I was here almost a yr ago and went back to drinking again. Family stuff has made me mkre anxious, i end up the "fixer," and am considered the "stable" one. But i thi k part of my problem is i believe that i have to be that. Like the fam will fall apart otherwise. But that's too much pressure for one person.
Anyway sorry for the brain dump. I just don't have many i can talk to about this stuff. I feel lonely right now in this inner turmoil.
Thank u all for your understanding and support.
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Old 04-08-2017, 07:14 AM   #2 (permalink)

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Aw sorry to hear all of this. You've got a lot on, and someone wiser than me will be here soon with some sensible advice, it's to early for me to offer much. I didn't want to read & run tho, well done for posting here.
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Old 04-08-2017, 07:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by KM0816 View Post
Recently i dont even really WANT to drink yet i do it anyway. Almost like it's not up to me anymore. A compulsion.
It sounds like you reached the point of no return. Also, aside from the alcohol, it sounds as though you are seriously overwhelmed.

Do not try to go it alone, emotionally or in any other way. Ask for help, especially for the drinking. Find a community of people near you and join them.

Trying to go it alone against alcohol will bring you to the edge of the cliff. Don't ask me how I know this. When I look back, I realize my life started the day I asked for help.

Obviously drinking is not your only issue, but it is the FIRST issue and unless you do something about it, the other issues are likely to get worse.
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Old 04-08-2017, 07:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Sending hugs and prayers your way KM! I too am new to recovery, but I feel your pain and I know that the only way out is by finding a recovery program that works for you. You've taken the first step and that is to reach out for help here on SR.

Hang in there and keep posting. More people, with solid recovery will be along to provide you with their experiences and what has worked for them. In the meantime, read through the threads here on SR. There's a plethora of information and stories from people who suffer from addition and are finding their way...one day at a time.

Welcome to SR!
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
~Mohandas Gandhi

"Plan the Work, Work the Plan!"

Sober date: 2/22/17
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Old 04-08-2017, 07:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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My goodness, KMO, you have had a lot of "life" going on. I am so sorry that you lost your baby. I can't even imagine the pain

Please be careful, as I believe alcohol and antidepressants are not a good mix, at the very least, alcohol will make the antidepressant ineffective.

If I were in your shoes, I would be seeking professional assistance to help process your grief. Your loss is no small thing.

"Catch your breath, take your time."
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Old 04-08-2017, 07:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
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KM, I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby-to-be. I know, as women and as moms, we often feel we have to do and be everything for everyone. I lost myself in my family, believing that I was doing the right thing. The problem is, that when we give and we don't refill ourselves, we end up empty and lost.

I'm glad you are here and looking for support. I try to remember that I can control my reactions to things in my life, but that's all. I really have very little control and it was quite liberating to actually be able to 'let go'. You can do this!
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 04-08-2017, 08:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by KM0816 View Post
Recently i dont even really WANT to drink yet i do it anyway. Almost like it's not up to me anymore. A compulsion
Towards the end I too didn't really feel like drinking and yet I continued to pour it down my throat. I was drinking brands that I don't quite like the taste of like blended scotch whiskey and even beer in excess when left with no choice! Why? God knows! Maybe it was force of habit or I was simply chasing that high. It's pure insanity. There goes the 12 steps for you.

However, in your post you come across as a really strong person who just has too much on their plate. Don't use alcohol to medicate because alcohol is not medicine. Perhaps therapy may help.
Pressure makes diamonds.
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Old 04-08-2017, 10:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Sorry for your loss, KM. Glad you're back.
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Old 04-08-2017, 02:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you're back KMO. Support really does help.
Why not post here daily, or more than daily, for a while?

Maybe check out the Class of April 2017 support thread?


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Old 04-08-2017, 02:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm really happy you checked back in, KMO. We all understand how it is - and there's plenty of encouragement to be had here.

I'm sorry for the painful things that have happened. I always thought drinking was calming me down & helping me cope - but it did just the opposite. Even when we acknowledge that, we keep insisting it's somehow helping us. As you said, a compulsion. It sounds like you're ready to kick it out of your life for good. We know you can do it. Please stay with us - we want to help.
You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

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