Hello!
Thought I'd pop over from the September class to say Hi. I'm just over 7 months sober. I just went back to my first ever post on this site, as I thought it might be a good way to introduce myself to people on this thread. Reading it really brought back how difficult those first weeks were - not that it's at all easy now, but it is better.
This is what I wrote back then -
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First post, but have been ‘lurking’ on these forums for a while and finding them useful. I’ve done “Dry January” a few times and used the fact that I could get through one month each year to convince myself that I did not have a problem - but I was always counting down the days and by half way through Feb I’d be back in the cycle of drinking every day. It has really spiralled this year - easily hitting 60 units per week.
I didn’t really drink to excess as a student, but as I started to work very long hours in my mid-20s, I gradually used alcohol to mark the division between work and relaxation time - it became part of my routine. Then as a few bouts of depression hit, I began to use it more to ‘self-medicate’ - I still feel very low, but I care less with a bottle of wine inside me. I prefer to drink alone, but whenever I’m going to a social event I will try to find a way for it to involve alcohol. Cinema trip? Let’s take a couple of cans of G&T in. Picnic? Can’t do that without a nice chilled rose! Long train journey? Better get a bottle… I’ve found myself planning alcohol - looking forward to what I’m going to drink at the event more than the event itself.
I work from home, so this has really allowed things to get out of control and over the summer, I’ve found myself starting earlier and earlier. I hide booze from my husband. He thinks I’m polishing off a few glasses of wine, but is unaware that every time I go upstairs I’m also swigging from a can of G&T hidden in my wardrobe.
I’m now on Day 6 sober and I’m hating it. I had to go to a wedding during this time and I felt on the verge of tears without a drink. I didn’t know many people there and found it so painful trying to talk to them. Then the next morning - despite zero alcohol - I woke up with the worst hangover-style headache. I’m exhausted and irritable all the time and cannot concentrate on work. Last night, I just gave up and went to bed at 8pm because I didn't want to be conscious any longer.
Sorry to be such a pity-fest. I know that I have to do this and I know that on paper I should have a great life. I’m just finding it very hard and I’m furious with myself because I feel like I have inflicted this all on myself. I would really like to be able to get to the point where I can have just one or two drinks once or twice a week - but I’m starting to think I might be someone who cannot do that.
Glad to have found this forum and sorry for such a long post. Hope you’re all having a good day today. I find the idea of “one day at a time” very helpful, as I can’t really handle thinking beyond that!
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I'm still incredibly grateful for these forums. Reading other people's stories over the past few months has been so helpful. The constant gnawing craving has gone away - although I'm still taken by surprise by powerfully wanting a drink every now and then. I still associate so many things with alcohol - e.g. as the sun finally comes out in the UK, my thoughts naturally turn to picnics in the park with Pimms or a glass of rose outside. These things are so much part of my routine - I guess I just need to make new routines for myself.
My initial plan had been to do a year sober and then decide what to do. More than half way through that year, I can see the benefits that sobriety has brought to my life and I'm now thinking that I should commit to at least another year - particularly because my husband and I would like to start a family.
I think there's a good chance that it will never be OK for me to drink again - that I would not be able to moderate and that the process of finding that out could be fairly catastrophic. But at the moment, I still find it easier to look at things one day at a time / one year at a time - I find the idea of "forever" too overwhelming.
So - that's where I am at the moment. Hope you're all doing well. Hello to the guys from my lovely September class and it's good to meet everyone else!
x