Day 5 for me. When I walked past the AA sign at my meeting tonight, it fell over. =/ not sure what that means! (I think it just means the wind happened to blow the sign over when I walked past and doesn't mean anything beyond that.)
It was my regular "home group" meeting tonight, and though I've been stressed about this all day and REALLY wasn't looking forward to it, I still stood up when they asked those of us with 30 days or less of sobriety to stand up. To their knowledge, I was at 4 months. So I had to stand up and admit to all these wonderful people I've gotten to know pretty well over the last few months that I'd been drinking and I'm back at day 5. And really, I had been drinking quite a bit while still going to meetings. I first went to AA last November and stayed clean 10 days. Then drank. Then repented and came clean to everyone and made it another 10 days, and then I drank again. And this time I couldn't bear to admit that I'd been drinking, so I just kept telling everyone at AA and my sponsor that I was keeping clean while in the meantime I was still drinking. It was horribly dishonest and I hated myself for doing it, but I shoved it out of my mind. Thank GOD this long string of lies is over.
And you know what, nobody at my meeting was pissed at me for being back at day 5. They were all just grateful I was there. No judgment. Lots of understanding. Just nothing but compassion. And that's incredible to me.
I talked to my sister-in-law today about my struggles with alcohol and all she said was "well have you seen a therapist?" Honestly it kind of pissed me off, but she just doesn't get it. To think I could just talk to some licensed professional for an hour a week and be cured of alcoholism, lol. Come on. She and my brother know about my drinking problem but haven't done a damn thing to help me with it, and it's kind of driving a wedge between me and them. Maybe my anger isn't justified and I should take this on myself, but I at least need to get this out there. I don't want to hold anything in right now.
Stay strong, everyone.