Hi Sue and Welcome!!
Glad you found us, as we all understand. Go ahead and vent your anger, you have a lot of reason too. You are struggling raising your 5 kids and he is drinking and have a blast with his new girlfriend in your home. Life of an alcoholic is not so pretty. Go and read the new to recovery forum and see how they struggle, physically and mentally. I copied below a post from an alcoholic, I think on our F&F forum, but not 100% sure. I loved it as I struggle with the word "disease" also. So take what he says and think about it....
Hugs my friend, you are a strong and courageous mum. Your kids will see that one day, and thank you for the struggles you had, doing what you did, to protect them!!
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I choose everyday to maintain my recovery. It is a decision I make.
When I used, I choose to do so and I chose to maintain that lifestyle. I could have gotten out if it anytime I chose to, but the truth of the matter is I didn't want to.
The times in the past when I relapsed I had a choice to pick up the drug or to not. I chose to pick it up. I could have chosen to reach out to a friend or gone to a meeting or tried to stop myself, but I didn't. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted to handle whatever I was dealing with at the time by using. Thankfully by the grace of God I don't belong in that lifestyle so it didn't keep me bound.
I started using and it was nothing more then partying to me. I liked how drugs and alcohol made me feel. The more I partied the more addicted I became. You don't just become addicted to the substances, but also to the people and the lifestyle, the chaos, the drama, the highs and the lows.
I had heard drugs were bad, alcohol was bad, but yet I chose them. I continued on my merry way getting deeper and deeper. There were times I wanted to stop using but couldn't. Not because I had a disease, but I was addicted. Quitting meant giving up my relationship, moving, having to get new friends, leaving a lifestyle I was familiar with and having to get familiar with a whole new way of living. It meant being responsible and dealing with life on life's terms. The change was far to great for me to deal with and I was not ready to pay the price. Besides I liked getting high.
Granted I had bit off more than I could chew because when I tried to quit by my own strength. I had none. I was psychically. mentally and emotionally addicted. It hurt every fiber of my being to withdrawal. I always went back to using to stop the pain of coming down. There isn't a single part of your being that doesn't scream out in agony when you try to stop. Addicts don't like pain so ..... we extinguish it with drugs and the cycle continues.
Side note:Trying to quit and choosing to quit are very different. Trying is something you do to see if you can. Choosing is a ... well a choice. You don't try... you do it.