Alcoholism is Selfish

Old 04-01-2017, 06:55 PM
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Alcoholism is Selfish

Hi. I am Sue from New Zealand. My now ex partner and I have five children together. Three daughters and two sons aged 20, 18, 16, 14 and 12. My ex and I were together for 21 years until Christmas Day of 2015. He has been an extremely heavy drinker for 27 years, starting at the age of 13 years. I am and have only ever been a social drinker but for the most part I was always his sober driver. Three years ago I discovered the first hidden bulk lot of empty wine bottles..about 50. He apologised and swore that he'd stop . He did not and could not stop. Over the past three years the kids and I would continue to find hundreds of hidden bottles in bags, drawers, behind whiteware, in cupboards, in his car, in the garage, in the outside gardens and outside shed, everywhere. He always blamed me for having to hide it. He constantly told me if I wasn't such a nag he wouldn't have to hide it. He would tell me that it was normal, that every guy hides his alcohol. In the six months leading up to Xmas Day 2015, I noticed he was getting more aggressive and extremely argumentative. He was also hiding his phone. Xmas Day, my then 15 yr old son found messages from another woman. I had enough of being abused, of being lied to and I told him I was leaving with the kids. He left bruises on me trying to stop me. I packed my car with my children and we left. We've been gone for a year and a few months. He was once the best father in the world and then almost overnight he became a monster. He has very little contact with the kids and it's so sad for them to lose their father to addiction. I can tell from his correspondence that his mental has has deteriorated greatly. His father died of alcoholism at age 42. He tried to resuscitate his dad but he died in his arms. I think that destroyed him. My ex is 40. He does have a problem doesn't he? It's not all in my head. I found out recently he has drink driving convictions also. Why does he have to be so selfish? I can't see this addiction as a disease. I see it as a horribly selfish behaviour. I am filled with so much anger at having to leave our own home because he refused to leave. He wanted me to stay and accept his affair. Is this addiction affecting his body yet? He's a very high functioning alcoholic and is still working. He is in denial of his problem and is telling everyone we are lying. His family hate me. His sister is also a very heavy drinker. What will happen to him? Thanks in advance.

Last edited by Kiwimum; 04-01-2017 at 07:07 PM. Reason: To add detail
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Old 04-01-2017, 07:09 PM
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Well good for you for leaving with your kids. I think alcoholism is a disease, but I also think his actions were selfish. I am sure it is hard to recover from alcohol addiction but it doesn't sound like he is willing or able to seek help. I am sure that all of that alcohol has negatively impacted his health. It's really sad. I think all you can do is pray for him to find the strength to get help for himself
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Old 04-01-2017, 07:44 PM
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Hi, and welcome! I wouldn't call him "functioning"--we are way more than our jobs, and it sounds like the job is about the only thing he has left, besides the booze. And the job won't last forever if he keeps it up.

The abuse is a separate thing from the alcoholism. Alcohol won't make someone nonviolent, violent. Alcoholism really IS a disease, and it DOES make people behave selfishly, but not abusively unless they have that innate sense of entitlement that abusers have.

I'm so glad you and your kids got out safely. His dad's death is tragic, but it didn't cause his alcoholism. There can be a genetic element to it, though, so that might have been a factor. It's pretty much irrelevant, at this point, how he got there.

Are you and the kids getting any help, yourselves? Al-Anon (and Alateen, for the kids) are great programs to help free yourself of some of that anger you're carrying around. That's not to say you don't have plenty to be angry about, but the anger is costing YOU at this point--not him.
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Old 04-01-2017, 08:15 PM
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Hi, Kiwimum. Welcome. Good for you for having the courage to take the kids and go. Your life and their lives will be better.
Promise.
Agree with Lexie that Al-Anon and Alateen are great, supportive fellowships for those troubled by a family member's drinking.
Keep posting. This is a safe, supportive place.
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Old 04-01-2017, 08:19 PM
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Addiction is hell, damaging and all consuming. When I drank I was selfish- YES. I have no logical or rational explanation for addictive behaviour. It destroys- utterly. I empathise with you. The only out- is through very hard work and proactivec hoice. HIS battle- not yours. To move on- you- for yourself have to navigate through the anger. What good does it do you? Will it change him?
Support to you. PJ
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Old 04-01-2017, 08:32 PM
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Hi and thank you for your replies. Yes the children and I are getting help. But after what he has put us through, it's going to be a very long time to get over it if we ever do. I was with this man for 21 years. I stayed thinking it was the best thing for the children. In hindsight I stayed too long. I was his enabler without knowing it. I'm glad I left and got the kids to safety but it's the absolute worst grief I've ever felt in my life. I'm keeping very minimal contact with him now as all he ever does is blame me for everything. I did this to the children. We are living on next to nothing and it's all my fault. He replaced us with his new family six months after we left. She is living in my home with her teenage kids while my kids are forced to live in a rental. He has hurt us incredibly with his alcoholism. I recently stopped visitation with the children because the last time he saw them, it was for 30 minutes then he left saying he had a party to go to. This hurt my kids more than anything. He hadnt seen them in 3 months because we live 8 hours away. I'm the one left to pick up the pieces. But my kids have always been number one in my life. I will always be there for them. But it's so hard to raise kids on your own. My two oldest are back at University while I raise my three youngest. I know that I am the lucky one. I have my children's love and respect. But late at night I still cry.
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Old 04-01-2017, 08:47 PM
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Many hugs. Trust me, it will get better.
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Old 04-01-2017, 08:55 PM
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Thank you Lexicat. I will get through this. It's just going to take time. I didn't lose him to another woman. I had lost him to alcoholism years ago. I worry that he will die and what that will do to the kids. I'm the only one who tried to get him help. His family won't listen to us or believe us, it's very frustrating. I've had no contact with him in a month. I fear for his life every day. He is drinking himself to death and it's frustrating that nobody can do anything about it. I really don't believe he will stop. He sees absolutely nothing wrong in what he's doing. Thanks for listening. I will read through some other stories tonight.
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Old 04-01-2017, 09:32 PM
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Hello. When I drank I think I chased away anyone who was close to me on purpose just so I could be alone in my misery, or at least away from people who looked down on me. I was living a party for 10 years or so and if you weren't interested in my drunken psychosis behavior then you were a pain in the butt to me.

It sounds to me like he is mentally being entertained by the alcohol now and for many years. If he is okay with it and accepts the terrible relationships then he may never quit.

But I hope he quits for his kids sake so they can see their dad sober again. Life moves along so fast and with alcohol sneaking up and biting you like a snake health wise there is no time to waste. He either quits or drinks to his death.

It all sounds like a sad situation and I feel sorry for all involved. And yes it is selfish. Alcohol trips out the mind and puts people who abuse it in a different dimension. Their world becomes rebellious and if anyone gets in their way they stomp them. It's as if alcohol is a substitute and a better one than that of other people's love.

I wouldn't doubt it if he feels inadequate in many ways and chasing away people is an act of relief so he doesn't have to face those facts. < -- Just saying I felt this way at times.

Take care.
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Old 04-01-2017, 09:56 PM
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hi Kiwimum, sorry for the reason you've come here, but I hope that telling your story can give you some relief.

I agree with what the other posters have written and that despite the damage done you seem to be on your way to a new better life.

One question that occurred to me is have you been through the legal process of dividing your property with your AH? It seems incredibly uneven that you had to leave with the children and he has full use of the house. At the very least he should be paying you your share of rent. If you haven't consulted a lawyer, I suggest you not delay that at all. Your financial contribution to the family needs to be acknowledged.
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Old 04-01-2017, 10:02 PM
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Sorry you are going through this.

Yes - raising kids alone is hard. I only have one - and it is hard enough. I like to remind myself that no matter how hard it is - I would not trade places with XAH - who is now sober and is living seemingly easy life with part time job he loves, and no childcare responsibilities. I don't envy him.
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Old 04-01-2017, 10:39 PM
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Hi, Kiwi--glad you found us here at SR. I'm sorry for all that has happened to you and your kids during your marriage to this man, and I applaud your courage in finally getting out. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You did the best you could at the time. As you learn more and get more support for yourself, you'll be able to make better decisions.

Feeling Great brings up an important topic--the legal aspects of your situation. You don't mention in your post that you have divorced, or have begun proceedings. It's important for you to get the legal end of things handled for a couple of reasons:
1) Certainly he should be responsible for helping support you and the kids, at the very least. Perhaps a judge would find that YOU should have the house and HE should move out--I'm not a lawyer, but I can almost guarantee that your A is NOT going to walk out of the marriage w/the house in his name and no financial obligations to his FIVE KIDS and wife!
2) You need to sever legal ties to him in the event he gets into big financial or legal trouble, like a DUI w/injuries or deaths or major health problems of his own. As his wife, you could be on the hook for those debts.

I hope you keep reading and posting here. SR is a wonderful, supportive community w/many, many voices sharing their experiences and what they've learned. As others have said, I'd also recommend Alanon/Alateen to help you all learn to understand what you've been through and the effect it has had on you as well as how to recover from it and grow into a new, healthier life.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 04-02-2017, 02:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Kiwimum View Post
I will get through this. It's just going to take time. I didn't lose him to another woman. I had lost him to alcoholism years ago. I worry that he will die and what that will do to the kids.
Hi Kiwimum. Hang in there. Just want to give you a virtual hug. And say thank GOD you are there like you are for your children. ((((KIWIMUM))))
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Old 04-02-2017, 06:36 AM
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Absolutely, yes, talk to a lawyer. You are more than likely entitled to a good-sized portion of the house, a portion of his retirement plan, a portion of anything else you own acquired during marriage, not to mention child support and very likely alimony. This was a long marriage, and there is no reason you and the kids should have to live on a shoestring while he goes his merry way.

Many lawyers will give you a free consult. You don't have to decide anything permanent immediately, but at the very least your children have the RIGHT to financial support from their father.
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Old 04-02-2017, 06:56 AM
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I believe you taking your children and leaving was the best decision for all of you even if at times it doesn't feel that way.

I'm also glad you and the kids are seeking help and working through all of the emotions regarding the situation. And yes, if there is al-anon in your area I'd give that a try as well.

One of the things that helped me depersonalize his addiction was to learn about addiction and addict behaviors. You will learn that he didn't drink at you he drank because he is an alcoholic. And no matter who, what or where he is in life, he will continue to drink until and if he makes the choice to stop. It's hard not to take what they did or said personally but when we learn to detach it becomes easier.

Sounds like he is from a family of dysfunction and alcoholism. If his dad drank himself to death at 42 his family is a family of untreated alcoholism so don't expect much from them on the side of NOT drinking and understanding the issues brought about from drinking.

I am glad you found SR and posted.
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Old 04-02-2017, 10:53 AM
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Hi Sue and Welcome!!

Glad you found us, as we all understand. Go ahead and vent your anger, you have a lot of reason too. You are struggling raising your 5 kids and he is drinking and have a blast with his new girlfriend in your home. Life of an alcoholic is not so pretty. Go and read the new to recovery forum and see how they struggle, physically and mentally. I copied below a post from an alcoholic, I think on our F&F forum, but not 100% sure. I loved it as I struggle with the word "disease" also. So take what he says and think about it....

Hugs my friend, you are a strong and courageous mum. Your kids will see that one day, and thank you for the struggles you had, doing what you did, to protect them!!
--------------------------

I choose everyday to maintain my recovery. It is a decision I make.

When I used, I choose to do so and I chose to maintain that lifestyle. I could have gotten out if it anytime I chose to, but the truth of the matter is I didn't want to.

The times in the past when I relapsed I had a choice to pick up the drug or to not. I chose to pick it up. I could have chosen to reach out to a friend or gone to a meeting or tried to stop myself, but I didn't. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted to handle whatever I was dealing with at the time by using. Thankfully by the grace of God I don't belong in that lifestyle so it didn't keep me bound.

I started using and it was nothing more then partying to me. I liked how drugs and alcohol made me feel. The more I partied the more addicted I became. You don't just become addicted to the substances, but also to the people and the lifestyle, the chaos, the drama, the highs and the lows.

I had heard drugs were bad, alcohol was bad, but yet I chose them. I continued on my merry way getting deeper and deeper. There were times I wanted to stop using but couldn't. Not because I had a disease, but I was addicted. Quitting meant giving up my relationship, moving, having to get new friends, leaving a lifestyle I was familiar with and having to get familiar with a whole new way of living. It meant being responsible and dealing with life on life's terms. The change was far to great for me to deal with and I was not ready to pay the price. Besides I liked getting high.

Granted I had bit off more than I could chew because when I tried to quit by my own strength. I had none. I was psychically. mentally and emotionally addicted. It hurt every fiber of my being to withdrawal. I always went back to using to stop the pain of coming down. There isn't a single part of your being that doesn't scream out in agony when you try to stop. Addicts don't like pain so ..... we extinguish it with drugs and the cycle continues.

Side note:Trying to quit and choosing to quit are very different. Trying is something you do to see if you can. Choosing is a ... well a choice. You don't try... you do it.
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Old 04-02-2017, 10:46 PM
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Thank you Maia and everyone else who commented. I have spent this past year researching alcoholism. The whys, the how's, the excuses, the torment, the anguish. The addiction. I try really really hard to understand him and his illness but when I have to look my children in the eye and see the hurt, the confusion, the trauma of what they have been through...I don't want to understand him anymore. I hate him when we are at our lowest. The story above convinces me that this is the most selfish disease. It convinces me that my ex has always put himself first in our relationship. He always found an excuse to be around alcohol. Most of his mates are heavy drinkers too. Looking back into our relationship...he never did anything to make me happy. Only what made him happy. As sad and as lonely as I am, I am happier without the alcoholic in my life. I feel as though a tonne of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. As for the house, yes I had to get a lawyer as my ex refused to pay me out half. He refuses to believe we should get anything from the house. My lawyer said after 21 years, it's a 50/50 split. He did not respond to family court at all until the very last minute when he used the excuse he didn't understand the legal papers. All along he has told me he's dragging the sale out as long as he can and he will. The children and I are in limbo at the moment. I work five days a week part time and it's still a struggle. His mental health is concerning. He got his new partner to block his own children...not once have my kids ever tried to contact her. He is deluded and I'm concerned he is getting alcoholic dementia or something like it. I don't know. It's so sad for my kids. They hurt the most.
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Old 04-03-2017, 02:25 AM
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Kiwimum, alcoholism is one thing but stringing out the sale of the house while you and the children live in poverty shows he's just selfish in his own right.
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Old 04-03-2017, 07:30 AM
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Hi. I am so sorry you and your sweet children are having to go thru this. I am new here also but the support from everyone on here is just amazing. I can only encourage you to take each of their replies to heart and just realize y'a'll are not alone in this journey. Sending you hugs.
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Old 04-03-2017, 07:50 AM
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I'm so happy you got yourself and your kids off the train before it crashes. You did the right thing!
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