Originally Posted by
dwtbd 
As far as I can tell, from their posts, the OP is not trying to quit. It does not seem that he is addicted.
In our tradition, vandelay187 is quite simply all Beast. He can't imagine a satisfactory life without alcohol in it, and he is living out the Addictive Voice, as if it were his own.
He knows he probably shouldn't drink, but he still does, although he knows he's treading a fine line. This is why he tries to minimizing the fall-out from his drinking, and mostly gets drunk alone.
He wants to drink and get away with it, even though he probably suspects that something is very wrong somewhere.
What could it be, though?
vandelay187,
Your addiction is apparently in control, and you are living out its dictates. It is actually organizing your life around itself, and you are trying to minimize the damage. It will continue to do this, and you may or may not succeed in damage control in the long run.
You are probably wagering that you can succeed at damage control, but even if you do, it will very likely come at the expense of other things you once valued, or presently value.
You cannot imagine a life without the drug, but the day may come when you cannot tolerate the damage, either. Usually, the price goes up, and the noose tightens.
If that day comes, you will still be faced with the same dilemma you have right now. Namely, whether to drink, or not to drink.
I understand your predicament, but consider where you are headed, and consider a perfect year, rather than a perfect week. It may give you some perspective.