Just commenting on the name of this site but not here to talk about that. In fact I don't even know if I define this as really talking to someone. Internet chat is so blind, you could be talking to anyone and you wouldn't know and lets face it... no one really gives a sh*t about other people's problems. Do they?
Or maybe some people are just good. And i'm not aware of that because i'm not good. Im not surrounded by 'good'people. Not to say I go around comitting crimes every day, i'm a 30 year old woman living in london, doing my second masters and from the outside I have a fabulous life and fabulous family. From the inside... it is cold, indefferent and with a complete lack of empathy for others. Not that I came here to go on a self-bashing speech either as I don't hate myself and I definitely do not feel sorry for myself. Just noting the way my life is and in my prejiduce am assuming that others must also be this way. Small minded I know.
Anyway as I said - I don't know who will read this. If anyone will read it. I don't know why i'm writing it. I tend to not talk about my issues much as I find that when others talk to me about theirs it's bloody depressing so I don't like to be that burden. But i relapsed over the past 24 hours and i'm pissed. I let myself down and I can't tell anyone so i've come here for a vent.
I used to seriously abuse cocaine, amongst other things. Ive had a 10 year addiction to xanax which is a bitch of a drug to get off of. F U to that damn psychiatrist who prescribed it to me in the first place. *****. Anyway I stopped heavy cocaine use when my nose collapsed. So it was driven not so much from want (don't get me wrong - it's not a great life sitting in a flat, isolating yourself, not taking care of yourself at all and just binging as much as your body allows). But yet I didn't stop until I was forced to. Until the Dr had denied me surgery twice before I was able to stop for a good 6 months before the op. And mostly because I care so much about image cause I can say it quite blunty, i'm a shallow person, that I didn't wanna be the freak with the sloopy nose.
Anywayyyy I managed. And life got better...Obviously. But I have come to realise i'm an addict. Just writing this even I say to myself 'duh ' but I honestly never really saw myself that way. I knew I was addicted to the escape cocaine gave me but I justified it, I told myself everyone was addicted to something and it was just in my nature/personality to generally turn towards destructive addictions. Why can't it just be damn exercise..Coming down on Xanax obvs made me realise i'm an addict. It's damn hard. I've tried it a few times now, this time i'm down to 1.5mg daily (super for me) but thats a drug you become really physically dependant on. With cocaine, for me at least, it was always much more of an emotional dependancy, a means of escaping from the real world. A means of alleviating my boredom and spending my money because i have time and money in excess which i'm not saying in a bragging way don't get me wrong.It has been my downfall.
So I guess I just was much happier not on C because it turns me into such a different person. I could never just 'enjoy' drugs. I had to do everything in excess until I burn out and with stimulants it sucks cause eventually you just feel shaky and weird A F, you've become a recluse with severe social anxiety who keeps snorting lines every 20 min or so to ONLY AVOID COMING DOWN. Where is the joy in that? Before I relapsed i began gloryfying my cocaine use again. Typical addict. I began thinking of how much i missed that escape it gave me. Where the world can just STFU for a day or two and u can live in your comfort bubble, awful to some but so great to others. This is how i was thinking. And now I find myself here...maybe 30 hours later, no sleep, no food, damn basically no water I mean I forget to even drink. no self love, no self respect, no self control...
Like i make myself even believe at times. I, like many of you who must visit this site feel that being strong is a constant battle and it's always the internal battle which can eat away at you. The negative: do cocaine, you can control it, its just one escape, you've been so good. That took over my thoughts. ACTUALLY, come to think of it. my negative side is such a sneaky little sh*t that I don't recall even THINKING about my decision to relapse. I decided and I went head first into it...
Will i relapse again? Maybe. My life is going through a lot of changes now, moving country, getting married (WTH), becoming a certified medical nutritionist ( the irony - i know). Life is changing for the better and my addict side absolutely hates it. But what is life if you're not fighting for it? Why should anything good happen to those who dont think good, who don't DO good. To themselves. To others. Why should anything good come easy? I will not be the type of person who gives up on happiness. I will forever be fighting to be strong and good until i've successfully convinced myself. And had it not been for the last 24 hours I was halfway there.
So there is my first, and most likely my last post on a site like this. I can see the appeal. I spoke from my heart with no filter -that's something that never happens in a life like mine. Respect to anyone who even reads this long ass rant - I just blabbed out my thoughts and let it flow. Guess I had a lot to get off my chest. Respect to everyone fighting for their happiness. I don't give out my respect easily, I only really respect my father but those who are willing to realise that life is fight and you can never ever give up because it's so worth it. Life is so worth fighting for. And before I go into a hippy rant about how great life can be i'll leave it there.
Peace to all and remember - no one meets success without failure. If they say they do - they're most likely lying
C xx