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How can it be recovery if it's not being sober?

Old 03-22-2017, 11:51 AM
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How can it be recovery if it's not being sober?

Just commenting on the name of this site but not here to talk about that. In fact I don't even know if I define this as really talking to someone. Internet chat is so blind, you could be talking to anyone and you wouldn't know and lets face it... no one really gives a sh*t about other people's problems. Do they?

Or maybe some people are just good. And i'm not aware of that because i'm not good. Im not surrounded by 'good'people. Not to say I go around comitting crimes every day, i'm a 30 year old woman living in london, doing my second masters and from the outside I have a fabulous life and fabulous family. From the inside... it is cold, indefferent and with a complete lack of empathy for others. Not that I came here to go on a self-bashing speech either as I don't hate myself and I definitely do not feel sorry for myself. Just noting the way my life is and in my prejiduce am assuming that others must also be this way. Small minded I know.

Anyway as I said - I don't know who will read this. If anyone will read it. I don't know why i'm writing it. I tend to not talk about my issues much as I find that when others talk to me about theirs it's bloody depressing so I don't like to be that burden. But i relapsed over the past 24 hours and i'm pissed. I let myself down and I can't tell anyone so i've come here for a vent.

I used to seriously abuse cocaine, amongst other things. Ive had a 10 year addiction to xanax which is a bitch of a drug to get off of. F U to that damn psychiatrist who prescribed it to me in the first place. *****. Anyway I stopped heavy cocaine use when my nose collapsed. So it was driven not so much from want (don't get me wrong - it's not a great life sitting in a flat, isolating yourself, not taking care of yourself at all and just binging as much as your body allows). But yet I didn't stop until I was forced to. Until the Dr had denied me surgery twice before I was able to stop for a good 6 months before the op. And mostly because I care so much about image cause I can say it quite blunty, i'm a shallow person, that I didn't wanna be the freak with the sloopy nose.

Anywayyyy I managed. And life got better...Obviously. But I have come to realise i'm an addict. Just writing this even I say to myself 'duh ' but I honestly never really saw myself that way. I knew I was addicted to the escape cocaine gave me but I justified it, I told myself everyone was addicted to something and it was just in my nature/personality to generally turn towards destructive addictions. Why can't it just be damn exercise..Coming down on Xanax obvs made me realise i'm an addict. It's damn hard. I've tried it a few times now, this time i'm down to 1.5mg daily (super for me) but thats a drug you become really physically dependant on. With cocaine, for me at least, it was always much more of an emotional dependancy, a means of escaping from the real world. A means of alleviating my boredom and spending my money because i have time and money in excess which i'm not saying in a bragging way don't get me wrong.It has been my downfall.

So I guess I just was much happier not on C because it turns me into such a different person. I could never just 'enjoy' drugs. I had to do everything in excess until I burn out and with stimulants it sucks cause eventually you just feel shaky and weird A F, you've become a recluse with severe social anxiety who keeps snorting lines every 20 min or so to ONLY AVOID COMING DOWN. Where is the joy in that? Before I relapsed i began gloryfying my cocaine use again. Typical addict. I began thinking of how much i missed that escape it gave me. Where the world can just STFU for a day or two and u can live in your comfort bubble, awful to some but so great to others. This is how i was thinking. And now I find myself here...maybe 30 hours later, no sleep, no food, damn basically no water I mean I forget to even drink. no self love, no self respect, no self control...

Like i make myself even believe at times. I, like many of you who must visit this site feel that being strong is a constant battle and it's always the internal battle which can eat away at you. The negative: do cocaine, you can control it, its just one escape, you've been so good. That took over my thoughts. ACTUALLY, come to think of it. my negative side is such a sneaky little sh*t that I don't recall even THINKING about my decision to relapse. I decided and I went head first into it...

Will i relapse again? Maybe. My life is going through a lot of changes now, moving country, getting married (WTH), becoming a certified medical nutritionist ( the irony - i know). Life is changing for the better and my addict side absolutely hates it. But what is life if you're not fighting for it? Why should anything good happen to those who dont think good, who don't DO good. To themselves. To others. Why should anything good come easy? I will not be the type of person who gives up on happiness. I will forever be fighting to be strong and good until i've successfully convinced myself. And had it not been for the last 24 hours I was halfway there.

So there is my first, and most likely my last post on a site like this. I can see the appeal. I spoke from my heart with no filter -that's something that never happens in a life like mine. Respect to anyone who even reads this long ass rant - I just blabbed out my thoughts and let it flow. Guess I had a lot to get off my chest. Respect to everyone fighting for their happiness. I don't give out my respect easily, I only really respect my father but those who are willing to realise that life is fight and you can never ever give up because it's so worth it. Life is so worth fighting for. And before I go into a hippy rant about how great life can be i'll leave it there.

Peace to all and remember - no one meets success without failure. If they say they do - they're most likely lying

C xx
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Old 03-22-2017, 12:01 PM
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Welcome to SR AC.

Congrats on your new job and your upcoming marriage.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.
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Old 03-22-2017, 12:09 PM
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Welcome AlwysConflicted!
Hope you stick around and post, this is a good place to vent, and people do care even on the World Wide Web 😊
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Old 03-22-2017, 12:14 PM
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thanks Tronics. And Nonsensical - for reading my long post Not sure how to respond to people and hope you see my thanks! It felt good writing down whatever I wanted, no filters, pure honesty when I live such a dishonest life. Very elevating!
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Old 03-22-2017, 12:17 PM
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We hear you! Come back! Getting clean and sober is the most important thing you will do. Maybe through this site. Maybe another way. Whatever works. I don't post much but I read other people's stories. I see myself in them.

Take care.
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Old 03-22-2017, 12:27 PM
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Hi & Welcome AlwysConflicted
I hope you decide to stay and post more.
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Old 03-22-2017, 01:08 PM
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welcome! so sorry about the latest relapse....i know what the other side of a coke spinner feels like. couldn't hate life more. and yet somehow you reached out here, to SR.

time to regroup, i guess? get back to what WAS working, and figure it what wasn't. you sound like one of those classic "under" achievers!!! 2nd masters, changing countries, getting married, new career. any one of those can be overwhelming. all of them can seem insurmountable if you pile them atop each other.

i hope you stay around. for what it's worth, i'm real!! and i do care!
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Old 03-22-2017, 01:16 PM
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Welcome. Glad you found us.
Hope you keep reading, posting, and that you find a good recovery plan so that you can start to enjoy your sobriety and it comes comfortable and sustainable, and negate the need for grabbing outwards to seek relief (despite knowing that this is a flawed plan).

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
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Old 03-22-2017, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
welcome! so sorry about the latest relapse....i know what the other side of a coke spinner feels like. couldn't hate life more. and yet somehow you reached out here, to SR.

time to regroup, i guess? get back to what WAS working, and figure it what wasn't. you sound like one of those classic "under" achievers!!! 2nd masters, changing countries, getting married, new career. any one of those can be overwhelming. all of them can seem insurmountable if you pile them atop each other.

i hope you stay around. for what it's worth, i'm real!! and i do care!
thanks for your super cool response! yeah the plan now is defintely re group. focus on the things which make me feel alive - horseriding, the sea, nature etc. Ive always been cautious of online 'help' sites as years ago I used to go to one and it was an awful site, with very angry people who seemed to join to create drama and express their unhappiness in life through negativity and bullyish behaviours towards others and I got sucked into it too, taking out my negativity on others, being the coward behind the screen who seems to forget that theyre talking to just a normal human being with normal human problems, encouraging a very nasty and high school atmosphere - just very bitchy. I revelled in it at the time, putting other people down and it's not me that. i did my first masters in psycology which doesnt make me a professional or anything lol but it does make you realise that when you take pleasure in putting other people down it's because it's the only pleasure you can really derive for yourself at that time in your life. It's the classic - misery loves company.

So I was apprehensive to post but thought what the hell. Since then been reading other people's posts and this is a very supportive place. Seems to be, so will stick aorund a bit longer - and hopefully can write another long ass rant style post in the future about my successes and not my failures
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Old 03-22-2017, 01:34 PM
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I'm a Londoner too; nice to meet you and congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

I'm newly sober in terms of alcohol but my drug of choice was heroin so my experience is a little different from yours. That being said, I understand your reluctance with regards to online support. The amount of weird forums I've participated in is embarrassing.

Nevertheless, this place is very cool and there is so much support. I'm clean from drugs for several years and newly sober so I go to both NA and AA meetings. It's not for everyone but if you need a place to go to hang out with like-minded people, I highly recommend it.
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Old 03-22-2017, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
Welcome. Glad you found us.
Hope you keep reading, posting, and that you find a good recovery plan so that you can start to enjoy your sobriety and it comes comfortable and sustainable, and negate the need for grabbing outwards to seek relief (despite knowing that this is a flawed plan).

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
thanks - I always told myself the less attention you pay to your problems the less 'real' they become in your mind. that if you focus and talk about them all the time they will seem enlarged and more overwhelming than if you just 'got on with it.' I think im starting to realise though that I had this way of thinking because I didn't really ever reach out to people who have gone through the exact same situations in life as I have. and now im questioning why? i'm starting to question whether surpressing a very real problem and struggle you are facing in life is actually a way of avoiding the difficult questions and thoughts which come hand in hand with recovery - why do I feel I need to escape? What am I escaping from? In reality I think i've been escaping from that question more than life haha..
Regardless I enjoy how this page is making me question my coping methods as if it's not one substance it's another - addiction is forever present in my life in some form. So maybe it's time to change tactic..

Maybe it's time to admit to myself I could use some support - some people in my life who understand and know the struggle, all the lying to everyone. Sometimes I realise i've lied so much to friends and family to keep 'my image intact' that they have no clue what type of person I am anymore. That's fine - they don't have to. But maybe online you can allow yourself to be vulnerable - providing no one would use that against you as i've experienced before but doesn't seem to be the case here..

Sorry for long posts! Contemplating alot after this last binge, just makes me stronger if anything - a reminder that I only tell myself i like staying home and bingeing (because i really do i feel at peace) but then once its over i realise i haven't been living at all and when you zoom out you don't like it. Not one bit.

Feeling determined and thanks for the positive feedback
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Old 03-22-2017, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by MrsLecter View Post
I'm a Londoner too; nice to meet you and congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

I'm newly sober in terms of alcohol but my drug of choice was heroin so my experience is a little different from yours. That being said, I understand your reluctance with regards to online support. The amount of weird forums I've participated in is embarrassing.

Nevertheless, this place is very cool and there is so much support. I'm clean from drugs for several years and newly sober so I go to both NA and AA meetings. It's not for everyone but if you need a place to go to hang out with like-minded people, I highly recommend it.
hey! awesome for you! different drug, different effects but ultimately addiction for me is kinda the same imo whatever the substance and whatever the reason you started/continued it for. We are more satisfied and comfortable essentially in half alive states, not willing to face realities and not willing to see the damage we are causing before it's too late. But then again only talking from my experience so someone could have a totally different view!!..For me even food and relationships for me my past relationships was more like a drug addiction than a healthy relationship! my past therapists used to always say it's about 'finding ways to not be so excessive' if im on a diet its a under 1000 kcal diet, if im in binge mode lol. well lets just say i can eat alot.

i have often considered finding a group to go to once a week, i think i would benefit more from face to face interactions and developing relationships with people who get it..could you let me know of any good ones?
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Old 03-22-2017, 01:58 PM
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Welcome to SR AlwysConflicted.
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Old 03-22-2017, 02:05 PM
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I'm a Londoner as well, originally. Now in a different county.

Yes, why not try reaching out. Just give it a go. There's nothing to lose. You don't need to sign up to anything or even give your full name. Why settle for sobriety when you could have recovery? X
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Old 03-22-2017, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
I'm a Londoner as well, originally. Now in a different county.

Yes, why not try reaching out. Just give it a go. There's nothing to lose. You don't need to sign up to anything or even give your full name. Why settle for sobriety when you could have recovery? X
you really hit the nail on the head with that comment 'why settle for sobriety when you can have recovery' That's very true. And the only answer I could think of as to why someone might is fear of the unkown, doubt of your capabilities. I've been drilling into my head for so long that i 'need xanax' to function normally that when i don't have it probably half my symptoms are psychosomatic. Ive noticed sometimes symptoms will only develop if I suddenly realise its been maybe 5 hours since my last dose! I don't want to just not take xanax, i want to really believe that I dont need it! that's the real battle
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Old 03-22-2017, 02:14 PM
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Welcome to SR. I have no experience with coke, but a lot with Xanax. Benzos are bad news, and Xanax is one of the worst.

I quit Xanax at the same day I quit alcohol, now nearly 5 years ago, when in rehab. A double whammy, if you want. Not easy at all, but certainly doable. Ironically - but quite typical, I later learned - I now have a lot less anxiety, even though I no longer take any medication and no longer drink.

Good luck on your travels, and be careful when you finally quit the Xanax. The withdrawals can be just as dangerous as those experienced when quitting alcohol. Best to talk to your GP about it, better safe than sorry.
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Old 03-22-2017, 02:25 PM
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Welcome to SR AlwaysConflicted.

Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage and new job. It sounds like you have a lot going for you so it would be a real shame to let substances spoil things.

It is easier to talk freely here because we understand what each other is going through and you can say how you are feeling or refer to things you have done without it having a negative impact on a relationship or career and there is lots of advice on how to overcome the cravings and sense of loss that is felt by most people in early recovery.

Good luck!
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Old 03-22-2017, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by ChiefBromden View Post
Welcome to SR. I have no experience with coke, but a lot with Xanax. Benzos are bad news, and Xanax is one of the worst.

I quit Xanax at the same day I quit alcohol, now nearly 5 years ago, when in rehab. A double whammy, if you want. Not easy at all, but certainly doable. Ironically - but quite typical, I later learned - I now have a lot less anxiety, even though I no longer take any medication and no longer drink.

Good luck on your travels, and be careful when you finally quit the Xanax. The withdrawals can be just as dangerous as those experienced when quitting alcohol. Best to talk to your GP about it, better safe than sorry.
thanks for ur response i love to read success stories of people coming off of xanax because for me it's been a constant real struggle, and i've attempted a few times and failed. but i still feel hopeful i find it really helps reading success stories because it makes u think will if they can do it, what makes me not able to?

the last time i attempted to quit was two years ago but i wasn't too educated on xanax in general so i went away for a week and just didnt take any with me decided to quit one day to the next - such a big mistake! this is the first time im doing it with professional supervision (out-patient) and the first time i'm surpressing my urge for quick results by dropping to significantly so taking it real slow, been on it 10 years so can come off it slowly

do u have any tips which helped u? i cut out caffeine as in the morning was getting too shaky during my last drop. i take walm baths with magnesium oil which really helps fatigued muscles! i don't smoke a lot but stopped cigs also as they're also a CNS stimulant which is the last thing I want lol. anything that helped you?
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Old 03-22-2017, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by saoutchik View Post
Welcome to SR AlwaysConflicted.

Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage and new job. It sounds like you have a lot going for you so it would be a real shame to let substances spoil things.

It is easier to talk freely here because we understand what each other is going through and you can say how you are feeling or refer to things you have done without it having a negative impact on a relationship or career and there is lots of advice on how to overcome the cravings and sense of loss that is felt by most people in early recovery.

Good luck!
yes! im really happy ive reached out. in the comments some people have said things which im just like YES THATS SO CORRECT like how you just brought up the sense of loss you also feel once you've developed a dependancy and relied on that dependancy for so long. It really does feel like a loss because I cannot deny taking xanax for me is the EASIEST solution. not comfortable? take a pill? feeling anxious? take a pill. feeling ANYTHING then take a pill.

the real struggle is recovering from what you've trained your mind to believe in rather than what you are taking!
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Old 03-22-2017, 04:08 PM
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Hi AlwaysConflicted. I join the others in being glad you posted. When I first signed on here I never intended to stay around. I was still drinking & wasn't serious about stopping. Something about the encouragement & empathy reached me. I saw myself in so many posts & my anxiety lessened. Prior to that, I had felt all alone - since everyone in my life was a social drinker.

I enjoyed your posts - happy to know you, AC.
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