No contact but still love him. Why?
I am 3 weeks into NO contact with my alcoholic husband. Over the last 12 years he has left over 20 times to go back to his mums and have a drinking holiday. To stop the horrific anxiety I always took him back. All good for a month or so then he's off again. I am a recovered alcoholic myself and this was just making me sick. I am now a co- dependent and even as a user myself before I have found it hard to set boundaries and stop obsessing about his illness. My sponsor said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again with the same sorry result. So this time I'm making sure it's not a holiday for him but a permanent change for me and our daughter. Although I kno this time I MUST deal with this differently. I mustn't take him back. Why do I still obsess about what he's doing?
I have spoken to him twice in 3 weeks about money not feelings or our relationship I refuse to do that anymore. Both times his selfishness and blame tactics, his me first attitude dominated the conversations. I read ' getting them sober' by Toby Rice Drews. This really helped me know I don't have to live with this pain and anxiety any longer. It helped me understand why I'm still feeling obsessed with what he's doing even though I know I need to move on.
He had our daughter for the day and cried to her saying he loves us and wants to get well. He promised her he would attend AA meetings starting last night. She called him he was drunk. I can't stop him seeing her, he's very aware he's not to drink when he's got her. I sent him a text saying:
Paul the way you spoke to Lucy yesterday regarding your emotional trauma and addictions was completely unethical. Since arriving home she's gradually become more traumatised by it resulting In vomiting and high anxiety and was unable to attend school. This is a form of mental abuse. This must never happen again. Keep your time with Lucy light and happy
I won't allow him to mess our little girl up anymore. He called her this morning saying don't worry I'm going to a meeting on weds. I told her not to build her hopes up and encouraged her to focus on what we do have.
His lies and selfishness get worse as his disease progresses.
I know I'm enough and I'm loveable. I don't need to worry about him anymore. I have good days and bad days
Will he get well? Start a programme?
I don't know. It's none of my business. I'm into the business of restoring mine and my daughters emotional and mental health.
People say feel compassion for him? At the moment I don't. If I do I might give in again.
He goes from anger at me to self pity for himself. When he says he wants to come home it's only for his own self and comfort not so he can contribute anything healthy.
If he does make contact eventually I was going to say to him. If your serious do 90 meetings in 90 days and I'll consider a conversation about us. That's my only offer on the table?
Is that OK to say or am I completely off track?