No contact but still love him. Why?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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No contact but still love him. Why?
I am 3 weeks into NO contact with my alcoholic husband. Over the last 12 years he has left over 20 times to go back to his mums and have a drinking holiday. To stop the horrific anxiety I always took him back. All good for a month or so then he's off again. I am a recovered alcoholic myself and this was just making me sick. I am now a co- dependent and even as a user myself before I have found it hard to set boundaries and stop obsessing about his illness. My sponsor said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again with the same sorry result. So this time I'm making sure it's not a holiday for him but a permanent change for me and our daughter. Although I kno this time I MUST deal with this differently. I mustn't take him back. Why do I still obsess about what he's doing?
I have spoken to him twice in 3 weeks about money not feelings or our relationship I refuse to do that anymore. Both times his selfishness and blame tactics, his me first attitude dominated the conversations. I read ' getting them sober' by Toby Rice Drews. This really helped me know I don't have to live with this pain and anxiety any longer. It helped me understand why I'm still feeling obsessed with what he's doing even though I know I need to move on.
He had our daughter for the day and cried to her saying he loves us and wants to get well. He promised her he would attend AA meetings starting last night. She called him he was drunk. I can't stop him seeing her, he's very aware he's not to drink when he's got her. I sent him a text saying:
Paul the way you spoke to Lucy yesterday regarding your emotional trauma and addictions was completely unethical. Since arriving home she's gradually become more traumatised by it resulting In vomiting and high anxiety and was unable to attend school. This is a form of mental abuse. This must never happen again. Keep your time with Lucy light and happy
I won't allow him to mess our little girl up anymore. He called her this morning saying don't worry I'm going to a meeting on weds. I told her not to build her hopes up and encouraged her to focus on what we do have.
His lies and selfishness get worse as his disease progresses.
I know I'm enough and I'm loveable. I don't need to worry about him anymore. I have good days and bad days
Will he get well? Start a programme?
I don't know. It's none of my business. I'm into the business of restoring mine and my daughters emotional and mental health.
People say feel compassion for him? At the moment I don't. If I do I might give in again.
He goes from anger at me to self pity for himself. When he says he wants to come home it's only for his own self and comfort not so he can contribute anything healthy.
If he does make contact eventually I was going to say to him. If your serious do 90 meetings in 90 days and I'll consider a conversation about us. That's my only offer on the table?
Is that OK to say or am I completely off track?
I have spoken to him twice in 3 weeks about money not feelings or our relationship I refuse to do that anymore. Both times his selfishness and blame tactics, his me first attitude dominated the conversations. I read ' getting them sober' by Toby Rice Drews. This really helped me know I don't have to live with this pain and anxiety any longer. It helped me understand why I'm still feeling obsessed with what he's doing even though I know I need to move on.
He had our daughter for the day and cried to her saying he loves us and wants to get well. He promised her he would attend AA meetings starting last night. She called him he was drunk. I can't stop him seeing her, he's very aware he's not to drink when he's got her. I sent him a text saying:
Paul the way you spoke to Lucy yesterday regarding your emotional trauma and addictions was completely unethical. Since arriving home she's gradually become more traumatised by it resulting In vomiting and high anxiety and was unable to attend school. This is a form of mental abuse. This must never happen again. Keep your time with Lucy light and happy
I won't allow him to mess our little girl up anymore. He called her this morning saying don't worry I'm going to a meeting on weds. I told her not to build her hopes up and encouraged her to focus on what we do have.
His lies and selfishness get worse as his disease progresses.
I know I'm enough and I'm loveable. I don't need to worry about him anymore. I have good days and bad days
Will he get well? Start a programme?
I don't know. It's none of my business. I'm into the business of restoring mine and my daughters emotional and mental health.
People say feel compassion for him? At the moment I don't. If I do I might give in again.
He goes from anger at me to self pity for himself. When he says he wants to come home it's only for his own self and comfort not so he can contribute anything healthy.
If he does make contact eventually I was going to say to him. If your serious do 90 meetings in 90 days and I'll consider a conversation about us. That's my only offer on the table?
Is that OK to say or am I completely off track?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
As you asked, my overwhelming emotion when i read your post was for your daughter. Can you keep putting her through this? For her to be anxious, vomiting after contact with him.
Protect your daughter would be my response.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. I would not wish it on anyone else.
Protect your daughter would be my response.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. I would not wish it on anyone else.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome, suzy. Sounds like you have had the "aha" moment, the minute of clarity where you realize that you have to stop doing the same old, same old with the alcohol-dependent spouse.
Good for you. Stay strong for yourself and for your daughter. You might consult an attorney to see what you can do about limiting your spouse's time with daughter and ensure that he is NOT in contact with her when he is impaired.
That is just sad and wrong. Shame on him!
Peace.
Good for you. Stay strong for yourself and for your daughter. You might consult an attorney to see what you can do about limiting your spouse's time with daughter and ensure that he is NOT in contact with her when he is impaired.
That is just sad and wrong. Shame on him!
Peace.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by LeeJane 
As you asked, my overwhelming emotion when i read your post was for your daughter. Can you keep putting her through this? For her to be anxious, vomiting after contact with him.
Protect your daughter would be my response.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. I would not wish it on anyone else.
Protect your daughter would be my response.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. I would not wish it on anyone else.
Get out of the situation ASAP. If not for yourself, for your daughter.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
If your serious do 90 meetings in 90 days and I'll consider a conversation about us. That's my only offer on the table?
I think given the 20 times he fallen off the wagon ( at least) I'd want at least a year of active solid ( provable) recovery before he went near my daughter or me again. By then you will most likely think no way. I think seeing a lawyer about limiting his access to her is crucial.
When my exah left 4 times it took me a good 8 weeks before I saw I was better off and stopped obsessing over what he was doing and what might have been. The reality is we divorced 3 years ago and he on his 2nd long term rehab in a year and he just as bad as he ever was. He sees rehab like a spa holiday and come straight back out and carries on as before. Nothing changes unless you make it change.
I think given the 20 times he fallen off the wagon ( at least) I'd want at least a year of active solid ( provable) recovery before he went near my daughter or me again. By then you will most likely think no way. I think seeing a lawyer about limiting his access to her is crucial.
When my exah left 4 times it took me a good 8 weeks before I saw I was better off and stopped obsessing over what he was doing and what might have been. The reality is we divorced 3 years ago and he on his 2nd long term rehab in a year and he just as bad as he ever was. He sees rehab like a spa holiday and come straight back out and carries on as before. Nothing changes unless you make it change.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
90 in 90 won't begin to resolve his issues. this guy left you over TWENTY times. and left his daughter as well.
your focus must be solely about HER now. nothing else. he is toxic to her.
i'd suggest getting her to a counselor who specializes in children of addiction.
your focus must be solely about HER now. nothing else. he is toxic to her.
i'd suggest getting her to a counselor who specializes in children of addiction.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
suzy.....suzy, you don't have to stop loving someone, just because it is not possible to live with them.
You just have to love from a distance......
Even if I could tell you "why" you still love him...would that stop you from loving him? I doubt it...lol.....
You just have to love from a distance......
Even if I could tell you "why" you still love him...would that stop you from loving him? I doubt it...lol.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
My daughter
He's so oblivious to the effects of his disease on our daughter. And I hate it when he makes those same old promises to her that he's made to me. The 20 times he left was to drink and use. For the first 10 years though I drank as well. It's only since my 2 year sobriety his alcoholism has really been spotlighted. I never ever told him to stop I gave up for myself and my daughter. I did 12 steps and I got happy. Last time he left he admitted he has a problem went to a few meetings and got a sponsor. Within 4 weeks he had stopped meetings and dumped his sponsor. That first drink wasn't far behind.
Because I'm an recovered alcoholic too I knew I was powerless so when he went to leave I let him go. I think when he cried to our daughter it was so she'd tell me as I've blocked him from any road of contact from me. I text him once weekly about money. He replies then I block him again.
A little bit of me hopes he'll get help the rest of me thinks not. I'm just trying to move forward and keep my little girl priority. I know he loves her and it was his sickness that made him think he could talk to her on an emotional level. My sponsor pulled me up on it and helped me draft the text. That's his one chance if he crosses the line again I will take a more legal route.
Did any of you go no contact, mean it and they took help? I'd like to hear your experiences? X
Because I'm an recovered alcoholic too I knew I was powerless so when he went to leave I let him go. I think when he cried to our daughter it was so she'd tell me as I've blocked him from any road of contact from me. I text him once weekly about money. He replies then I block him again.
A little bit of me hopes he'll get help the rest of me thinks not. I'm just trying to move forward and keep my little girl priority. I know he loves her and it was his sickness that made him think he could talk to her on an emotional level. My sponsor pulled me up on it and helped me draft the text. That's his one chance if he crosses the line again I will take a more legal route.
Did any of you go no contact, mean it and they took help? I'd like to hear your experiences? X
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Excuses are a dime a dozen with active alcoholism. Go no contact for yourself, and your daughter from him as it's clearly emotionally traumatizing her.
Tell him he can call back once he has at least a year of solid sobriety and nothing before then. It's better to have him completely out of your lives, than to continue on with this emotional devastation.
Tell him he can call back once he has at least a year of solid sobriety and nothing before then. It's better to have him completely out of your lives, than to continue on with this emotional devastation.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Hi,Suzy...As a drunk, I would never discuss it with my child. Protect your child and yourself first and foremost..Does a drunk matter? Nope. When I drink,I'm an idiot/a$$hole! RUN and run fast!! Can't fix stupid!...and i'm stupid so, I can/will say that. Guard your girl! Change IS inevitable.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
It's not at all unusual that you still love him even with NC. My boyfriend does the same. He will be ok and go to meetings and work with a sponsor, then every few months or so fall back off by stopping meetings and seeing his sponsor, then trying to "social drink", then soon after it's off to the races and I don't hear from him for a week or so as he hides on a bender. It's really sad and difficult because it is always sudden and out of the blue - things will be fine and then he's gone. It's hard. Regardless of what he has done I still love and care for him deeply and feel sorry for him that he is doing this to his life.
Unfortunately though, nothing I have or haven't done has worked. Your sponsor is right about the definition of insanity. Do something different this time. I am a Codie of the worst kind and I always take him back and he has disappeared on me a good 15 times now to go on benders (in addition to other terrible things he has done as a result of his disease). Obviously this cycle isn't working for you anymore either. What if you do something different? What if you really don't take him back this time? You already know what happens when you do....so you know it couldn't be worse right?
Unlike you, I don't have any children with my A or any other actual tangible ties to him that keep me from just up and leaving. The hell he brings to me is mine only, but in this case you have a child who is being impacted. Let that be your bottom - that as soon as it starts impacting your child, which it is, time to go. You may love him and this will hurt like the worst feeling, but you know you have to. Do it for your baby because it is necessary. It's bad enough to do it to yourself, but to have it impact a child is different - stay NC and stick to your 90/90.
Unfortunately though, nothing I have or haven't done has worked. Your sponsor is right about the definition of insanity. Do something different this time. I am a Codie of the worst kind and I always take him back and he has disappeared on me a good 15 times now to go on benders (in addition to other terrible things he has done as a result of his disease). Obviously this cycle isn't working for you anymore either. What if you do something different? What if you really don't take him back this time? You already know what happens when you do....so you know it couldn't be worse right?
Unlike you, I don't have any children with my A or any other actual tangible ties to him that keep me from just up and leaving. The hell he brings to me is mine only, but in this case you have a child who is being impacted. Let that be your bottom - that as soon as it starts impacting your child, which it is, time to go. You may love him and this will hurt like the worst feeling, but you know you have to. Do it for your baby because it is necessary. It's bad enough to do it to yourself, but to have it impact a child is different - stay NC and stick to your 90/90.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
So, what's so loveable? All that you have described it is hard to imagine the loveable parts. This is not meant to be mean...I had someone say this to me once and for me it was actually helpful. I hope it is to you too.
Hugs...you'll get there!
Hugs...you'll get there!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
My first Alanon meeting
Woke up this morning with that familiar knot in my stomach. Where is he? Is he at his mums like he says? Is he drinking? Is he getting help? Has he met someone else? No no cmon Sue your moving forward. You don't want him back. Why would you want someone back who lies, devalues and dismisses you so easily?
It's so hard the emotional ties we still have to these sick men. So what do I do? I get up, showered and dressed and I'm off to my first Alanon meeting today. I will do this. I will let go.
It's so hard the emotional ties we still have to these sick men. So what do I do? I get up, showered and dressed and I'm off to my first Alanon meeting today. I will do this. I will let go.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Suzy...Those emotional ties held me back for a LONG time, too. Breaking them enough to take my 3 kids and leave 2 days ago was a process. I had to go through it to get to the point that I was ready to move on from my comfort zone which, sadly, had become a life of dysfunction and abuse at the hands of my AH.
You'll get there, too. My motivator truly was my children. Eventually I realized that, yes, I still love him but I need to do it from a distance and never look back. So far, being away from him has been blissful. And my kids are relaxed and happy. I'm thrilled to be starting a new chapter.
Best wishes. Sending strength your way.
QUOTE=suzyontour;6367663]Woke up this morning with that familiar knot in my stomach. Where is he? Is he at his mums like he says? Is he drinking? Is he getting help? Has he met someone else? No no cmon Sue your moving forward. You don't want him back. Why would you want someone back who lies, devalues and dismisses you so easily?
It's so hard the emotional ties we still have to these sick men. So what do I do? I get up, showered and dressed and I'm off to my first Alanon meeting today. I will do this. I will let go.[/QUOTE]
You'll get there, too. My motivator truly was my children. Eventually I realized that, yes, I still love him but I need to do it from a distance and never look back. So far, being away from him has been blissful. And my kids are relaxed and happy. I'm thrilled to be starting a new chapter.
Best wishes. Sending strength your way.
QUOTE=suzyontour;6367663]Woke up this morning with that familiar knot in my stomach. Where is he? Is he at his mums like he says? Is he drinking? Is he getting help? Has he met someone else? No no cmon Sue your moving forward. You don't want him back. Why would you want someone back who lies, devalues and dismisses you so easily?
It's so hard the emotional ties we still have to these sick men. So what do I do? I get up, showered and dressed and I'm off to my first Alanon meeting today. I will do this. I will let go.[/QUOTE]
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